Self Care | Beyond The Shade

January 1, 2022

You Can Always Start Again

It’s the first day of 2022, Happy New Year everybody!

2021 was not a good year for me, physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. After losing more close family during the year, my grief was so intense, I lost interest in the things that I loved and that kept me going.

I don’t remember the number of times that I sat down to write but couldn’t put the words together, or went shopping with the intention of cooking but ended up with a fridge full of food that is nearing or past its best before date, but end up opting for a takeaway instead.

I have spent so many months trying to fix things, overthinking a lot of stuff, and kicking myself for the things that I feel I could have done better, which didn’t do much to help with my mental health.

As always, I have a tendency of being really hard on myself, and as we were approaching the year, I spent some time in quiet reflection and decided that I was not going to be listing out any unrealistic new year’s resolutions but that I would start by being kind to myself and not commit myself to timelines which make me anxious when left incomplete.

Set realistic resolutions, don’t overwhelm yourself.

From time to time, I enjoy reading quotes and get a lot of inspiration from the ones that seem to relate to me depending on how I am feeling at the moment so when I saw this one “No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” – Buddha

For me, the past does not date back to years, it can be a week or a couple of days but it can set me back for months on end. My hope is to try to conquer each day that I wake and focus on the small victories which would be in the way of:

prioritising a shower, and tidying up personal space before undertaking any daily tasks.
folding the laundry and putting it away instead of leaving it in the basket until it creases.
checking and responding to emails, and emptying the junk mail so that I won’t have 10 000 of them to clear.
making sure that bills are paid before they start piling up.
reading something and writing even a few lines so that I won’t get out of sync
have small manageable to-do lists of tasks for each day
learn to identify and avoid my triggers to depression and seek support.
celebrating small wins, which includes being kind to myself if I don’t manage to tick all the boxes, knowing that I have a chance to start over the next day.

With the emerging coronavirus variants, it is still very important that we continue wearing our masks, avoiding crowds, maintaining social distancing, and isolating when we are feeling under the weather, have symptoms, or have tested positive.

Stay safe and have a fruitful, healthy 2022, and remember that no matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.

May 12, 2021

Dear Mums, You Don’t Have To be Perfect

I came across this quote and it made me think about the sacrifices parents make for their children, especially mothers.

“Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” [Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm]

Every so often we do too much, take on more than we can or need to until we get to a point that we can no longer manage, and our mental and physical health starts to suffer.

When we take on too many projects than we can handle, we are left feeling anxious to meet the deadlines, burnt out from doing too much, and depressed that we couldn’t finish the tasks on time or didn’t manage to complete them at all.

Taking on too many assignments leaves you overwhelmed

We need to know that it’s okay to take a break from the pressures of life, say no to invitations to the events that we don’t want to attend, and be selective about the activities we put ourselves up for.

Most of my friends are mothers who need to run their households, looking after kids, doing school runs, keeping social and health appointments, sports activities and some also work full time.

It’s hard work keeping up with social and medical appointments

By the time the stay-at-home mums drop the kids off at school, go back home and do the cleaning, pick up the shopping, it’s almost time to pick up the children from school again and make dinner.

The working parents have to manage their schedules to fit in with school dropoffs, picking up from babysitters or after-school clubs, go home and make dinner get the kids ready for bed, and do it all over again the next day.

Working mothers have to juggle work and childcare

Working overtime with no breaks and no time out to recharge for yourself is not good, but most mums feel that if they stop then it means that they are not good parents. It’s not the amount of time we spend with the kids that matters, it’s the amount of quality time we spend with them.

Sometimes even the partners are not aware of how much the mothers do on a daily basis. It is okay to ask for help, perhaps with cleaning once in a while or having a sitter come in and look after the kids for a few hours while you go to the gym, a walk, coffee with friends, or just to take a nap and have a rest.

Here are a few tips to help you slow down

Enjoy the little time you have alone – don’t spend your time alone at home after dropping off kids at school feeling anxious about how they are getting on. The teachers are trained to look after the children during that time, instead, read a book or write a journal.

Make some time to unwind – if you have a few minutes to yourself, even 5 to 10 mins, you can close your eyes and use this time to practice mindfulness, meditate, take deep breaths and clear your thoughts.

Take Walks – you can do this with your dog if you have one or with the children at a safe place where children can safely run around and get some fresh air. It is good for you and the children’s mental health and also helps them to sleep better at night.

Take a Power Nap – A power nap can help you recharge. You don’t have to sleep for hours – just 30 minutes to an hour can help you feel rested and you can continue with your tasks.

