Category: Self Care

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You Can Always Start Again

It’s the first day of 2022, Happy New  Year everybody!

2021 was not a good year for me, physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. After losing more close family during the year, my grief was so intense, I lost interest in the things that I loved and that kept me going.

I don’t remember the number of times that I sat down to write but couldn’t put the words together, or went shopping with the intention of cooking but ended up with a fridge full of food that is nearing or past its best before date, but end up opting for a takeaway instead.

 

I have spent so many months trying to fix things, overthinking a lot of stuff, and kicking myself for the things that I feel I could have done better, which didn’t do much to help with my mental health.

As always, I have a tendency of being really hard on myself, and as we were approaching the year, I spent some time in quiet reflection and decided that I was not going to be listing out any unrealistic new year’s resolutions but that I would start by being kind to myself and not commit myself to timelines which make me anxious when left incomplete.

Set realistic resolutions, don’t overwhelm yourself.

From time to time, I enjoy reading quotes and get a lot of inspiration from the ones that seem to relate to me depending on how I am feeling at the moment so when I saw this one “No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” – Buddha

For me, the past does not date back to years, it can be a week or a couple of days but it can set me back for months on end. My hope is to try to conquer each day that I wake and focus on the small victories which would be in the way of:

  • prioritising a shower, and tidying up personal space before undertaking any daily tasks.
  • folding the laundry and putting it away instead of leaving it in the basket until it creases.
  • checking and responding to emails, and emptying the junk mail so that I won’t have 10 000 of them to clear.
  • making sure that bills are paid before they start piling up.
  • reading something and writing even a few lines so that I won’t get out of sync
  • have small manageable to-do lists of tasks for each day
  • learn to identify and avoid my triggers to depression and seek support.
  • celebrating small wins, which includes being kind to myself if I don’t manage to tick all the boxes, knowing that I have a chance to start over the next day.

With the emerging coronavirus variants, it is still very important that we continue wearing our masks, avoiding crowds, maintaining social distancing, and isolating when we are feeling under the weather, have symptoms, or have tested positive.

Stay safe and have a fruitful, healthy 2022, and remember that no matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.

 

 

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Dear Mums, You Don’t Have To be Perfect

 

I came across this quote and it made me think about the sacrifices parents make for their children, especially mothers.

“Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” [Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm]

Every so often we do too much, take on more than we can or need to until we get to a point that we can no longer manage, and our mental and physical health starts to suffer.

When we take on too many projects than we can handle, we are left feeling anxious to meet the deadlines, burnt out from doing too much, and depressed that we couldn’t finish the tasks on time or didn’t manage to complete them at all.

Taking on too many  assignments leaves you overwhelmed

We need to know that it’s okay to take a break from the pressures of life, say no to invitations to the events that we don’t want to attend, and be selective about the activities we put ourselves up for.

Most of my friends are mothers who need to run their households, looking after kids, doing school runs, keeping social and health appointments, sports activities and some also work full time.

It’s hard work keeping up with social and medical appointments

By the time the stay-at-home mums drop the kids off at school, go back home and do the cleaning, pick up the shopping, it’s almost time to pick up the children from school again and make dinner.

The working parents have to manage their schedules to fit in with school dropoffs, picking up from babysitters or after-school clubs, go home and make dinner get the kids ready for bed, and do it all over again the next day.

Working mothers have to juggle work and childcare

Working overtime with no breaks and no time out to recharge for yourself is not good, but most mums feel that if they stop then it means that they are not good parents. It’s not the amount of time we spend with the kids that matters, it’s the amount of quality time we spend with them.

Sometimes even the partners are not aware of how much the mothers do on a daily basis. It is okay to ask for help, perhaps with cleaning once in a while or having a sitter come in and look after the kids for a few hours while you go to the gym, a walk, coffee with friends, or just to take a nap and have a rest.

It’s okay to ask for help

 

Here are a few tips to help you slow down

Enjoy the little time you have alone – don’t spend your time alone at home after dropping off kids at school feeling anxious about how they are getting on. The teachers are trained to look after the children during that time, instead, read a book or write a journal.

Read a book or write a journal

Make some time to unwind – if you have a few minutes to yourself, even 5 to 10 mins, you can close your eyes and use this time to practice mindfulness, meditate, take deep breaths and clear your thoughts.

