Month: March 2019

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Are you depending on other people for your happiness?

All of us want to be happy and all of us deserve to be happy.

There are many things in our lives that bring us joy; our families, friendships, partnerships, possessions and jobs.

We all need to give and get support from others, but how much do we rely on the people around us for our inner happiness? How much are we attached to the things that we believe bring us happiness?

It is good to have healthy relationships and healthy attachments with people so that when they are not around, you can still function and progress on your own.

When you are emotionally dependent on your children and they grow up and leave home, you will be left with a void that can’t be filled. It is best for parents not to “live for their kids”, find new interests and hobbies so that when the time comes, they do not get deeply affected by the changes.

According to research (Psychology Today), Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) that persists for a long time ends up developing into depression.

Sometimes the children do not turn out to be what the parents expected them to become and it leaves them feeling resentful and betrayed because they projected the children to be their source of happiness.

When you are attached to a partner and the relationship ends, it takes away a significant part of you because you would have been living a life based on feeding your need to be wanted.

If you have friends and you find yourself getting upset when you discover that they are attending an event that you haven’t been invited to, then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

You have to understand and accept that people can be friends with you and acquainted with others; and vice versa. They may be friendly with other workmates or parents at their children’s schools and they do not need a green light from you to go where they are invited.

Maybe they just want a break from you and your neediness, and so they  choose to go with other people.

Here are some of the signs that you may be relying on other people to make you happy:

  • Do you find it difficult to be alone and get anxious when people don’t respond to your calls?
  • Do you feel hurt when people you consider to be friends don’t invite you to a party or social event?
  • Do you feel good when you are getting approval and praise from people around you but feel dispirited when you don’t?
  • Do you feel neglected when your partner is out with his/her friends or workmates?
  • Do you find someone sitting quietly and assume that they are upset with you about something even though they are just reflecting?
  • When you are in a romantic relationship do you feel that you can’t live without the person you are dating?
  • Do you think that your partner or children should always be there for you even when they have other things going on in their lives?

 

There is a difference between loving someone and being needy. When you abandon yourself and expect other people to fill your inner void you will become dependent on their company to feel good.

No one should enter into any form of relationship with someone and expect to be instantly fixed of their emotional baggage. You have to be ready to stand on your own first before you allow people into your life so that they do not influence your decisions.

All grow-ups need to take responsibility for their physical and emotional well-being and not depend on others to make it worthwhile for them.

You have to learn to create your own happiness, fall in love with yourself first then you won’t need to be so dependent on other people. In fact, you will be able to love others freely and be able to let go without losing a part of yourself.

You should not be relying on anyone to make you happy.

 

 

 

 

 

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There Is Light At The End of the Tunnel

Let me share with you something; there are wounds that will never show on your body and are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

Depression doesn’t discriminate. It knows no boundaries. Whether you are young, old, rich, poor, fat, thin, beautiful, ugly, popular, loved or lonely – depression doesn’t see a difference and it affects all kinds of people.

Depressed people are not always lonely people who walk all alone. They are the beautiful lady smiling as she sobs inside, the handsome successful footballer, the mother pushing a stroller and smiling at her baby, the father playing catch with his son, the famous dancer, the award-winning musician and the well published authors.

The point is, we can’t always tell if someone is depressed because people are good at hiding their feelings. There are people out there, just getting through the day however they can, to get to the next one, even though they are tired of their life.

Depression… it just eats you up slowly and slowly from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over your mind. The most horrible thing is that it will isolate you and make you feel so lonely.

I managed to turn everything that was said to me into a bad thing, I was clearly my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so drained from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was useless and so unbearable, waking up every day doing the same thing over and over again.

I felt so sick when it was night time because that’s when the voices got even louder and so intense. I would get frustrated because it seemed difficult to sleep. It’s like insomnia and depression go hand in hand; the pain of being desperate to sleep but you can’t switch off.

I knew that this wasn’t the life I wanted to be living, I needed help but asking for it just made me feel like a burden.

I wanted to be free of meds, doctors and negative thoughts.

I felt as if I was losing myself and would never be the same again, I started being scared of life, wondering why I was even alive.

I lacked the motivation to do anything because I couldn’t see a future for myself; not existing felt like a better option.

Anxiety caused me to believe everyone was faking their love for me, so I tended to push people away.

‘Cheer up’, people would say, that but that was the worst thing anyone could have said to me.

Those two words triggered thousands of horrifying thoughts and I was constantly beating myself up for not hiding how I felt well enough from everyone around me.

Some were dismissive, saying ‘you have issues or you like attention’.

I would cry myself to sleep because I desperately wanted to share how I felt but I didn’t dare to tell them because I knew that they wouldn’t understand and would be judgmental about what I was going through.

Ultimately, I just decided to isolate myself in my room because less contact with people meant nothing could go wrong, but that’s where the battlefield was at.

There was a moment where I relied on medication and I am grateful because it really helped me.

There were times where I felt like taking my own life and sometimes, I wonder what deterred me from doing it because I had all the resources to go and just do it.

It petrified me to realise that in order to get on the road to recovery, I had to look inside myself to be able to start the process.

I have learnt to change my thought processes and stop oppressing myself, it’s a habit that’s been hard to break but I know I’ve made some positive changes.

You are the only person who can turn your life around and choose what emotions you want your mind to play.

I feel that if I hadn’t been through this hell hole, I wouldn’t have learnt that the most important thing in life is to be happy.

I have graduated from university with an honours degree, gained some certifications and run my own business. I can now see a future and I have a belief that I will build an empire in something that I love, something that makes ME happy, not focusing on what others want from me.

If I was given a chance to give one piece of advice to others who are struggling with this illness; it would be to encourage them not to suffer in silence, talk to someone and not isolate themselves.

There are a lot of people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing now and have come out on the other side. In fact, their experiences have made them who they are today, most of them are great positive people because they won the battle.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do because depression is an illness like any other; you can overcome it.

I have learnt to show myself the same love, respect and concern that I would show for others. We accept that other parts of our bodies can be fragile, why can’t we be that way about our minds too?

Depression is an illness that can be managed and treated. I have experienced it and I am proof that you can be happy again and live the life you want but you need to ask for and accept help.

If you think someone is depressed and in a bad place, the best thing you can do is to talk to them and also find someone that can help.

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You are strong for surviving

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.

Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.

We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”

 

Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things