Treat yourself to a relaxing bath – when you’re on a tight schedule it’s always quick showers and out of a house, so having a long warm bath feels like a treat. When the kids have settled in for the night, light some nice smelling candles, put some soothing bath salts and soak in a bubble bath. You will feel refreshed.

Watch what you eat – When you’re busy with the children and activities it is easy to eat on the hoof. Most mums will grab a chocolate bar and a coffee to go, on the way to pick up the kids from school and nibble on what the children are having for dinner and not make time for their own nutrition. That is also detrimental to overall wellbeing so it is very important to make time to prepare, sit and eat healthy meals.

To all the mothers out there, please do not find excuses that will keep you from taking a break. You do not have to be perfect, we become better parents when we are rested and happy, not when we are depressed and overwhelmed by our schedules and children. You do need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, you deserve the break.

March 15, 2021

8 Tips To Boost Your Mental Well-being

Your present way of life may not be helpful in keeping up your mental wellness. Generally, people are always rushing about, stressing about work and children and don’t leave much time for relaxation. Being active and doing things that boost psychological wellness can be an amazing method to advance the nature of your everyday life.

Apply these tips consistently:

Stay in touch with others.

Having solid and positive interactions with others has a significant impact on mental wellbeing. You will be less lonely when you communicate with other people.

Of late, it has been difficult to meet up with friends and families due to the lockdowns brought about by the Covid 19 pandemic, but you can make use of video calls phone calls.

Keep fit

The more unfit we are, the more our mental health suffers so it’s important to maintain our physical health so that our mental health improves.

With local gyms and recreational centres closed during the lockdown, coming out for a walk each day or every other day and getting some fresh air could be beneficial for mental health.

Consistently challenge yourself.

Try something new like cooking a dish you have never made, bake a cake, or simply declutter that drawer with plastic bags and takeaway menus that you have been meaning to throw out for several months. Set small goals and try to stick with them

Figure out how to manage pressure successfully.

Sometimes we do things that we think make us feel better but in essence, they make our situation worse. For instance, if you are a comfort eater, ordering a takeaway or digging into a tub of ice cream will leave you feeling worse off in the long term financially, and also when you gain weight you will not feel good about yourself.

Instead, it would help to try exercises like yoga and Pilates, meditate, chat to a mate or read.

Make time to help those in need

When you help other people and they are happy, you also feel good. It is also a way to keep in touch with other people.

You can volunteer to pick up groceries and prescriptions for vulnerable people and senior citizens during this lockdown.

Practice methods to calm your mind and get a good nights sleep

Because our minds are continually anxious; thinking, anticipating, and recollecting even when we don’t think that they are, we need to figure out how to control them.

Reflection, meditation, prayer, and mindfulness can help with figuring out how to calm down your brain. It might take a couple of attempts in light of the fact that our brains continue to stray and don’t have any desire to be calm but with daily practice, it can be achieved.

Normalise asking for help

When you bruise your shin, you reach for plaster, when you break your arm you go to the hospital and when you are feeling physically sick it’s easy to ask for help but when one struggles with their mental health it’s not so easy to reach out for help.

Asking for help is hard and might take a lot out of you but it is not a weakness. You can speak to a trusted family member, church member, teacher or call NHS 111 and Samaritans 116 123.

Keep a diary.

Keeping a diary is a good way to not only record your feelings and thoughts but can improve your ability to think critically. You could record events of your day, plan ahead for future events and journal your feelings.

When you have a diary and keep a to-do list, it helps alleviate procrastination and you can tick off the tasks as you go along and not forget what you wanted to do on a particular day.

It is also a good way to record your feelings, on good days you can write about how you feel and what made you feel good and on bad days write about what upset you or made your day not as expected.

Mental and physical health is essential to everyone’s well-being. When we are unwell for long periods of time it starts to affect our ability to be good parents, partners, friends, or employees. These tips are good guidelines on how we can manage our day-to-day lives but when you consistently feel low it is best to see your GP or contact some mental health helplines for more information on where to get help.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

November 20, 2019November 20, 2019

Change is good, but not all the time

It has been a few weeks since I sat down to write and publish an article.

Countless times I have picked up my laptop and started writing but I cant seem to be happy with my work and have just sent the documents to drafts, however today I woke up early and decided to go to the gym.

When I was packing my bag, I had this brilliant idea to pack my laptop and do some of my work in the business centre at the gym as I had a free day and thought maybe I would get inspired to write again.