Make some time to unwind

Take Walks – you can do this with your dog if you have one or with the children at a safe place where children can safely run around and get some fresh air. It is good for you and the children’s mental health and also helps them to sleep better at night.

Take walks

Take a Power Nap – A power nap can help you recharge. You don’t have to sleep for hours – just 30 minutes to an hour can help you feel rested and you can continue with your tasks.

Treat yourself to a relaxing bath – when you’re on a tight schedule it’s always quick showers and out of a house, so having a long warm bath feels like a treat. When the kids have settled in for the night, light some nice smelling candles, put some soothing bath salts and soak in a bubble bath. You will feel refreshed.

Treat yourself to a relaxing bath

 Watch what you eat – When you’re busy with the children and activities it is easy to eat on the hoof. Most mums will grab a chocolate bar and a coffee to go, on the way to pick up the kids from school and nibble on what the children are having for dinner and not make time for their own nutrition. That is also detrimental to overall wellbeing so it is very important to make time to prepare, sit and eat healthy meals.

Watch what you eat

 

To all the mothers out there, please do not find excuses that will keep you from taking a break. You do not have to be perfect, we become better parents when we are rested and happy, not when we are depressed and overwhelmed by our schedules and children. You do need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, you deserve the break.

 

 

 

 

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8 Tips To Boost Your Mental Well-being

Your present way of life may not be helpful in keeping up your mental wellness. Generally, people are always rushing about, stressing about work and children and don’t leave much time for relaxation. Being active and doing things that boost psychological wellness can be an amazing method to advance the nature of your everyday life.

Apply these tips consistently:

Stay in touch with others.

Having solid and positive interactions with others has a significant impact on mental wellbeing. You will be less lonely when you communicate with other people.

Of late, it has been difficult to meet up with friends and families due to the lockdowns brought about by the Covid 19 pandemic, but you can make use of video calls phone calls.

Keep fit

The more unfit we are, the more our mental health suffers so it’s important to maintain our physical health so that our mental health improves.

With local gyms and recreational centres closed during the lockdown, coming out for a walk each day or every other day and getting some fresh air could be beneficial for mental health.

Consistently challenge yourself.

Try something new like cooking a dish you have never made, bake a cake, or simply declutter that drawer with plastic bags and takeaway menus that you have been meaning to throw out for several months. Set small goals and try to stick with them

Figure out how to manage pressure successfully.

Sometimes we do things that we think make us feel better but in essence, they make our situation worse. For instance, if you are a comfort eater, ordering a takeaway or digging into a tub of ice cream will leave you feeling worse off in the long term financially, and also when you gain weight you will not feel good about yourself.

Instead, it would help to try exercises like yoga and Pilates, meditate, chat to a mate or read.

Make time to help those in need

When you help other people and they are happy, you also feel good. It is also a way to keep in touch with other people.

You can volunteer to pick up groceries and prescriptions for vulnerable people and senior citizens during this lockdown.

Practice methods to calm your mind and get a good nights sleep

Because our minds are continually anxious; thinking, anticipating, and recollecting even when we don’t think that they are, we need to figure out how to control them.

Reflection, meditation, prayer, and mindfulness can help with figuring out how to calm down your brain. It might take a couple of attempts in light of the fact that our brains continue to stray and don’t have any desire to be calm but with daily practice, it can be achieved.

Normalise asking for help

 When you bruise your shin, you reach for plaster, when you break your arm you go to the hospital and when you are feeling physically sick it’s easy to ask for help but when one struggles with their mental health it’s not so easy to reach out for help.

Asking for help is hard and might take a lot out of you but it is not a weakness. You can speak to a trusted family member, church member, teacher or call NHS 111 and Samaritans 116 123.

Keep a diary.

Keeping a diary is a good way to not only record your feelings and thoughts but can improve your ability to think critically. You could record events of your day, plan ahead for future events and journal your feelings.

When you have a diary and keep a to-do list, it helps alleviate procrastination and you can tick off the tasks as you go along and not forget what you wanted to do on a particular day.

It is also a good way to record your feelings, on good days you can write about how you feel and what made you feel good and on bad days write about what upset you or made your day not as expected.

Mental and physical health is essential to everyone’s well-being. When we are unwell for long periods of time it starts to affect our ability to be good parents, partners, friends, or employees. These tips are good guidelines on how we can manage our day-to-day lives but when you consistently feel low it is best to see your GP or contact some mental health helplines for more information on where to get help.

