therapy | Beyond The Shade

November 15, 2022

You Don’t Look Depressed

There have been numerous times when I have heard this statement, you don’t look depressed or you don’t look like you struggle with anxiety or mental health problems; but what do depression and anxiety look like?

The general expectation of someone struggling with their mental health is that they would be always sad, angry, or crying but there is more than one look to mental health.

While some people may show that they are anxious or depressed, there is a greater percentage of people who are good at masking how they feel.

Here are some Reasons for hiding one’s mental health

Fear of experiencing negative responses to sharing about their mental health.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health, especially in ethnic minorities. For one thing, one may feel like it is a weakness to let people know that they have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and that they may be receiving treatment for it.

Not wanting to be a burden to loved ones or colleagues.

If one bears a responsibility to family or is in a senior position at work, they may not want their children or peers to know that they are struggling.

Feeling embarrassed to talk about what they are going through.

A lot of people that hide their mental health struggles are usually those who are strong for everyone.

They are the ones that always tell you to reach out to them when you need anything, so when they hit a rough patch, they are reluctant to disclose their feelings.

Feeling like they are being judged for being weak.

Some people feel that accepting you have a mental illness and taking medication for it may be perceived as a weakness.

While some people may show that they are going through stuff, there is a greater percentage of people who are good at masking how they feel.

What should we do then when someone shares that they have mental health problems?

Listen to them without prejudice.
Ask them questions to show that you care.
Let them know you are there and ask how you can be of help.
Be patient and do not rush to give to voice your opinion.
Give them an opportunity to talk.
Try not to overwhelm them by giving too much advice.
Do not downplay their symptoms. It takes a lot for someone to trust you enough with that kind of information about themselves.
Give them space to process their feelings if they ask for it.
Encourage them to continue with their treatment as well as therapies if they have been prescribed them.

Help is available for all types of mental health problems, so no one should go through it alone. Mental health services are free on the NHS (UK).

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/social-care-and-your-rights/how-to-access-mental-health-services

Photo cred: pexels-mwabonje-1820919.jpg

Image by Robert Ruggiero from Pixabay

May 12, 2021

Dear Mums, You Don’t Have To be Perfect

I came across this quote and it made me think about the sacrifices parents make for their children, especially mothers.

“Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” [Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm]

Every so often we do too much, take on more than we can or need to until we get to a point that we can no longer manage, and our mental and physical health starts to suffer.

When we take on too many projects than we can handle, we are left feeling anxious to meet the deadlines, burnt out from doing too much, and depressed that we couldn’t finish the tasks on time or didn’t manage to complete them at all.

Taking on too many assignments leaves you overwhelmed

We need to know that it’s okay to take a break from the pressures of life, say no to invitations to the events that we don’t want to attend, and be selective about the activities we put ourselves up for.

Most of my friends are mothers who need to run their households, looking after kids, doing school runs, keeping social and health appointments, sports activities and some also work full time.

It’s hard work keeping up with social and medical appointments

By the time the stay-at-home mums drop the kids off at school, go back home and do the cleaning, pick up the shopping, it’s almost time to pick up the children from school again and make dinner.

The working parents have to manage their schedules to fit in with school dropoffs, picking up from babysitters or after-school clubs, go home and make dinner get the kids ready for bed, and do it all over again the next day.

Working mothers have to juggle work and childcare

Working overtime with no breaks and no time out to recharge for yourself is not good, but most mums feel that if they stop then it means that they are not good parents. It’s not the amount of time we spend with the kids that matters, it’s the amount of quality time we spend with them.

Sometimes even the partners are not aware of how much the mothers do on a daily basis. It is okay to ask for help, perhaps with cleaning once in a while or having a sitter come in and look after the kids for a few hours while you go to the gym, a walk, coffee with friends, or just to take a nap and have a rest.

Here are a few tips to help you slow down

Enjoy the little time you have alone – don’t spend your time alone at home after dropping off kids at school feeling anxious about how they are getting on. The teachers are trained to look after the children during that time, instead, read a book or write a journal.

