Tag: BLACK AND DEPRESSED

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You Don’t Look Depressed

There have been numerous times when I have heard this statement, you don’t look depressed or you don’t look like you struggle with anxiety or mental health problems; but what do depression and anxiety look like?

The general expectation of someone struggling with their mental health is that they would be always sad, angry, or crying but there is more than one look to mental health.

While some people may show that they are anxious or depressed, there is a greater percentage of people who are good at masking how they feel.

Here are some Reasons for hiding one’s mental health

  • Fear of experiencing negative responses to sharing about their mental health.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health, especially in ethnic minorities. For one thing,  one may feel like it is a weakness to let people know that they have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and that they may be receiving treatment for it.

  • Not wanting to be a burden to loved ones or colleagues.

If one bears a responsibility to family or is in a senior position at work, they may not want their children or peers to know that they are struggling.

  • Feeling embarrassed to talk about what they are going through.

A lot of people that hide their mental health struggles are usually those who are strong for everyone.

They are the ones that always tell you to reach out to them when you need anything, so when they hit a rough patch, they are reluctant to disclose their feelings.

  • Feeling like they are being judged for being weak.

Some people feel that accepting you have a mental illness and taking medication for it may be perceived as a weakness.

 

While some people may show that they are going through stuff, there is a greater percentage of people who are good at masking how they feel.

What should we do then when someone shares that they have mental health problems? 

  • Listen to them without prejudice.
  • Ask them questions to show that you care.
  • Let them know you are there and ask how you can be of help.
  • Be patient and do not rush to give to voice your opinion.
  • Give them an opportunity to talk.
  • Try not to overwhelm them by giving too much advice.
  • Do not downplay their symptoms. It takes a lot for someone to trust you enough with that kind of information about themselves.
  • Give them space to process their feelings if they ask for it.
  • Encourage them to continue with their treatment as well as therapies if they have been prescribed them.

Help is available for all types of mental health problems, so no one should go through it alone. Mental health services are free on the NHS  (UK).

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/social-care-and-your-rights/how-to-access-mental-health-services

Photo cred: pexels-mwabonje-1820919.jpg

Image by Robert Ruggiero from Pixabay

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There Should Be No Shame in Taking Antidepressants

We have all experienced feeling unwell at some point in our lives. When one has a headache, they reach for an aspirin or paracetamol, grab a Gaviscon tablet for acid reflux and carry their insulin to manage their blood sugar when they need to.

We don’t think twice about reaching for paracetamol when we have a headache.

Anyone diagnosed with a long-term illness has to rely on regular medications for relief as prescribed by their doctors and are grateful for the reprieve that the medication brings to them.

In the UK, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year and 1 in 6 people report undergoing a common mental health problem such as anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder in any given week but antidepressants are not spoken of as liberally as other medications.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health to begin with, so it becomes a sensitive topic when someone has to start taking antidepressants for a mental illness or to let family and friends know about their diagnosis.

 

Here are some of the reasons why people who are struggling with mental health problems may not want to take antidepressants:

  • The fear of side effects deters people from taking antidepressants. There is a lot of negative talk regarding the potential side effects of antidepressants and some people believe that the medication will make them worse 

 

  • The cost of the medication may prevent a person suffering with mental health problems from obtaining repeat prescriptions for their antidepressants 

 

  • The fear of being labelled a pill popper, lazy, and mad by their peers and families 

 

  • Some people are not good at taking medication, they forget or miss doses, and some expect faster results so may stop taking the antidepressants before they kick in and then say that the medication is not working 

 

  • There is always a worry that one may become too dependent on antidepressants and not be able to function without them or that their problems could be accelerated because of taking the medication, so some people avoid taking their antidepressants.

 

We are surrounded by different types of people. Some are kind and sympathetic to those struggling and some can’t hide their annoyance when someone is open about their mental illness.

That causes a lot of people who have mental health problems to hide their illness and end up not taking their medication but there should be no shame in anyone taking their prescribed medication.