 

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

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Lockdown and Losing a Loved One

About 6 months ago I wrote an upbeat post at the beginning of the lockdown. I thought it would be an easy few weeks, working from home, shopping online, and not having to rush anywhere. A lot of us thought that it would pass quickly.

As I settled into lockdown and watched the infection and morbidity rates going up daily, panic started setting in. There was a national fear of food shortages and people were clearing out the shelves in the shops until they started rationing how many products each person could buy.

Our hospital, doctors, and dentist appointments were postponed or getting canceled to keep the facilities available for people who have been affected by Covid19.

Events were cancelled, churches and schools closed, so most parents had to home school their children, work meetings, and church were done via Zoom videos. We started coming to terms with our new normal, masks when out in public, no eating out, not seeing friends and family that didn’t live with us.

Our new normal                                                                [Image by Queven from Pixabay]
What I wasn’t prepared for during that time was my partner having a cardiac arrest and having to administer CPR to him to try and save his life.

Everything happened so quickly, I don’t even know how long I was doing CPR for, from the time I called 999 to when the paramedics came in and it was terrifying to see them come in wearing full hazmat suits because of the risk of Covid19.

I was allowed to go with him to the hospital, and the nurses gave me an apron, gloves, a mask to put on. It was so hot and claustrophobic under all the protective wear but all the safety precautions needed to be done.

My partner remained unresponsive, and he made a terrible gurgling sound which I have now learned is called the ‘death rattle’, it was such a hard noise to listen to as I was informed that these were his last hours and while it was uncomfortable for me to watch, he was unconscious and not in pain, even though it looked like he was.

Masks while essential, make it difficult to convey a message or show sympathy [Image by Cico Zeljko from Pixabay]
I had the doctors come and talk to me and it felt so impersonal, having a conversation about someone’s end of life when all I could see were their eyes. The masks, while essential, take away the emotion and compassion that one may be trying to convey.

I was crippled with fear and  I kept hoping he would pull through. I never thought that in my lifetime I would have to stand by and watch a loved one slip away. I prayed for a miracle even though I knew the chances of him having a full recovery were slim.

I was sent home and told to expect the worst within about 48 hours, most of which I spent on autopilot. My family is scattered all over the world and they tried their best to support via text, phone, and Whatsapp but I was too distressed to speak.

As I was leaving home for the hospital the next day, I got the call to say that he had passed away. I can’t even begin to describe what I felt at that moment, it was a lot!

It didn’t help that we were still on lockdown and I couldn’t even have a relative come over to help out due to being in isolation as I had spent time with my partner at the hospital.

Once people got the news, the phone calls started coming in. Some were from well-meaning people passing their condolences but some, I felt,  got rather intrusive and asking personal questions – like,  ‘was it COVID19?’, ‘did he have a will?’, ‘was the house in both your names?’ and ‘did he have life insurance?’.

I realised that I was trying too hard to talk to everyone that reached out to me and I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all the attention I was getting. When I mentioned that to a friend she said “you don’t need to answer all the phone calls or respond to the text messages straight away. People will understand that you’re having a tough time.” That brought a bit of relief to me.

I wanted to talk to everyone that called me

It has been 17 weeks since he passed away and I have been on an emotional roller coaster since then. I lost all my coping mechanisms, lost my zest for life and while I had been making progress and weaning off antidepressants, I now needed to have them increased.

While I had been on a good routine of eating well and exercising pre-lockdown, I started to comfort eat to numb my feelings of loneliness, grief, fear, sadness, and lack of sleep.

I used to have someone to encourage me, laugh with, eat with, and make plans with so it’s daunting to think of life on my own. Now I’m thinking of Christmas and the lockdown restrictions we are facing again and knowing that I can’t even visit my family in South Africa makes me sadder.

I am taking one day at a time and learning that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that its okay to cry, and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loved one. There are no set timelines on grief but I know that it gets better with time even though some days I wake up and the memory is as fresh as though it has just happened.

 

 

 

 

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Care Tips To Help Ease Stress During Lockdown

This is a stressful time not just in the  homes across the nation but all over the world. For most people this has been the longest that they have stayed at home when they are not on annual leave or holiday, and at the moment they are not staying in because they choose to but  because they need to, for their own safety and all those around them.

There is nowhere to escape to, no gym, no pub and no mates houses to go and hangout when one needs a place a distraction.

