There have been numerous times when I have heard this statement, you don’t look depressed or you don’t look like you struggle with anxiety or mental health problems; but what do depression and anxiety look like?
The general expectation of someone struggling with their mental health is that they would be always sad, angry, or crying but there is more than one look to mental health.
While some people may show that they are anxious or depressed, there is a greater percentage of people who are good at masking how they feel.
Here are some Reasons for hiding one’s mental health
Fear of experiencing negative responses to sharing about their mental health.
There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health, especially in ethnic minorities. For one thing, one may feel like it is a weakness to let people know that they have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and that they may be receiving treatment for it.
Not wanting to be a burden to loved ones or colleagues.
If one bears a responsibility to family or is in a senior position at work, they may not want their children or peers to know that they are struggling.
Feeling embarrassed to talk about what they are going through.
A lot of people that hide their mental health struggles are usually those who are strong for everyone.
They are the ones that always tell you to reach out to them when you need anything, so when they hit a rough patch, they are reluctant to disclose their feelings.
Feeling like they are being judged for being weak.
Some people feel that accepting you have a mental illness and taking medication for it may be perceived as a weakness.
While some people may show that they are going through stuff, there is a greater percentage of people who are good at masking how they feel.
What should we do then when someone shares that they have mental health problems?
Listen to them without prejudice.
Ask them questions to show that you care.
Let them know you are there and ask how you can be of help.
Be patient and do not rush to give to voice your opinion.
Give them an opportunity to talk.
Try not to overwhelm them by giving too much advice.
Do not downplay their symptoms. It takes a lot for someone to trust you enough with that kind of information about themselves.
Give them space to process their feelings if they ask for it.
Encourage them to continue with their treatment as well as therapies if they have been prescribed them.
Help is available for all types of mental health problems, so no one should go through it alone. Mental health services are free on the NHS (UK).
Depression affects approximately 1 in 4 people of the UK population. Many people suffer from depression but are unaware of the signs or may choose to ignore them in the hope that the feelings may pass.
It may also be a case of not wanting to accept a diagnosis of depression due to the stigma attached to it and the taking of antidepressants or it could be cultural reasons that are holding them back from acknowledging that they need help.
The longer that treatment is delayed, the more difficult it is for depression to be treated, with a higher chance of recurrence. It can also contribute to or worsen other medical conditions.
Here are some signs of depression that you may look out for and if you or someone close to you has experienced any of them for 2 weeks or longer it would be good to see your family doctor to discuss treatment.
Loss of interest in activities that one used to enjoy, loss of libido and being in an extended state of irritable mood.
Trouble remembering details or concentrating.
Unexplained feelings of fatigue or lack of energy over an extended period of time. Fatigue that is brought about by depression is not associated with other causes such as an increase in physical activity or other conditions.
Feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, worthlessness, and helplessness. When someone is depressed, these feelings occur nearly every day and can be severe enough to be delusional.
Hopelessness and Pessimism.
Oversleeping or insomnia.
Restlessness.
Loss of appetite or mindless comfort overeating.
Aches and pains that won’t go away.
Constant sad, anxious, or feelings of emptiness.
Suicidal thoughts or attempts and self-harming. A person suffering from depression may have recurrent deliberations of suicide or attempt suicide.
“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.
Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.
We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.
I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”
The stigma surrounding mental health and other illnesses stops people from sharing how they feel with the ones close to them.
I am one person that advocates for talking about mental health, but over time I have realised that some people who haven’t experienced any mental health problems are rarely sympathetic and feel like you should snap out of it and get on with other things to forget about what you are thinking about.
As soon as you mention depression, anxiety or ptsd, you are labelled as an attention seeker.
How then is one expected to open up about what they are going through when its not even taken seriously?
How do you answer a question like, ‘so when will you get better or will you be depressed all your life?’
The only time someone is taken seriously is when they have a public meltdown but not everyone that has mental health problems will breakdown in that kind of way. It can be experienced in many different ways, for instance;
Tiredness and loss of energy
Sadness that doesn’t go away for a long time
Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
Difficulty concentrating even on simple tasks
Not being able to find pleasure in things that you used to enjoy
Constantly feeling anxious
Not too long ago, I was sitting with someone and they asked me where I had been as they had not seen or heard from me for a while. As I spoke to them, they rolled their eyes, then they said you know, “you cant be taking every diagnosis that the doctor gives you seriously. Just listen and walk away. If I had listened to doctors, I would be having a list of ailments that I have to think of and hundreds of pills to take, but I rebuke them in Jesus’s name and I am well’.