Well, at 6.45am I was sweating in the body pump class but it felt good to be out of bed and getting out of my comfort zone.

I showered, got myself a grande latte and set myself up in the business centre and worked until about midday then I ordered brunch, which was really a late breakfast.

After paying £11 pounds for the club breakfast, the fitness centres glorified version of a full English breakfast. I was disappointed at the food, which had a soggy portobello mushroom and a bland grilled tomato… yuck!

The poached eggs were okay though and I chugged another latte; more caffeine!

Heres to another night where I toss and turn wondering why I cant relax.

As much as I enjoy coffees, I have learnt that for me, they are a stimulant and not good for me so I am struggling between a dependency on caffeine and trying to control my emotional health.

I resumed my project and was finished around 3 o’clock when I took a break then I couldn’t help but notice that there was music playing in the business centre and it was really annoying.

Now, I am still here and I cant even say anything because I am not even sure if the music was playing earlier when I came in and I didn’t hear it, but its so cheesy and irritating.

Seriously, I don’t think it was this bad or this loud in the morning or even there at all; but it’s such a distraction, considering I was hoping that my change of environment would help me to focus.

The main reason I am still here is that I know that if I go home without sending this to publish it will get lost in drafts again.

So to everyone that reads my blog, this is my rant for the day.

I am packing up and going to get stuck in rush hour traffic but at least I can get to listen to what I like on the way home or not listen to anything at all.

Photo credit: Christina Morillo – Pexels

September 12, 2019

How to get a good night’s sleep

Getting enough sleep is vital for our physical and mental health.

The average healthy adult should sleep for at least 7 and a half to 8 hours a day, but a lot of us have either very little or too much sleep.

A good night’s sleep is important for everyone and if deprived, it can lead to someone feeling more than just tired.

Lack of sleep slows down cognitive function leading to learning disabilities in children, memory impairment in people of all ages, personality changes and depression.

It can negatively affect one’s life by contributing to the development of ailments such as obesity, diabetes and heart disease.

When people are deprived of sleep, they experience difficulty in making decisions, easily get irritable, have slower reaction times and perform tasks poorly.

Here are some tips that may be helpful for a good night’s sleep

Choose a relaxing bedtime routine and keep it regular. You can wind down each night by having a warm bath, reading, listening to soft music or meditating. Try to wake up at the same time each morning including on days off.
Establish the best sleeping environment by ensuring that your bedroom is comfortable, dark, cool or warm to your liking. If your room is too light, you may consider using blackout curtains or a sleep mask.
Avoid using bright screens before bed, the body reacts to unexpected doses of blue and white light which can cause insomnia.
Don’t go to bed with a negative mindset. If you go to bed worrying about events or stressing that you won’t be able to go through the next day without sleep, you won’t be able to relax into a restful sleep.
Use your bed for sleep and intimacy. It’s easy to watch television or use the computer in your bedroom to finish up some work but try to avoid doing that as your sleep environment will become your work environment and you wont rest.
Plan your next day before you settle down for bed. Try writing a to-do list for the next morning so that you won’t be playing your duties over in your head when you go to sleep.
Limit nap times. If you are very tired and a nap can’t be avoided, try to limit them to no longer than 30 minutes and not too late in the afternoon.
Exercise regularly but not too vigorously close to your bedtime.
Avoid Stimulants. Tea, coffee and chocolate are all stimulants that can affect your sleep and should be avoided at least 4 hours before bedtime. Heavy meals should not be eaten before bedtime as well.
Switch off your mobile or silence it so that you do not get disturbed while you are asleep.

The most important thing is finding what works for you and sticking with it so that you may have a healthy sleeping pattern, that may be beneficial to your physical and mental wellbeing.

May 14, 2019May 14, 2019

Be Body Kind – Mental Health Awareness Week 13-19 May 2019

This week is Mental Health Awareness week and the theme is body image. Body image issues can affect anyone and at any stage in life and social media has played a big part in causing a lot of people to worry about their body image.

Our body image is what we reflect and how we feel when we look in the mirror or when we picture ourselves in our minds.

Body image issues can be about appearance and what you think about your body, such as your weight, height, colour. It can be how you feel within your own skin and it may be positive or negative.

Today, I am choosing to use my own experience in this topic as someone that has struggled with my own body image.

The picture above is of me and my son, four years apart.

In those 4 years, life has happened; mental health problems, losses and gains for both of us, as well as embarking on the long road to recovery.

Of-course I don’t do myself any favours by sharing pictures with those that I care about and think feel the same.