My friends and I have been chatting a lot on WhatsApp and Messenger and I will share with you some of the tips we have been talking about and find useful.

 

  1. Try to have a morning workout

 

Some stretches and gentle exercises would be good to do in the morning before you get start checking your email and getting down to work.

If you have children you may choose to exercise before they wake and have that as your ‘me time’ or if they are at an age where they enjoy exercising, then make it into a family activity and you can bond with your family through exercise.

 

2. Shower and change daily

 

We have been joking around a lot about waking at 7.57am and being at our desks at 8am, but it’s very important to shower and change before we start working or doing our other duties. It actually makes you feel better.

 

3. Maintain a routine

 

If you don’t know what you’re doing from one day to the next you will start to get overwhelmed and not finish your projects if you are working from home.

Keep your bedtimes and wake up time the same as you would if you are working in an office or commute. That way it will also be easy for you to make the transition back to the office when the time comes.

 

4. Take a break

 

Take a break from work as you would in the office and stretch your legs. If you have a garden or balcony thats good because you can get some air but if not you can still pause and put the kettle on.

 

5. Switch of the telly during work time

 

I am guilty of having the news on the loop all day but I am aware of what a distraction that is. The best advice is to catch up with the morning news, we all need to know what is happing around us and then get on with what we need to do.

 

6. Switch off work devices during down time or family time

 

It is easy to get caught up in  work and let it over lap onto rest time when we are working from home but it’s equally important to maintain our working hours and then put our work away in order to rest and catch up with the news, our kids and our friends.

 

7. Find a good book to read

 

Most people buy books and don’t read them, now is the time to find those books and enjoy some quiet time.

You can also read audio books, e-books or your favourite blogs and listen to podcasts.

 

8. Play games and do some crafts

 

Many people play games on their mobiles, my nephew loves video games and if you have cards, monopoly or scrabble, now is the time to pull them out and get everyone involved.

Pull out those crafting projects you have been meaning to finish for years and complete them.

 

9. Meditate and practice relaxation

 

Find a quiet place and meditate, pray or listen to some soothing music to unwind as that can  help you to slow down and relieve some of your stress.

 

10. Have a long bath or shower

 

Having a long bath or shower can be calming at the end of the day so treat yourself to a relaxing bath or a nice shower and change into comfortable clothes then you can chill out.

 

11. Cook your meals

 

Try some simple recipes and cook yourself some nice meals. It’s so easy to snack when we are stuck at home so managing eating times and what we snack on is important. Make use of the stuff in your freezers and cupboard and experiment with herbs and spices.

 

12. Clean your space

 

It would be helpful if you clean your work and living space and have it tidy so that its more pleasant to stay in or work in. You can’t think straight when you are in cluttered or overcrowded spaces so if you live in a small place you could pick a corner that you can have as a safe space.

 

13. Stay in touch with others

 

Keep in touch with your friends and family via mediums suitable to you and avoid passing on fake news or misleading information to each other. Support each other during this difficult time.

 

14. Know your limits

It’s easy to tick checklists and listen to other peoples advice but ultimately it lies with you. You have to know and understand what you can do and what you can’t do during this difficult time and do what works for you and the people around you.

 

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People need support for mental health and not a magic potion

Its hard opening up to friends and family about your mental health or general health issues out of fear of being judged.

No matter how much we talk about our mental health there is still so much stigma attached to it in some communities.

On my recovery journey, I have encountered a lot of different people with different views on mental health.

The religious say that if you turn to God all, your health problems will go away.

If you say you are a believer, you get accused of possibly living in sin, so the depression comes from the guilt of your sins.

Then theres the ones that sell supplements and will not take no for an answer.

I am sure if someone offered me to have a trial of something and see how I felt, I would probably try and possibly buy if I liked the product.

But the persistence and the negative talk of antidepressants in their quest to make a sale is enough to trigger my anxiety when I have to be in the same place with them.

Don’t even get me started on the constant follow ups and links to testimonials where some people were cured by these supplements.

I have come to realise that we are all different, there is not a one size fits all approach in the  management and recovery of any mental health condition.

What works for one person may not work for the next.

How good would it be to drink a sachet of syrup and all my illnesses disappear?