It is also important for people that are struggling with mental health illnesses to take their medications directly as prescribed by their doctor and not combine it with any other medication or substances in order to treat their symptoms correctly and to help them manage or overcome their problems.

When antidepressants are not used properly, they can result in unpleasant side effects, longer recovery, worsened health, substance abuse disorders, or even loss of life.

Here are some useful tips for taking your antidepressants:

  • Always try to keep an up to date list of your medications so that doctors do not prescribe antidepressants that counteract with your other medications

 

  • Make sure to check whether your antidepressants can be taken on an empty stomach, with food, or after food

 

  • Create a routine so that you don’t forget to take your antidepressants and take them at the same time daily to avoid overlapping your doses

 

  • Use a clear pill organiser with labels for the times and days of the week to help you keep track of your daily medication doses

 

  • Do not share your antidepressants with other people and do not double up on a dosage if for any reason you have missed your medication

 

  • Do not take other people’s medication and reduce your intake of alcohol and other stimulants while on antidepressants

 

  • Travel with extra medication when visiting family and friends in case you stay for longer than you had planned

 

  • Pack all your prescribed medications in your carry-on case if you are flying for safety in the event that your luggage gets lost and to protect them from damage

 

  • Do not go off your antidepressants cold turkey as that has more detrimental effects to your physical and mental health. Follow the directions of your doctor when you need to increase, reduce or stop taking the medication 

 

As with all medications, there is no one size fits all approach to treating symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health illnesses. All antidepressants carry a suicide warning and can cause different reactions to the people taking them. At least 50 percent of people who take antidepressants report excessive weight loss, weight gain, loss of libido but the benefits and the improved quality of life that the antidepressants can provide, outweighs its risks.

 

Some people may also choose to treat their depression and anxiety symptoms using holistic treatments such as exercise, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, hypnosis, and natural supplements such as Multi-Vitamins with B6 and minerals, Omega-3 fatty acids, probiotics, and Vitamin D-3.

Some people opt for holistic practices such as exercise and vitamins.

There are many different views on how antidepressants work, however they are considered to be an important part of treating depression as they relieve the symptoms, help with emotional balance, and reduce the chances that they may come back.

 

People have referred to antidepressants as happy pills, but they do not make you happy. They do not instantly make you cheerful, but when you are prescribed with a combination that works for you, they allow you to perform better and engage in the things that will bring you happiness.

 

It is not recommended to stop taking any antidepressants abruptly as it can cause withdrawals such as severe depression, digestion problems, and sleeping problems. Only start weaning off your medications under the supervision of your doctor.

 

 

 

 

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Lockdown and Losing a Loved One

About 6 months ago I wrote an upbeat post at the beginning of the lockdown. I thought it would be an easy few weeks, working from home, shopping online, and not having to rush anywhere. A lot of us thought that it would pass quickly.

As I settled into lockdown and watched the infection and morbidity rates going up daily, panic started setting in. There was a national fear of food shortages and people were clearing out the shelves in the shops until they started rationing how many products each person could buy.

Our hospital, doctors, and dentist appointments were postponed or getting canceled to keep the facilities available for people who have been affected by Covid19.

Events were cancelled, churches and schools closed, so most parents had to home school their children, work meetings, and church were done via Zoom videos. We started coming to terms with our new normal, masks when out in public, no eating out, not seeing friends and family that didn’t live with us.

Our new normal                                                                [Image by Queven from Pixabay]
What I wasn’t prepared for during that time was my partner having a cardiac arrest and having to administer CPR to him to try and save his life.

Everything happened so quickly, I don’t even know how long I was doing CPR for, from the time I called 999 to when the paramedics came in and it was terrifying to see them come in wearing full hazmat suits because of the risk of Covid19.

I was allowed to go with him to the hospital, and the nurses gave me an apron, gloves, a mask to put on. It was so hot and claustrophobic under all the protective wear but all the safety precautions needed to be done.