She went on for a while about how she deals with her life and that she will never allow an illness to control her life and urged me to do the same.
I started wishing that I had just said ‘I am fine thanks, and you?’ and moved on, which is what a lot of people with mental health problems end up resorting to.
– Hello, how are you I am fine, thank you! And you
We still have a long way to go in educating people about mental health, especially in ethnic minority communities where culture, religion and social stigma play a big part in peoples lives.
It is not a weakness to accept your diagnosis and be treated for whatever illness you are suffering from, no matter how minor you think that it is.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!
Prayer is good, mediation helps but we can not pray away mental illnesses. While it may be comforting to ‘take our troubles to the Lord in prayer’, it is also important that we seek medical help for health conditions.
We can not pray away mental illness
There are some people that pray relentlessly for healing but not get healed. What do you think goes through those peoples minds when they do not get better after prayer? A lot of times people start to feel like failures, that they have sinned and do not deserve to get healed from their sickness.
Let us encourage loved ones that are suffering, especially with mental health conditions to seek medical help, then we can pray with them; if that is what you do and it is within their beliefs.
This morning I read that Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills, Chino, California had taken his life after battling depression and anxiety. He was only 30 years old, leaving behind a wife and 3 sons.
Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills Church took his life after battling with anxiety and depression. (Inland Hills Church)
This is not a man who didn’t know how to pray. He prayed with and for other people as well as teach. He was a leader that was looked upon as a responsible person in society and religious communities but he suffered from depression.
He probably couldn’t share what was really troubling him as everyone looked to him for answers. It can get very lonely at the top.
His church announced, “In his time leading Inland Hills, Andrew reached so many with his warm wit, passionate heart for God, and teaching that always, always pointed others to Jesus. The loving husband, father, son, and friend that he was will continue to inspire us in leading others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ,”
Mental illness should not be considered as demonic, it is a reality. It is a dysfunction rooted in the structure of the personality and most times caused by traumatic, physical or psychological experiences or genetic imbalances. In most cases medication can help a person lead an almost normal life.
The churches need to step up and teach their congregants about mental health and the help they can get professionally. If people can seek medical help for all other illnesses they should be encouraged to do so for their mental health, then the in-house counselling can be offered. People should not be afraid to reach out when they are suffering.
Let us continue to talk about mental health and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
The Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams, who has previously spoken about her depression and feeling suicidal has checked into a mental health facility for treatment.
Singer Michelle Williams is seeking help for depression
It is not very easy for people of colour to talk about their feelings especially when struggling with depression. Their symptoms are usually attributed to weakness, laziness and attention seeking.
Most times, we only find out when someone has taken their own life that they have been suffering in silence. Michelle has shown immense strength in speaking out and and hopefully it will encourage other people to seek the help that they need.
The 37 year old singer confirmed on her social media pages;
There are people who will say Michelle Williams has had a great life, successful career and recently got engaged to her fiancee; what has she got to be depressed about?
But, depression is not about how much or how little you have. It is a neurological disease associated with the dysfunction of specific brain regions and not simply a consequence of a bad lifestyle and psychological weakness.
Depression brings feelings of sadness and a loss of interest in activities that one once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.
Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:
Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite and weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide
The stigma surrounding mental health can worsen someone’s problems and impede their recovery. It affects their employability and social inclusion in mainstream society.
People are encouraged to talk about how they feel, but the greatest difficulty is finding who to talk to and who to trust.
Today social media is abuzz with all the support for Michelle Williams, she has done the right thing in taking time to focus on her recovery as she has been struggling for a while but; she didn’t stop encouraging others’ to take care of their mental health.
Let us continue to talk about it and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
We are all guilty of holding on to things that we treasure; keepsakes, books, art and our children’s first drawings to name a few. Over time, these things accumulate and it can be a challenge to get rid of them.
There are people who find it easy to get rid of things that they no longer need and there are people who can not bear to part with even a piece of paper where they scribbled information which they will never need to use again.
There are different types of clutter, physical, emotional or mental, social, and digital clutter.
Physical clutter
Physical Clutter, lots of things lying around
This is the most common and visible form of what people can identify as clutter. Its the stuff that can be packed away if there is space; books can be placed on a shelf, shoes on a rack, clothes can be packed in drawers if folded or hung up in a wardrobe and toys can be put in a box.