The only downside is that you will be set back at least a couple of hundred pounds each month for some things in the name of ‘your health is your wealth” and you will be encouraged to sign up to sell the products so that you can get them cheaper for yourself, which may not be helpful to your health if you don’t sell and are help responsible not pulling your weight to meet enough people.

The digital age has made us live in a fast paced world with access to information on the internet and everyone tends to be a google doctor.

It’s important not to self diagnose when you have symptoms and see your medical practitioners to get help.

There are supportive networks that you can join ; where most people have experience with mental health from personal experience or being care givers.

There are people who will be there for you and some who will not want to hear about your mental health, it  is important to choose your company wisely.

 

 

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How to get a good night’s sleep

Getting enough sleep is vital for our physical and mental health.

The average healthy adult should sleep for at least 7 and a half to 8 hours a day, but a lot of us have either very little or too much sleep.

A good night’s sleep is important for everyone and if deprived, it can lead to someone feeling more than just tired.

Lack of sleep slows down cognitive function leading to learning disabilities in children, memory impairment in people of all ages, personality changes and depression.

It can negatively affect one’s life by contributing to the development of ailments such as obesity, diabetes and heart disease.

When people are deprived of sleep, they experience difficulty in making decisions, easily get irritable, have slower reaction times and perform tasks poorly.

 

Here are some tips that may be helpful for a good night’s sleep

  • Choose a relaxing bedtime routine and keep it regular. You can wind down each night by having a warm bath, reading, listening to soft music or meditating. Try to wake up at the same time each morning including on days off.
  • Establish the best sleeping environment by ensuring that your bedroom is comfortable, dark, cool or warm to your liking. If your room is too light, you may consider using blackout curtains or a sleep mask.
  • Avoid using bright screens before bed, the body reacts to unexpected doses of blue and white light which can cause insomnia.
  • Don’t go to bed with a negative mindset. If you go to bed worrying about events or stressing that you won’t be able to go through the next day without sleep, you won’t be able to relax into a restful sleep.
  • Use your bed for sleep and intimacy. It’s easy to watch television or use the computer in your bedroom to finish up some work but try to avoid doing that as your sleep environment will become your work environment and you wont rest.
  • Plan your next day before you settle down for bed. Try writing a to-do list for the next morning so that you won’t be playing your duties over in your head when you go to sleep.
  • Limit nap times. If you are very tired and a nap can’t be avoided, try to limit them to no longer than 30 minutes and not too late in the afternoon.
  • Exercise regularly but not too vigorously close to your bedtime.
  • Avoid Stimulants. Tea, coffee and chocolate are all stimulants that can affect your sleep and should be avoided at least 4 hours before bedtime. Heavy meals should not be eaten before bedtime as well.
  • Switch off your mobile or silence it so that you do not get disturbed while you are asleep.

The most important thing is finding what works for you and sticking with it so that you may have a healthy sleeping pattern, that may be beneficial to your physical and mental wellbeing.

 

 

 

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Be Body Kind – Mental Health Awareness Week 13-19 May 2019

This week is Mental Health Awareness week and the theme is body image. Body image issues can affect anyone and at any stage in life and social media has played a big part in  causing a lot of people to worry about their body image.

Our body image is what we reflect and how we feel when we look in the mirror or when we picture ourselves in our minds.

Body image issues can be about appearance and what you think about your body,  such as your weight, height, colour.  It can be how you feel within your own skin and it may be positive or negative.

Today, I am choosing to use my own experience in this topic as someone that has struggled with my own body image.

What happened to you?

The picture above is of me and my son, four years apart.

In those 4 years, life has happened; mental health problems, losses and gains for both of us, as well as embarking on the long road to recovery.

Of-course I don’t do myself any favours by sharing pictures with those that I care about and think feel the same.

These pictures were compared in this way, with the caption ‘what happened to you’.

The first one was at my sons 18th and we were happy.

The second one he was 22, on his graduation and and we were happy.

I said I didn’t understand, and they said; ‘well you have clearly put on a lot of weight from the last picture. What have you been doing to yourself? Surely you can work hard at looking like that again if you made the effort’.

Then it clicked; our milestones didn’t matter to them, it was the way I looked that they were interested in. And then it really started to bother me.

The extra pounds that I have gained over the years started to feel like hundreds, I started to ask myself if I could look better. But better than who? Better than what?

I had allowed someone to judge me by a picture, to justify myself to someone why I didn’t look  the way they expected me to and it really did affect me, to the point that my self-confidence started to wane.

