Emotional abuse | Beyond The Shade

January 11, 2019

Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.

July 20, 2018

Discipline does not have to hurt

Spare the rod and spoil the child

Now this is one popular saying that most of my peers will be able to relate to.

Growing up we were disciplined with the cane, a smack if you were close enough, a wooden spoon if you happened to be in the kitchen, a rubber slipper, a belt or even a punch if you misbehaved, broke rules or disrespected your parents.

That could have been anything from breaking glass, playing outside past your curfew, getting grades that were lower than your parents expected you to get, talking to boys, answering back, even interrupting grownups talking and getting low grades.

Teachers disciplined you at school and if your parents heard about it, you could get another beating from them. We had popular headmasters and teachers that were known for giving the best or ‘worst’ beatings in my opinion and some people still thank them today for the way they helped them shape their lives.

How does being beaten by someone else shape your life? In my opinion, it forces people into submission when they are with a person they regard as authority and teaches them that hitting other people is a way to deal with their anger.

Spare the rod and spoil the wife

As people get older and have their own relationships and children, they adopt the traits of their parents that you can discipline someone by laying a hand on them.

I remember my friends avoiding their older brothers if we went out because they were afraid of them. Why? Most likely because they had the parents blessing to discipline the younger siblings.

Women stick around in abusive relationships because they saw their mothers stay when their fathers beat them.

They stick around because they were beaten by their parents and often they were told it was done out of love. If they did not love them they would not bother correcting them.

When a woman feels oppressed in a marriage or and walks away from being abused, she is encouraged to talk to her elders who in turn urge her to return to her marital home and put up with it; as we all know, marriage is not easy, you adapt and get used to the person you are with and you have to stay for the sake of the children.

There are men who stay in relationships where they are emotionally and verbally abused, for the same reasons as women. It also could be that there are children involved and they do not want to be caught up in a custody battle. Sometimes they do not even realise that they are in an abusive relationship because they have been raised in a similar environment, so they just put up with it.

man couple people woman — Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

The need to show who is the boss

I befriended a young lady that lived in a flat above me with her partner a few years ago. They painted a happy picture, such a lovely couple, but almost every weekend there were cries from her flat when she was being beaten. She refused to talk about it when we met.

They eventually went separate ways but the partner was known to tell the ‘boys’ when they were at the pub that he did it to show her who was the boss. It didn’t matter if she had been good or bad in his eyes, he still hit her.

But where does one person get the authority to raise a hand to another? Could it be insecurity; that they need to control another person them to keep them in check? Could it be learned behaviour from the way they were disciplined themselves as children?

I was spanked as a kid and turned out just fine

There may be some people that say, ‘we were spanked as children but we turned out just fine’ and continue the same practice with their own children.

There is no justification for laying a hand on anyone else but sometimes one doesn’t have to touch you to hurt you. Emotional abuse is psychological, you may not see the scars but the damage is long term. Survivors of abuse can suffer from low esteem, depression, lack of self-confidence, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), drug and alcohol abuse.

Children look up to their parents and learn behaviour’s and social norms through them. Violence is not love but we have been conditioned by parents and care givers that it is okay to be punished by the one that provides for you.

Physical discipline does not help anyone, in fact it often leads to forced submission and acceptance of abuse in later relationships as well others developing abusive tendencies towards future partners.

We all need structure and discipline in our lives but it can be instilled without the need to be physical.

Disclaimer: This article is based on my readings, feelings and experience. Please feel free to comment and share.

March 3, 2018

There’s caring – then there’s narcissism, you are good enough!

Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?

We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents. Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.

Narcissism James C. Tanner

If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.

The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.

This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.

They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.

They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.

Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.

As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.

They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.

They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.

shopping You are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.

You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.

Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.

There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.

They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?

They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.

They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.

They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.

They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.

They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.

Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.

On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers. They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.

It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.