My partner remained unresponsive, and he made a terrible gurgling sound which I have now learned is called the ‘death rattle’, it was such a hard noise to listen to as I was informed that these were his last hours and while it was uncomfortable for me to watch, he was unconscious and not in pain, even though it looked like he was.

Masks while essential, make it difficult to convey a message or show sympathy [Image by Cico Zeljko from Pixabay]
I had the doctors come and talk to me and it felt so impersonal, having a conversation about someone’s end of life when all I could see were their eyes. The masks, while essential, take away the emotion and compassion that one may be trying to convey.

I was crippled with fear and  I kept hoping he would pull through. I never thought that in my lifetime I would have to stand by and watch a loved one slip away. I prayed for a miracle even though I knew the chances of him having a full recovery were slim.

I was sent home and told to expect the worst within about 48 hours, most of which I spent on autopilot. My family is scattered all over the world and they tried their best to support via text, phone, and Whatsapp but I was too distressed to speak.

As I was leaving home for the hospital the next day, I got the call to say that he had passed away. I can’t even begin to describe what I felt at that moment, it was a lot!

It didn’t help that we were still on lockdown and I couldn’t even have a relative come over to help out due to being in isolation as I had spent time with my partner at the hospital.

Once people got the news, the phone calls started coming in. Some were from well-meaning people passing their condolences but some, I felt,  got rather intrusive and asking personal questions – like,  ‘was it COVID19?’, ‘did he have a will?’, ‘was the house in both your names?’ and ‘did he have life insurance?’.

I realised that I was trying too hard to talk to everyone that reached out to me and I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all the attention I was getting. When I mentioned that to a friend she said “you don’t need to answer all the phone calls or respond to the text messages straight away. People will understand that you’re having a tough time.” That brought a bit of relief to me.

I wanted to talk to everyone that called me

It has been 17 weeks since he passed away and I have been on an emotional roller coaster since then. I lost all my coping mechanisms, lost my zest for life and while I had been making progress and weaning off antidepressants, I now needed to have them increased.

While I had been on a good routine of eating well and exercising pre-lockdown, I started to comfort eat to numb my feelings of loneliness, grief, fear, sadness, and lack of sleep.

I used to have someone to encourage me, laugh with, eat with, and make plans with so it’s daunting to think of life on my own. Now I’m thinking of Christmas and the lockdown restrictions we are facing again and knowing that I can’t even visit my family in South Africa makes me sadder.

I am taking one day at a time and learning that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that its okay to cry, and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loved one. There are no set timelines on grief but I know that it gets better with time even though some days I wake up and the memory is as fresh as though it has just happened.

 

 

 

 

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“Black African people do not get depressed!”

 

‘Black African people do not get depressed!’

This is a statement I hear time and time again when talking about mental health with members of ethnic African communities who believe that mental illness is a ‘white’ thing.

According to the World Health Organisation, 300 million people in the world suffer from depression.

Depression affects people of all ages, from all walks of life. It doesn’t matter what your background is, how old you are or what colour you are.

Unfortunately people from certain cultures are primed from an early age to suppress their feelings, hide how they feel and conceal their illnesses.

Why do black people have to be so strong about everything? We are constantly being reminded that ‘you are a strong black woman or you are a strong black man, you cannot be so weak to admit you are struggling with any mental illness’.  It is just not acceptable to do so as it is an embarrassment to your family members.

We are supposed to pray away our illnesses and have the faith  in God to overcome all obstacles that come our way. We have to pray against generation curses and spiritual enemies that come to us in the form of mental illness.

Scriptures are often quoted that make someone that is suffering from an illness feel like guilty for not knowing those bible verses and for not believing in the healing power of God.

I accept that prayer, meditation, mindfulness and all alternative therapies are good for ones well-being but they can’t be used as a substitute for treatment of illnesses which can potentially be life threatening.

Depression is an illness that seems to be only acceptable to people that are well off financially in certain places. Poorer people are not expected to say that they suffer from depression, they have too many other problems to worry about instead of wallowing in self pity.

