emotional wellbeing | Beyond The Shade

May 28, 2019May 28, 2019

“Black African people do not get depressed!”

‘Black African people do not get depressed!’

This is a statement I hear time and time again when talking about mental health with members of ethnic African communities who believe that mental illness is a ‘white’ thing.

According to the World Health Organisation, 300 million people in the world suffer from depression.

Depression affects people of all ages, from all walks of life. It doesn’t matter what your background is, how old you are or what colour you are.

Unfortunately people from certain cultures are primed from an early age to suppress their feelings, hide how they feel and conceal their illnesses.

Why do black people have to be so strong about everything? We are constantly being reminded that ‘you are a strong black woman or you are a strong black man, you cannot be so weak to admit you are struggling with any mental illness’. It is just not acceptable to do so as it is an embarrassment to your family members.

We are supposed to pray away our illnesses and have the faith in God to overcome all obstacles that come our way. We have to pray against generation curses and spiritual enemies that come to us in the form of mental illness.

Scriptures are often quoted that make someone that is suffering from an illness feel like guilty for not knowing those bible verses and for not believing in the healing power of God.

I accept that prayer, meditation, mindfulness and all alternative therapies are good for ones well-being but they can’t be used as a substitute for treatment of illnesses which can potentially be life threatening.

Depression is an illness that seems to be only acceptable to people that are well off financially in certain places. Poorer people are not expected to say that they suffer from depression, they have too many other problems to worry about instead of wallowing in self pity.

There is so much stigma surrounding depression that stops black people from seeking proper medical treatment for mental health problems.

We are told we can make it through anything, our people survived slavery after all.

Some of the comments that put people off seeking treatment or talking about their health problems are these;

‘You shouldn’t be so weak, tell your problems to God and not a stranger, why are you seeing a therapist?’
‘Don’t take medication, it will make you crazy. People who take medication get worse anyway.’
‘What if you get sectioned? You could lose your children.’
‘Cheer up, there are people going through worse; think about the children that are starving in poorer parts of the world.’
‘You worry too much, you should learn to relax. What are you thinking of anyway?’
‘That is life, get over it!’

The people that choose to seek help and take medication or have therapy, do so in private without their family members knowing about it because It is never received well.

When people are struggling they do not need to be reminded of how strong they are or should be, it deters them from seeking the help that could benefit their health.

The rates of unexplained suicides has risen and in most cases a person will have been struggling with mental health issues but not talking about it because of fear of judgement and being seen as weak.

We need to be more understanding and supportive of each other and if people close to us show signs of depression or any mental health problems we need to be able to talk to them about it, not fob them off and tell them to snap out of it or tell them to be strong.

The new parent struggling to cope with their new born may not be lazy or unloving to their baby but they could be suffering from post-natal depression. Post-natal depression does not only affect first time mothers, it can affect them after the birth of a second or third child even though it didn’t happen with previous children and it can affect the fathers too. No new parent should feel embarrassed or ashamed to concede that they are struggling, and having postpartum depression does not make anyone a terrible parent.

One of the main reasons that people do not seek treatment for depression apart from the social stigma and discrimination is the high cost of medical treatment. When people can’t afford to pay for treatment for other common ailments, they do not feel that they should be complaining of ‘sadness’ and going to seek medical help for it.

Suppressing emotions is seen as a sign of strength but it is not. Identifying that you have a diagnosable illness and seeking help is being strong but we still have a long way to go in talking about mental health and understanding that there is treatment for illnesses.

Depression does not care if you are black or white, rich or poor, it doesn’t care about your gender, religious views, your weight or age. It can affect anyone and at anytime of their lives. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the earlier that treatment begins, the more successful it can be.

April 11, 2019

But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

February 7, 2019

“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I had to contribute to the family during bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

January 11, 2019

Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.

December 15, 2018December 15, 2018

Are You Pouring From An Empty Cup?

A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.

I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.

When I woke up, I started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to at least try.

I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.

After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.

I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.

It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.

I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.

I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.

So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.

It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.

You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.

You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.

Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.

Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.

You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists

Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.

Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.

December 4, 2018

Mental Health – How to identity and avoid triggers

When most people are recovering from mental illness their condition becomes more manageable. It is however important to understand that recovery is an ongoing process and that it is normal to have difficulties and setbacks along the way.

When you have achieved some stability and understand your illness and how to manage it, you have to identify what you need to do in order to stay well.

There are things in our lives that can accelerate mental health problems or impede on recovery.

Below are some examples:

Alcohol

It is important to limit or avoid alcohol because mental health problems not only result from drinking too much alcohol, they can also cause people to drink too much and make their problems worse. Some people tend to self-medicate with alcohol so that they can sleep or numb their feelings, but then they may wake up feeling worse because alcohol is a depressant which causes moods to fluctuate.