This clutter weighs us down and causes us to be antisocial because we do not want people to come into our house and see the mess, also it becomes difficult to leave the house because one feels guilty for enjoying other things instead of tidying up but still they never get round to doing it.
It is very draining to be in such an environment as the atmosphere starts to feel very heavy and most times the person will feel fatigued before they even start, so its left for another day.
Physical clutter affects children in a negative way; children that live in messy houses are prone to health conditions due to leaving in an unhygienic place. They can’t have their friends over to play at short notice, and it also affects their attention span as their living and playing space is restricted because of all the clutter around them.
Have you ever been to someones house and there was nowhere to sit that they needed to start moving things off the settee just to make room? Or tried to help someone clean up and almost fallen out because you insisted they throw away certain things that have been in a particular place for years and never been used?
This constant holding on to possessions is what causes people to become hoarders. Not all hoarders live in squalor and smelly houses with dead animals and bad sanitation like we see on TV programmes.
Some people hold on to so much stuff because they fear that they may need it someday. The person may keep the items for reasons that are not obvious to other people, such as for sentimental reasons.
Some people may buy clothes especially in sales and not wear them but keep them in case they need them at some other time. They may have lots of dresses, bags and shoes that they do not have any space for them and end up moving them from place to place. They also tend to buy more clothes if they are going somewhere because they have so many things and they don’t know where to begin looking.
Emotional or Mental Clutter
Mental Clutter – Big Stock
Emotional or mental clutter is the clutter that we can not see. It is the thoughts that hold us back and make life hard and complicated. This may be tied to feelings of guilt over something we wanted to do but didn’t get round to doing it, regret over an unfinished course, unmet deadlines, unreached goals or people we wanted to see but couldn’t make it.
The fear of pursuing your dreams or worrying about what people will say when you do is also a form of mental clutter. It is difficult to reach your true potential when you go through those type of emotions. People end up being stuck in a rut and not being able to pursue their careers or make positive changes in their lives.
When you have mental clutter, it is difficult to experience clarity, peace and love. It occupies your thoughts and and gradually makes you believe that the negative thoughts in your mind are real. This causes insecurities and holds you back from living life to your full potential.
Social Clutter
Social Clutter – you don’t have to follow the mob
Sometimes we are in relationships that no longer add to our lives but drain us instead. We stay with the same groups of people even though we have grown apart, stick to the same routines that we get no enjoyment out of because it is the norm or trend just to fit in. Sometimes we give so much more of ourselves than we can, getting nothing in return or being mistreated and sometimes we commit ourselves to events that we do not have any desire to be in the first place because of fear.
It is hard but useful to distance yourself from negative talk and people that bring you down. Toxic relationships end up making you insecure and causing you to limit yourself from getting good opportunities.
Digital Clutter
Digital clutter
In this age of digitalisation, our mobile phones, iPads and computers have apps that we download and we think are good idea to have but never get round to using. We bookmark things that we never go back to read or delete on our computers and that creates a lot of clutter.
Some people do not check their emails or filter junk post and they get overwhelmed when they go into their emails. We take hundreds of pictures on our phones but do not delete them or move them to a memory stick and we end up scrolling through thousands of pictures while looking for just one suitable one.
It causes anxiety to realise that you have months worth of mail and you have missed payments or important correspondence because of not clearing your digital clutter.
There are many reasons that lead to people living cluttered lives. Our past events, childhood experiences, religious beliefs, cultural beliefs and traumatic events all play a part in what we do in our lives.
Some people may have suffered an illness where they find it difficult to tidy up their things or are lonely and just feel emotionally attached to certain objects as a way of comfort. After a bereavement certain stuff is kept because of its sentimental value and the feeling that if they throw away the things, they are throwing away all their memories of their loved one.
Sometimes the behaviour is adopted from parents that hoard things but most times it is the opposite, whereby if a parent was compulsive about cleanliness, a child may rebel later in life because they finally have no one to tell them what to do.
Some people were just not taught or learned the skills of maintaining a tidy environment and others struggle with depression or anxiety that causes them to lose interest in day to day activities.
There are instances where the clutter is manageable and someones surroundings can be cleared but it can also get to a point where the problem is bigger than lack of time and a person is not prepared to accept help clearing up because they are afraid that the helper may throw away their stuff.
It becomes a fire and trip hazard when someone has collected too much stuff, especially the elderly but it is important to be patient and understanding because there may be a lot of reasons why that person is behaving in that way and not rush in to throw away their stuff and cause more harm than good.
