As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.
It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.
Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.
If you find yourself
- overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
- constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
- feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
- continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
- holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
- feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
- suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
- trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
- lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
- conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.
For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.
This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.
We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.
Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation
- Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
- Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
- Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
- Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
- Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
- Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
- Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.
It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.