Stress

Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions. Sometimes we set unrealistic deadlines at work or overcommit to our families and not leave enough time for ourselves, then we end up getting stressed. Financial worries can cause stress and some stress can be a cause of mental conditions, but some can make it worse. It is important to identify potential stressors in your life in order to help with your recovery.

Over the counter medication

Most people are not comfortable talking to doctors or taking prescribed medications, so they end up buying over the counter medication to help with their symptoms but that can be as dangerous as not treating it at all. When you see a medical professional, they always ask if you are taking other medication so that they do not prescribe to you something that will counteract with the other. So, when you take other medication that is not prescribed to you, you could make your symptoms worse or take something completely harmful to your health.

Negative thoughts

It is common for people with mental health problems to experience negative thoughts and feelings which include but are not limited to sadness, guilt, helplessness and worthlessness and find them hard to shake off which can have detrimental effects on how they function in everyday life.

Negative thoughts can be draining and have you in a constant state of fight or flight which can leave you extremely fatigued.

Isolation

The stigma surrounding mental health can cause somebody with mental health problems to isolate themselves. When someone feels unwanted or unloved, they stay away from people and at times they are just unmotivated to be in social situations.

When one has encountered negative or judgemental people it is natural to prefer to be alone. Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawal and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health as it can contribute to cardiovascular disease and insomnia which affects how the immune system functions.

Not taking care of yourself

Rest and recharge, the mind needs just as much rest as the body.

Some illnesses may require you to just take medication but mental illness like depression needs you to look after your physical well-being as well.

Self-care is paramount in recovery, one needs to learn and identify what is good and works for them.

Personal care and a clean environment goes a long way in assisting in recovery.

You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise and hydrate, as it has a direct impact on your physical and emotional well being.

September 21, 2018

Breakups – When it’s no longer just sadness

Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.

When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.

But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.

If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!

If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.

When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.

It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.

As with any loss, it is usual to have

Feelings of frustration and anger
Sadness
Crying
Shock
Denial
Loneliness
Fear
Insomnia
Loss of interest in activities

The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.

There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;

taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
writing or talking about it
appreciating your own self-worth
not blaming yourself

If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.

If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.

Some of the symptoms to look out for are;

Feeling worthless
Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
Loss of appetite
Compulsive eating for comfort
Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
Having suicidal thoughts
Feeling empty everyday
Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
Having no energy for most of the day
Low self esteem
Feeling anxious

It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.

If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.

September 20, 2018

Learn to let go of the need for validation or the approval of others

As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.

It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.

It is good to be appraised for a job well done

Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.

If you find yourself

overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.

For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.

This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.

We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.

You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like

Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation

Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.

It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.

August 27, 2018

We can not simply pray away mental illness

Prayer is good, mediation helps but we can not pray away mental illnesses. While it may be comforting to ‘take our troubles to the Lord in prayer’, it is also important that we seek medical help for health conditions.

There are some people that pray relentlessly for healing but not get healed. What do you think goes through those peoples minds when they do not get better after prayer? A lot of times people start to feel like failures, that they have sinned and do not deserve to get healed from their sickness.

Let us encourage loved ones that are suffering, especially with mental health conditions to seek medical help, then we can pray with them; if that is what you do and it is within their beliefs.

This morning I read that Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills, Chino, California had taken his life after battling depression and anxiety. He was only 30 years old, leaving behind a wife and 3 sons.

Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills Church took his life after battling with anxiety and depression. (Inland Hills Church)

This is not a man who didn’t know how to pray. He prayed with and for other people as well as teach. He was a leader that was looked upon as a responsible person in society and religious communities but he suffered from depression.

He probably couldn’t share what was really troubling him as everyone looked to him for answers. It can get very lonely at the top.

His church announced, “In his time leading Inland Hills, Andrew reached so many with his warm wit, passionate heart for God, and teaching that always, always pointed others to Jesus. The loving husband, father, son, and friend that he was will continue to inspire us in leading others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ,”

Mental illness should not be considered as demonic, it is a reality. It is a dysfunction rooted in the structure of the personality and most times caused by traumatic, physical or psychological experiences or genetic imbalances. In most cases medication can help a person lead an almost normal life.

The churches need to step up and teach their congregants about mental health and the help they can get professionally. If people can seek medical help for all other illnesses they should be encouraged to do so for their mental health, then the in-house counselling can be offered. People should not be afraid to reach out when they are suffering.

Let us continue to talk about mental health and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

August 26, 2018

Tag: emotional wellbeing