It is pointless to clear out someone’s house on their behalf because if they do not get rid of their possessions themselves they will not have participated in the decluttering so will learn nothing from it. They have to be ready and willing to make the change and they should not be encouraged to put things in storage either because they will continue accumulating things and end up being worse off.
Earlier today the news emerged that designer Kate Spade had taken her own life, leaving a 13 year old daughter and husband.
A child has lost a mother, a husband has lost a wife, irrespective of their marital problems.
Rest in peace Kate Spade
Suicide is a choice they say.. But is it?
People that die of suicide will not be thinking straight at their time of death, their mental illnesses cause them to reach that point.
It is evident she was not in a happy place because she would not have ended her life and left a teenage child without a mother.
No matter what she wrote on her suicide note, the reasons are never going to be explanation enough to her family and those closest to her.
There are so many questions left unasked and unanswered. There will be so many stories that will emerge, some sympathetic, some; not so much.
No one knows what she was feeling during her last days for her to end her life the way she did.
One does not simply choose to die as though they are deciding what to make for dinner… “err, actually, I think I will die now”.
There are so many factors that cause someone to sink to a certain low, feel worthless and no matter how much they try, they feel that they are better off dead.
People who are affected by mental health disorders are more likely to commit suicide. Sometimes it is known before a persons death but sometimes it is known after.
Depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are the most common mental health disorders that contribute to suicide.
When a person is so overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and worthlessness they often think that they have no other option and start contemplating suicide.
It is hard to know how someone is feeling but there are usually tell tale signs that can indicate that they are depressed or have suicidal tendencies for instance ;
Avoiding social situations.
Feeling hopeless and helpless.
Exhibiting feelings of strong anger or rage.
Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
Abusing drugs or alcohol and self harming.
Exhibiting changes in personality.
Constant talk or writing about death or suicide.
It is important to watch out for theses signs and take action to enable someone to get the help that they need and possibly prevent a tragic suicide attempt or death.
The stigma surrounding mental health and suicide makes them taboo subjects to talk about. Most people that have suicidal thoughts do not want to burden anyone with their problems so they do not reach out for fear of being judged and accused of attention seeking.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is. Let’s stop the stigma!
When asked this question, the first image that comes to mind is a worn out looking man or woman with tired, dark circled eyes that sits alone in a corner somewhere and shies away from everyone.
Another is of a teenage boy or girl that likes to dress in dark colours and has piercings and some tattoos.
But does depression really have a look?
Can we define depression by a person’s physical appearance?
When we have conversations about depression and emotional wellness a lot of people from African origins and other ethnic minorities do not want to open up about mental conditions as they consider depression to be an illness that affects only white people and are afraid of being judged, but the truth is, depression does not have a specific look.
You could ride in a bus, be in a queue at the bank or working in an office and not know if the person next to you suffers from depression because you can not tell just by looking at someone. You could be the one suffering from depression and no one may know just by looking at you.
Depression doesn’t necessarily change a persons’ appearance but the person suffering from the condition experiences a change in emotions, therefore you cannot always point them out as not all emotions have an expression and some people are good at hiding their emotions.
Even when someone expresses a certain emotion, it may not be related to depression at all, hence it is very difficult to tell if someone suffers from it or not unless it is diagnosed by a professional.
Depression is a very serious condition that can go on for years because the mood changes may come and go. It makes it difficult for one to live their life as normal as possible and carry out their daily tasks.
A one-off feeling of sadness or being down cannot be defined as depression, however, the term ‘I am so depressed’ is commonly loosely used when someone has had a challenging time or a stressful day or they didn’t get or achieve what they needed to.
Although many people with depression feel sadness, it feels much more severe than emotions that come and go in response to life events. We also cannot just conclude that someone is depressed if they seem unhappy about something.
It is a common misconception that being depressed is a choice, a luxury illness for attention seekers and sufferers are constantly being told to have a positive attitude.
Friends and loved ones often get frustrated or don’t understand why a person can’t “snap out of it.” They may even say that the person has nothing to be depressed about, they have a good job, nice family and so on.
Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people, in fact, it is a major risk factor for suicide.
Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and are cured. Just like any other chronic illness, some people respond well to treatment or therapy or both and some people take longer to respond or to seek treatment.
Depression knows no race, gender, age, political affiliation, marital status, financial status or religious views. Some people will be functioning well in their day to day lives and excelling in their jobs or school but still suffer from depression silently.
If you start to feel like harming yourself or that your life is not worth living, please try to get help straight away.
You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