There is so much stigma surrounding depression that stops  black people from seeking proper medical treatment for mental health problems.

We are told we can make it through anything, our people survived slavery after all.

Some of the comments that put people off seeking treatment or talking about their health problems are these;

  • ‘You shouldn’t be so weak, tell your problems to God and not a stranger, why are you seeing a therapist?’
  • ‘Don’t take medication, it will make you crazy. People who take medication get worse anyway.’
  • ‘What if you get sectioned? You could lose your children.’
  • ‘Cheer up, there are people going through worse; think about the children that are starving in poorer parts of the world.’
  • ‘You worry too much, you should learn to relax. What are you thinking of anyway?’
  • ‘That is life, get over it!’

The people that choose to seek help and take medication or have therapy, do so in private without their family members knowing about it because It is never received well.

When people are struggling they do not need to be reminded of how strong they are or should be,  it deters them from seeking the help that could benefit their health.

The rates of unexplained suicides has risen and in most cases a person will have been struggling with mental health issues but not talking about it because of fear of judgement and being seen as weak.

We need to be more understanding and supportive of each other and if people close to us show signs of depression or any mental health problems we need to be able to talk to them about it, not fob them off and tell them to snap out of it or tell them to be strong.

The new parent struggling to cope with their new born may not be lazy or unloving to their baby but they could be suffering from post-natal depression. Post-natal depression does not only affect first time mothers, it can affect them after the birth of a second or third child even though it didn’t happen with previous children and  it can affect the fathers too. No new parent should feel embarrassed or ashamed to concede that they are struggling, and having postpartum depression does not make anyone a terrible parent.

One of the main reasons that people do not seek treatment for depression  apart from the social stigma and discrimination is the high cost of medical treatment. When people can’t afford to pay for treatment for other common ailments, they do not feel that they should be complaining of ‘sadness’ and going to seek medical help for it.

Suppressing emotions is seen as  a sign of strength but it is not. Identifying that you have a diagnosable illness and seeking help is being strong but we still have a long way to go in talking about mental health and understanding that there is treatment for illnesses.

Depression does not care if you are black or white, rich or poor, it doesn’t care about your gender, religious views, your weight or age. It can affect anyone and at anytime of their lives. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the earlier that treatment begins, the more successful it can be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Indoda Ayikhali – Men Dont Cry

‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)

Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.

Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.

Men are expected hide their weaknesses.

Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.

Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.

Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.

Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.

Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.

This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.

There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.

Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.

Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.

What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!

Why do you want to adopt western values?

That is a rich man’s illness.

That is a white man’s illness.

Seriously, what has race got to do with it?

Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.

There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.

Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.

It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression

  • Changes in mood
  • Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
  • Drug abuse
  • Avoiding being with other people
  • Loss of libido
  • Constant complaints of fatigue
  • Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
  • Irritability
  • Sleeping too much or too little

Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:

  • Financial problems
  • Death of a loved one
  • Break ups
  • Relationship problems
  • Stress at work
  • Health problems
  • Loss of work or earnings

When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.

There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.

Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.

 

 

 

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Learn to let go of the need for validation or the approval of others

As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.

It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.

It is good to be appraised for a job well done

Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.

If you find yourself

  • overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
  • constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
  • feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
  • continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
  • holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
  • feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
  • suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
  • trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
  • lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
  • conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.

For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.

This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.

We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.

You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like

Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation

  • Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
  • Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
  • Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
  • Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
  • Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
  • Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
  • Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.

It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.

 

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Depression is real – We just don’t talk about it enough

The Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams, who has previously spoken about her depression and feeling suicidal has checked into a mental health facility for treatment.

Singer Michelle Williams is seeking help for depression

It is not very easy for people of colour to talk about their feelings especially when struggling with depression. Their symptoms are usually attributed to weakness, laziness and attention seeking.

Most times, we only find out when someone has taken their own life that they have been suffering in silence. Michelle has shown immense strength in speaking out and and hopefully it will encourage other people to seek the help that they need.