Make some time to unwind – if you have a few minutes to yourself, even 5 to 10 mins, you can close your eyes and use this time to practice mindfulness, meditate, take deep breaths and clear your thoughts.

Take Walks – you can do this with your dog if you have one or with the children at a safe place where children can safely run around and get some fresh air. It is good for you and the children’s mental health and also helps them to sleep better at night.

Take a Power Nap – A power nap can help you recharge. You don’t have to sleep for hours – just 30 minutes to an hour can help you feel rested and you can continue with your tasks.

Treat yourself to a relaxing bath – when you’re on a tight schedule it’s always quick showers and out of a house, so having a long warm bath feels like a treat. When the kids have settled in for the night, light some nice smelling candles, put some soothing bath salts and soak in a bubble bath. You will feel refreshed.

Watch what you eat – When you’re busy with the children and activities it is easy to eat on the hoof. Most mums will grab a chocolate bar and a coffee to go, on the way to pick up the kids from school and nibble on what the children are having for dinner and not make time for their own nutrition. That is also detrimental to overall wellbeing so it is very important to make time to prepare, sit and eat healthy meals.

To all the mothers out there, please do not find excuses that will keep you from taking a break. You do not have to be perfect, we become better parents when we are rested and happy, not when we are depressed and overwhelmed by our schedules and children. You do need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, you deserve the break.

November 12, 2020

There Should Be No Shame in Taking Antidepressants

We have all experienced feeling unwell at some point in our lives. When one has a headache, they reach for an aspirin or paracetamol, grab a Gaviscon tablet for acid reflux and carry their insulin to manage their blood sugar when they need to.

We don’t think twice about reaching for paracetamol when we have a headache.

Anyone diagnosed with a long-term illness has to rely on regular medications for relief as prescribed by their doctors and are grateful for the reprieve that the medication brings to them.

In the UK, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year and 1 in 6 people report undergoing a common mental health problem such as anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder in any given week but antidepressants are not spoken of as liberally as other medications.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health to begin with, so it becomes a sensitive topic when someone has to start taking antidepressants for a mental illness or to let family and friends know about their diagnosis.

Here are some of the reasons why people who are struggling with mental health problems may not want to take antidepressants:

The fear of side effects deters people from taking antidepressants. There is a lot of negative talk regarding the potential side effects of antidepressants and some people believe that the medication will make them worse

The cost of the medication may prevent a person suffering with mental health problems from obtaining repeat prescriptions for their antidepressants

The fear of being labelled a pill popper, lazy, and mad by their peers and families

Some people are not good at taking medication, they forget or miss doses, and some expect faster results so may stop taking the antidepressants before they kick in and then say that the medication is not working

There is always a worry that one may become too dependent on antidepressants and not be able to function without them or that their problems could be accelerated because of taking the medication, so some people avoid taking their antidepressants.

We are surrounded by different types of people. Some are kind and sympathetic to those struggling and some can’t hide their annoyance when someone is open about their mental illness.

That causes a lot of people who have mental health problems to hide their illness and end up not taking their medication but there should be no shame in anyone taking their prescribed medication.

It is also important for people that are struggling with mental health illnesses to take their medications directly as prescribed by their doctor and not combine it with any other medication or substances in order to treat their symptoms correctly and to help them manage or overcome their problems.

When antidepressants are not used properly, they can result in unpleasant side effects, longer recovery, worsened health, substance abuse disorders, or even loss of life.

Here are some useful tips for taking your antidepressants:

Always try to keep an up to date list of your medications so that doctors do not prescribe antidepressants that counteract with your other medications

Make sure to check whether your antidepressants can be taken on an empty stomach, with food, or after food

Create a routine so that you don’t forget to take your antidepressants and take them at the same time daily to avoid overlapping your doses

Use a clear pill organiser with labels for the times and days of the week to help you keep track of your daily medication doses

Do not share your antidepressants with other people and do not double up on a dosage if for any reason you have missed your medication

Do not take other people’s medication and reduce your intake of alcohol and other stimulants while on antidepressants

Travel with extra medication when visiting family and friends in case you stay for longer than you had planned

Pack all your prescribed medications in your carry-on case if you are flying for safety in the event that your luggage gets lost and to protect them from damage

Do not go off your antidepressants cold turkey as that has more detrimental effects to your physical and mental health. Follow the directions of your doctor when you need to increase, reduce or stop taking the medication

As with all medications, there is no one size fits all approach to treating symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health illnesses. All antidepressants carry a suicide warning and can cause different reactions to the people taking them. At least 50 percent of people who take antidepressants report excessive weight loss, weight gain, loss of libido but the benefits and the improved quality of life that the antidepressants can provide, outweighs its risks.

