Tag: SELF ESTEEM

Posted on

But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

 

 

Posted on

“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I  had to contribute to the family during  bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days  when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

 

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

 

  • Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

 

  • Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

 

  • Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

 

  • Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

 

  • Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.

Posted on

Breakups – When it’s no longer just sadness

Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.

When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.

But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.

If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!

If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.

When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.

It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.

As with any loss, it is usual to have

  • Feelings of frustration and anger
  • Sadness
  • Crying
  • Shock
  • Denial
  • Loneliness
  • Fear
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of interest in activities

The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.

There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;

  • taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
  • understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
  • not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
  • writing or talking about it
  • appreciating your own self-worth
  • not blaming yourself

If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.

If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.

Some of the symptoms to look out for are;

  • Feeling worthless
  • Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Loss of appetite
  • Compulsive eating for comfort
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
  • Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
  • Having suicidal thoughts
  • Feeling empty everyday
  • Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
  • Having no energy for most of the day
  • Low self esteem
  • Feeling anxious

It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.

If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Learn to let go of the need for validation or the approval of others

As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.

It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.

It is good to be appraised for a job well done

Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.

If you find yourself

  • overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
  • constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
  • feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
  • continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
  • holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
  • feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
  • suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
  • trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
  • lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
  • conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.

For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.

This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.

We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.

You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like

Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation

  • Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
  • Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
  • Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
  • Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
  • Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
  • Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
  • Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.

It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.

 

Posted on

Dear family and friends, “OMG.. you have gained so much weight!” is not a greeting

Over the last few months I have gained a significant amount of weight but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges of being a big girl in a vain world.

Its bad enough shopping for clothes or squeezing myself into control pants and almost fainting from the pressure while I drive, then to bump into someone that says, ‘Gosh you have gained so much weight!’.

Me at the African Women’s Dinner 2018

How about hello, how are you?

I know I have gained weight; that cutting of my spanks reminds me of it every second that I am standing with you and dying to take it off.

Generally people are not kind to overweight people, they have been conditioned to resent people when they are overweight because there is a misconception that those people are irresponsible, they over eat and don’t look after themselves.

But weight gain is not only about eating, an imbalance in hormones can make it difficult for you to lose weight even if your are eating healthy.

Hormones control  inflammation, metabolism and uptake of glucose in the body which plays a big part in weight gain. (these will be addressed in another post)

Women tend to suffer from more stress which impacts on their well being by releasing much higher levels of stress hormones. When women suffer from depression, instead of reducing sleep and the amounts they eat, they start to eat and sleep more, increasing their carbohydrate intake which results in significant weight gain.

The more weight they put on, the more guilty they become.

They become helpless, feel like failures and turn to food for comfort which leads to more weight gain.

There are so many challenges that come with being “the big girl” or boy.

A lot of overweight people pretend to be happy about their weight when they are in public, they can be the life and soul of the party but suffer when they are on their own.

People think you eat too much and even when you are hungry, you are mindful of being watched when you eat because people do comment “ahh all that food, no wonder why you put on weight”.

Where I come from, weight gain is linked to having a good life. It is assumed that you eat well and have spare cash to help other people so no one will understand you may be having health problems.

Some people are on medications that cause them to gain weight. Certain steroids and antidepressants cause weight gain. Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction comes with weight gain.

People tend to watch what they say when they come across someone that has lost a lot of weight than one that has gained weight. It is important to be mindful of what we say to each other, big, small, tall or short.

Not all illnesses are visible, be patient and kind always.