The 37 year old singer confirmed on her social media pages;

There are people who will say Michelle Williams has had a great life, successful career and recently got engaged to her fiancee; what has she got to be depressed about?

But, depression is not about how much or how little you have. It is a neurological disease associated with the dysfunction of specific brain regions and not simply a consequence of a bad lifestyle and psychological weakness.

Depression brings feelings of sadness and a loss of interest in activities that one once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.

Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

  • Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
  • Changes in appetite and weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
  • Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
  • Loss of energy or increased fatigue
  • Feeling worthless or guilty
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

The stigma surrounding mental health can worsen someone’€s problems and impede their recovery. It affects their employability and social inclusion in mainstream society.

People are encouraged to talk about how they feel, but the greatest difficulty is finding who to talk to and who to trust.

Today social media is abuzz with all the support for Michelle Williams, she has done the right thing in taking time to focus on her recovery as she has been struggling for a while but; she didn’t stop encouraging others’ to take care of their mental health.

Let us continue to talk about it and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your  GP or call NHS  on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

 

Sources: Harvard Health; Mentalhealth.org; Mind.org.uk

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What does depression look like?

 

When asked this question,  the first image that comes to mind is a worn out looking man or woman with tired, dark circled eyes that sits alone in a corner somewhere and shies away from everyone.

Another is of a teenage boy or girl that likes to dress in dark colours and has piercings and some tattoos.

 

But does depression really have a look?

Can we define depression by a person’s physical appearance?

When we have conversations about depression and emotional wellness a lot of people from African origins and other ethnic minorities do not want to open up about mental conditions as they consider depression to be an illness that affects only white people and are afraid of being judged, but the truth is, depression does not have a specific look.

You could ride in a bus, be in a queue at the bank or working in an office and not know if the person next to you suffers from depression because you can not tell just by looking at someone. You could be the one suffering from depression and no one may know just by looking at you.

Depression doesn’t necessarily change a persons’ appearance but the person suffering from the condition experiences a change in emotions, therefore you cannot always point them out as not all emotions have an expression and some people are good at hiding their emotions.

Even when someone expresses a certain emotion, it may not be related to depression at all,  hence it is very difficult to tell if someone suffers from it or not unless it is diagnosed by a professional.

Depression is a very serious condition that can go on for years because the mood changes may come and go. It makes it difficult for one to live their life as normal as possible and carry out their daily tasks.

A one-off feeling of sadness or being down cannot be defined as depression, however, the term ‘I am so depressed’ is commonly loosely used when someone has had a challenging time or a stressful day or they didn’t get or achieve what they needed to.

Although many people with depression feel sadness, it feels much more severe than emotions that come and go in response to life events. We also cannot just conclude that someone is depressed if they seem unhappy about something.

It is a common misconception that being depressed is a choice, a luxury illness for attention seekers and sufferers are constantly being told to have a positive attitude.

Friends and loved ones often get frustrated or don’t understand why a person can’t “snap out of it.” They may even say that the person has nothing to be depressed about, they have a good job, nice family and so on.

https://pixabay.com/en/users/trevoykellyphotography-7814005/

Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people, in fact, it is a major risk factor for suicide.

Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and are cured.  Just like any other chronic illness, some people respond well to treatment or therapy or both and some people take longer to respond or to seek treatment.

Depression knows no race, gender, age, political affiliation, marital status, financial status or religious views. Some people will be functioning well in their day to day lives and excelling in their jobs or school but still suffer from depression silently.

If you start to feel like harming yourself or that your life is not worth living, please try to get help straight away.

You can make an appointment to see your  GP or call NHS  on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

 

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Dear Family

photo:pexels

My first thought was to say I am sorry for disgracing you by addressing my depression publicly, but after giving it some thought, I feel I owe you no apologies.

I am not sorry for realising that something was going on in my life and I could not get out a depressive mode.

I am not sorry that I accepted my diagnosis and got the help that I needed. No, I am not crazy, in fact I can focus a lot more clearly now that I understand what is happening.