Some people may also choose to treat their depression and anxiety symptoms using holistic treatments such as exercise, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, hypnosis, and natural supplements such as Multi-Vitamins with B6 and minerals, Omega-3 fatty acids, probiotics, and Vitamin D-3.

Some people opt for holistic practices such as exercise and vitamins.

There are many different views on how antidepressants work, however they are considered to be an important part of treating depression as they relieve the symptoms, help with emotional balance, and reduce the chances that they may come back.

People have referred to antidepressants as happy pills, but they do not make you happy. They do not instantly make you cheerful, but when you are prescribed with a combination that works for you, they allow you to perform better and engage in the things that will bring you happiness.

It is not recommended to stop taking any antidepressants abruptly as it can cause withdrawals such as severe depression, digestion problems, and sleeping problems. Only start weaning off your medications under the supervision of your doctor.

November 13, 2018

Indoda Ayikhali – Men Dont Cry

‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)

Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.

Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.

Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.

Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.

Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.

Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.

Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.

This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.

There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.

Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.

Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.

What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!

Why do you want to adopt western values?

That is a rich man’s illness.

That is a white man’s illness.

Seriously, what has race got to do with it?

Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.

There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.

Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.

It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression

Changes in mood
Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
Drug abuse
Avoiding being with other people
Loss of libido
Constant complaints of fatigue
Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
Irritability
Sleeping too much or too little

Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:

Financial problems
Death of a loved one
Break ups
Relationship problems
Stress at work
Health problems
Loss of work or earnings

When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.

There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.

Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.

August 27, 2018

We can not simply pray away mental illness

Prayer is good, mediation helps but we can not pray away mental illnesses. While it may be comforting to ‘take our troubles to the Lord in prayer’, it is also important that we seek medical help for health conditions.

There are some people that pray relentlessly for healing but not get healed. What do you think goes through those peoples minds when they do not get better after prayer? A lot of times people start to feel like failures, that they have sinned and do not deserve to get healed from their sickness.

Let us encourage loved ones that are suffering, especially with mental health conditions to seek medical help, then we can pray with them; if that is what you do and it is within their beliefs.

This morning I read that Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills, Chino, California had taken his life after battling depression and anxiety. He was only 30 years old, leaving behind a wife and 3 sons.

Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills Church took his life after battling with anxiety and depression. (Inland Hills Church)

This is not a man who didn’t know how to pray. He prayed with and for other people as well as teach. He was a leader that was looked upon as a responsible person in society and religious communities but he suffered from depression.

He probably couldn’t share what was really troubling him as everyone looked to him for answers. It can get very lonely at the top.

His church announced, “In his time leading Inland Hills, Andrew reached so many with his warm wit, passionate heart for God, and teaching that always, always pointed others to Jesus. The loving husband, father, son, and friend that he was will continue to inspire us in leading others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ,”

Mental illness should not be considered as demonic, it is a reality. It is a dysfunction rooted in the structure of the personality and most times caused by traumatic, physical or psychological experiences or genetic imbalances. In most cases medication can help a person lead an almost normal life.

The churches need to step up and teach their congregants about mental health and the help they can get professionally. If people can seek medical help for all other illnesses they should be encouraged to do so for their mental health, then the in-house counselling can be offered. People should not be afraid to reach out when they are suffering.

Let us continue to talk about mental health and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

July 18, 2018

Depression is real – We just don’t talk about it enough

The Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams, who has previously spoken about her depression and feeling suicidal has checked into a mental health facility for treatment.

Singer Michelle Williams is seeking help for depression

It is not very easy for people of colour to talk about their feelings especially when struggling with depression. Their symptoms are usually attributed to weakness, laziness and attention seeking.

