‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)
Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.
Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.
Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.
Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.
Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.
Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.
Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.
This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.
Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.
Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.
Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.
What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!
Why do you want to adopt western values?
That is a rich man’s illness.
That is a white man’s illness.
Seriously, what has race got to do with it?
There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.
Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.
It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.
There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression
- Changes in mood
- Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
- Drug abuse
- Avoiding being with other people
- Loss of libido
- Constant complaints of fatigue
- Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
- Irritability
- Sleeping too much or too little
Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:
- Financial problems
- Death of a loved one
- Break ups
- Relationship problems
- Stress at work
- Health problems
- Loss of work or earnings
When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.
There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.
Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.