I am tired of being sorry that I can not please you and I can finally take the time that I need to look after my self.

I am tired of picking up your pieces and being asked to be the mediator in your fights only to be blamed for things later.

I am tired of being the person you guilt trip into babysitting, running your errands and lending you money that never gets repaid.

I am tired of being afraid to say I just need time out today or have a lie in for fear of being called lazy.

I am tired of being validated by what I do for you. It will never be enough, the more I do the more the demands get.

I am fed up of your constant opinions that hinder me from using my ideas and moving on with my life. Why do you feel the need to bring me down all the time?

I am learning to be brave enough to say no when I can not do something for you whether it pleases you or not.

I am learning to rest when my body needs it and do things on my terms.

I am learning to embark on projects that I want and let you know  about them later, I do not need permission to do what I want but you have made me feel like that for as long as I can remember.

I am learning that though I may be far from perfect, I can strive be the best person that i can be.

I am learning that you and I can have a relationship without me being, your fixer, your cashpoint, your  driver, your maid and your punchbag.

Finally I feel a release, a strong sense of freedom that I can focus on myself for a change, put myself first for a change.

That is not to say that I will not help when you are in need but I need to be comfortable and want to help and not feel under pressure to do something for you because you need me to.

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Depression – Breaking the Stigma

 

Depression does not discriminate against race, gender, religious beliefs, financial status, age, and gender. As a black African woman that has experienced depression both personally and professionally, it has not been an easy topic to talk about with family, friends and acquaintances.

There are a lot of myths about depression and anxiety that cause a lot of confusion which can keep people from reaching out for help. Most people are afraid to ask for help among their peers, as they would be considered to be lazy or crazy.

Many people see mental illness as a weakness or personal failure and the following statements are usually made;

“Depression does not affect black people, its something the white privileged suffer from.”

“You need to get over it, find a hobby, take a walk.”

“Oh, stop being so sensitive!”

“Don’t take the medication, it will only make you worse.”

This makes people who are struggling with depression hold back on sharing how they feel.

Culturally we are taught to keep our feelings to ourselves. If you find yourself struggling at school, college or work, you cannot complain openly about things, as you feel conscious that you may be seen as being entitled, weak or merely just using it as an excuse for your laziness. Some depression is attributed to witchcraft or attention seeking and guilt.

We are conditioned from an early age to look out for others, help as much as we can, give as much as we can but it is not easy to say no, not today, I am tired, I need a break and just need to rest or have time to myself for fear of being seen as selfish.

We are constantly reminded that our lives are better than others who are living in impoverished countries. What have you got to be depressed about? You live in England; you have a job and a partner, think of people struggling back home or the ones in Ethiopia and Somalia who have no food or clean water.

The only time people cry openly is usually when there is a death of a loved one. Generally, crying is seen as a weakness and people tend to suffer in silence. We are supposed to be able to make it through anything. Our ancestors made it through slavery, we can make it through all the hard times, we have to keep going, and we have to be strong.

But what happens then when you have been too strong for too long? When you are tired of carrying other people’s problems and need time out? When you feel overwhelmed and need to find refuge in someone or somewhere?

While spiritual support is an important part of healing, the care of a qualified mental health professional is very important as with any other medical condition. Treatment should be sought earlier for it to be more effective.

We cannot simply ‘pray away’ depression or any form of mental illness. Why is it set apart from illnesses, such as cancer, diabetes and high blood pressure where one can get medication to help with their symptoms and be open about it?

The stigma surrounding antidepressants causes some people to accept their diagnosis but not share and not take their medication. They will be feeling worse each day, picking up their prescription every month after telling their doctor that they are no better and just stacking the medication in the drawer.

There is very little sympathy in some communities in relation to depression as people do not know how to handle it or what to say to someone suffering from depression. It is important that we come together to address mental illnesses and break the stigma attached to it because it can affect anyone.

If you start to feel like your life isn’t worth living or you want to harm yourself, get help straight away.

Either see your GP or call NHS 111. You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.