Most times, we only find out when someone has taken their own life that they have been suffering in silence. Michelle has shown immense strength in speaking out and and hopefully it will encourage other people to seek the help that they need.

The 37 year old singer confirmed on her social media pages;

There are people who will say Michelle Williams has had a great life, successful career and recently got engaged to her fiancee; what has she got to be depressed about?

But, depression is not about how much or how little you have. It is a neurological disease associated with the dysfunction of specific brain regions and not simply a consequence of a bad lifestyle and psychological weakness.

Depression brings feelings of sadness and a loss of interest in activities that one once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.

Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite and weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide

The stigma surrounding mental health can worsen someone’s problems and impede their recovery. It affects their employability and social inclusion in mainstream society.

People are encouraged to talk about how they feel, but the greatest difficulty is finding who to talk to and who to trust.

Today social media is abuzz with all the support for Michelle Williams, she has done the right thing in taking time to focus on her recovery as she has been struggling for a while but; she didn’t stop encouraging others’ to take care of their mental health.

Let us continue to talk about it and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

Sources: Harvard Health; Mentalhealth.org; Mind.org.uk

July 15, 2018

Choose Life

When you feel like there is no choice

Choose life

In the midst of a storm and you feel all alone

Choose life

When you think you have reached breaking point

Choose life

When you feel like a failure

Choose life

When that break up hurts so bad, choose you

Choose life

Times can get hard, but

Choose life

When you get overwhelmed by life’s problems

Choose life

When you are plagued by unhealthy thoughts

Choose life

When you feel like you are out of solutions

Choose life

When you think that no one will listen, there is always support

Choose life

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is

Choose life

March 27, 2018

What does depression look like?

When asked this question, the first image that comes to mind is a worn out looking man or woman with tired, dark circled eyes that sits alone in a corner somewhere and shies away from everyone.

Another is of a teenage boy or girl that likes to dress in dark colours and has piercings and some tattoos.

But does depression really have a look?

Can we define depression by a person’s physical appearance?

When we have conversations about depression and emotional wellness a lot of people from African origins and other ethnic minorities do not want to open up about mental conditions as they consider depression to be an illness that affects only white people and are afraid of being judged, but the truth is, depression does not have a specific look.

You could ride in a bus, be in a queue at the bank or working in an office and not know if the person next to you suffers from depression because you can not tell just by looking at someone. You could be the one suffering from depression and no one may know just by looking at you.

Depression doesn’t necessarily change a persons’ appearance but the person suffering from the condition experiences a change in emotions, therefore you cannot always point them out as not all emotions have an expression and some people are good at hiding their emotions.

Even when someone expresses a certain emotion, it may not be related to depression at all, hence it is very difficult to tell if someone suffers from it or not unless it is diagnosed by a professional.

Depression is a very serious condition that can go on for years because the mood changes may come and go. It makes it difficult for one to live their life as normal as possible and carry out their daily tasks.

A one-off feeling of sadness or being down cannot be defined as depression, however, the term ‘I am so depressed’ is commonly loosely used when someone has had a challenging time or a stressful day or they didn’t get or achieve what they needed to.

Although many people with depression feel sadness, it feels much more severe than emotions that come and go in response to life events. We also cannot just conclude that someone is depressed if they seem unhappy about something.

It is a common misconception that being depressed is a choice, a luxury illness for attention seekers and sufferers are constantly being told to have a positive attitude.

Friends and loved ones often get frustrated or don’t understand why a person can’t “snap out of it.” They may even say that the person has nothing to be depressed about, they have a good job, nice family and so on.

https://pixabay.com/en/users/trevoykellyphotography-7814005/

Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people, in fact, it is a major risk factor for suicide.

Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and are cured. Just like any other chronic illness, some people respond well to treatment or therapy or both and some people take longer to respond or to seek treatment.

Depression knows no race, gender, age, political affiliation, marital status, financial status or religious views. Some people will be functioning well in their day to day lives and excelling in their jobs or school but still suffer from depression silently.

If you start to feel like harming yourself or that your life is not worth living, please try to get help straight away.

You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.