It took me a long time to recover from that, but I had to remind myself how far I had come in my recovery to allow that to affect me for too long.

When we continuously worry about how we look it can impact our self-esteem and confidence, and the media has a strong influence on what we think the standard body should look like.

Looking at ‘perfect’ pictures of others and then comparing them to ourselves only leads us to feel worse about ourselves and it is a practice that we need to stop.

When people are constantly plagued with negative thoughts and feelings about their bodies their likelihood to develop certain mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, depression and anxiety is high.

A negative body image may also lead to low self-esteem, which can affect many areas of your life and you may start to obsess constantly about what you eat, how much you exercise or even avoid certain people; but there are steps that you can take to develop a healthier body image.

The more you practice thinking positive thoughts about yourself and the fewer negative thoughts you have about your body, the better you will feel about who you are and how you look.

Working on accepting how you look is healthier than constantly working to change how you look. Always be kind to yourself and accept that a healthy body image is good for a healthy mind.

 

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You Are Enough, Just As You Are.

Your self-worth comes from accepting that you are enough just the way you are and you do not need validation from anyone else to make you feel good about yourself.

Sometimes we look for love or approval from other people and it affects us greatly when we can not stand up for ourselves by setting goals to what other people see as important.

No one is perfect, some may pretend to be, but you may not know the battles that they are facing; so instead of comparing yourself to others, live your life one day at a time and do what is best for you.

I am a great fan of poetry and the words in this one really resonated with me so I have decided to share it and hope it will bring inspiration to you.

 

A Creed To Live By

Don’t undermine your worth
by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different
that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what
other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future,
By living your life one day at a time.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give
nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is a fragile thread that binds each of us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast
that you forget not only where you have been
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race,
but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

– Nancye Sims

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Are you depending on other people for your happiness?

All of us want to be happy and all of us deserve to be happy.

There are many things in our lives that bring us joy; our families, friendships, partnerships, possessions and jobs.

We all need to give and get support from others, but how much do we rely on the people around us for our inner happiness? How much are we attached to the things that we believe bring us happiness?

It is good to have healthy relationships and healthy attachments with people so that when they are not around, you can still function and progress on your own.

When you are emotionally dependent on your children and they grow up and leave home, you will be left with a void that can’t be filled. It is best for parents not to “live for their kids”, find new interests and hobbies so that when the time comes, they do not get deeply affected by the changes.

According to research (Psychology Today), Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) that persists for a long time ends up developing into depression.

Sometimes the children do not turn out to be what the parents expected them to become and it leaves them feeling resentful and betrayed because they projected the children to be their source of happiness.

When you are attached to a partner and the relationship ends, it takes away a significant part of you because you would have been living a life based on feeding your need to be wanted.

If you have friends and you find yourself getting upset when you discover that they are attending an event that you haven’t been invited to, then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

You have to understand and accept that people can be friends with you and acquainted with others; and vice versa. They may be friendly with other workmates or parents at their children’s schools and they do not need a green light from you to go where they are invited.

Maybe they just want a break from you and your neediness, and so they  choose to go with other people.

Here are some of the signs that you may be relying on other people to make you happy:

  • Do you find it difficult to be alone and get anxious when people don’t respond to your calls?
  • Do you feel hurt when people you consider to be friends don’t invite you to a party or social event?
  • Do you feel good when you are getting approval and praise from people around you but feel dispirited when you don’t?
  • Do you feel neglected when your partner is out with his/her friends or workmates?
  • Do you find someone sitting quietly and assume that they are upset with you about something even though they are just reflecting?
  • When you are in a romantic relationship do you feel that you can’t live without the person you are dating?
  • Do you think that your partner or children should always be there for you even when they have other things going on in their lives?

 

There is a difference between loving someone and being needy. When you abandon yourself and expect other people to fill your inner void you will become dependent on their company to feel good.

No one should enter into any form of relationship with someone and expect to be instantly fixed of their emotional baggage. You have to be ready to stand on your own first before you allow people into your life so that they do not influence your decisions.

All grow-ups need to take responsibility for their physical and emotional well-being and not depend on others to make it worthwhile for them.

You have to learn to create your own happiness, fall in love with yourself first then you won’t need to be so dependent on other people. In fact, you will be able to love others freely and be able to let go without losing a part of yourself.

You should not be relying on anyone to make you happy.