These pictures were compared in this way, with the caption ‘what happened to you’.

The first one was at my sons 18^th and we were happy.

The second one he was 22, on his graduation and and we were happy.

I said I didn’t understand, and they said; ‘well you have clearly put on a lot of weight from the last picture. What have you been doing to yourself? Surely you can work hard at looking like that again if you made the effort’.

Then it clicked; our milestones didn’t matter to them, it was the way I looked that they were interested in. And then it really started to bother me.

The extra pounds that I have gained over the years started to feel like hundreds, I started to ask myself if I could look better. But better than who? Better than what?

I had allowed someone to judge me by a picture, to justify myself to someone why I didn’t look the way they expected me to and it really did affect me, to the point that my self-confidence started to wane.

It took me a long time to recover from that, but I had to remind myself how far I had come in my recovery to allow that to affect me for too long.

When we continuously worry about how we look it can impact our self-esteem and confidence, and the media has a strong influence on what we think the standard body should look like.

Looking at ‘perfect’ pictures of others and then comparing them to ourselves only leads us to feel worse about ourselves and it is a practice that we need to stop.

When people are constantly plagued with negative thoughts and feelings about their bodies their likelihood to develop certain mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, depression and anxiety is high.

A negative body image may also lead to low self-esteem, which can affect many areas of your life and you may start to obsess constantly about what you eat, how much you exercise or even avoid certain people; but there are steps that you can take to develop a healthier body image.

The more you practice thinking positive thoughts about yourself and the fewer negative thoughts you have about your body, the better you will feel about who you are and how you look.

Working on accepting how you look is healthier than constantly working to change how you look. Always be kind to yourself and accept that a healthy body image is good for a healthy mind.

April 11, 2019

But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

January 11, 2019

Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.

December 15, 2018December 15, 2018

Are You Pouring From An Empty Cup?

A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.

I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.

When I woke up, I started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to at least try.

I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.

After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.

I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.

It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.

I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.

I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.

So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.

It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.

You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.

You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.

Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.

Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.

You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists

Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.

Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.

December 4, 2018

Mental Health – How to identity and avoid triggers

When most people are recovering from mental illness their condition becomes more manageable. It is however important to understand that recovery is an ongoing process and that it is normal to have difficulties and setbacks along the way.

When you have achieved some stability and understand your illness and how to manage it, you have to identify what you need to do in order to stay well.

There are things in our lives that can accelerate mental health problems or impede on recovery.

Below are some examples:

Alcohol

It is important to limit or avoid alcohol because mental health problems not only result from drinking too much alcohol, they can also cause people to drink too much and make their problems worse. Some people tend to self-medicate with alcohol so that they can sleep or numb their feelings, but then they may wake up feeling worse because alcohol is a depressant which causes moods to fluctuate.

Stress

Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions. Sometimes we set unrealistic deadlines at work or overcommit to our families and not leave enough time for ourselves, then we end up getting stressed. Financial worries can cause stress and some stress can be a cause of mental conditions, but some can make it worse. It is important to identify potential stressors in your life in order to help with your recovery.

Over the counter medication

Most people are not comfortable talking to doctors or taking prescribed medications, so they end up buying over the counter medication to help with their symptoms but that can be as dangerous as not treating it at all. When you see a medical professional, they always ask if you are taking other medication so that they do not prescribe to you something that will counteract with the other. So, when you take other medication that is not prescribed to you, you could make your symptoms worse or take something completely harmful to your health.

Negative thoughts

It is common for people with mental health problems to experience negative thoughts and feelings which include but are not limited to sadness, guilt, helplessness and worthlessness and find them hard to shake off which can have detrimental effects on how they function in everyday life.

Negative thoughts can be draining and have you in a constant state of fight or flight which can leave you extremely fatigued.

Isolation

The stigma surrounding mental health can cause somebody with mental health problems to isolate themselves. When someone feels unwanted or unloved, they stay away from people and at times they are just unmotivated to be in social situations.

When one has encountered negative or judgemental people it is natural to prefer to be alone. Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawal and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health as it can contribute to cardiovascular disease and insomnia which affects how the immune system functions.

Not taking care of yourself

Rest and recharge, the mind needs just as much rest as the body.

Some illnesses may require you to just take medication but mental illness like depression needs you to look after your physical well-being as well.

Self-care is paramount in recovery, one needs to learn and identify what is good and works for them.

Personal care and a clean environment goes a long way in assisting in recovery.

You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise and hydrate, as it has a direct impact on your physical and emotional well being.