Sounding Board | Beyond The Shade

February 7, 2019

“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I had to contribute to the family during bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

February 6, 2019

“I am fine, thank you.”

The stigma surrounding mental health and other illnesses stops people from sharing how they feel with the ones close to them.

I am one person that advocates for talking about mental health, but over time I have realised that some people who haven’t experienced any mental health problems are rarely sympathetic and feel like you should snap out of it and get on with other things to forget about what you are thinking about.

As soon as you mention depression, anxiety or ptsd, you are labelled as an attention seeker.

How then is one expected to open up about what they are going through when its not even taken seriously?

How do you answer a question like, ‘so when will you get better or will you be depressed all your life?’

The only time someone is taken seriously is when they have a public meltdown but not everyone that has mental health problems will breakdown in that kind of way. It can be experienced in many different ways, for instance;

Tiredness and loss of energy
Sadness that doesn’t go away for a long time
Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
Difficulty concentrating even on simple tasks
Not being able to find pleasure in things that you used to enjoy
Constantly feeling anxious

Not too long ago, I was sitting with someone and they asked me where I had been as they had not seen or heard from me for a while. As I spoke to them, they rolled their eyes, then they said you know, “you cant be taking every diagnosis that the doctor gives you seriously. Just listen and walk away. If I had listened to doctors, I would be having a list of ailments that I have to think of and hundreds of pills to take, but I rebuke them in Jesus’s name and I am well’.

She went on for a while about how she deals with her life and that she will never allow an illness to control her life and urged me to do the same.

I started wishing that I had just said ‘I am fine thanks, and you?’ and moved on, which is what a lot of people with mental health problems end up resorting to.

photo cred. -slideplayer — – Hello, how are you I am fine, thank you! And you

We still have a long way to go in educating people about mental health, especially in ethnic minority communities where culture, religion and social stigma play a big part in peoples lives.

It is not a weakness to accept your diagnosis and be treated for whatever illness you are suffering from, no matter how minor you think that it is.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!

November 13, 2018

Indoda Ayikhali – Men Dont Cry

‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)

Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.

Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.

Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.

Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.

Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.

Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.

Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.

This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.

There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.

Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.

Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.

What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!

Why do you want to adopt western values?

That is a rich man’s illness.

That is a white man’s illness.

Seriously, what has race got to do with it?

Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.

There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.

Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.

It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression

Changes in mood
Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
Drug abuse
Avoiding being with other people
Loss of libido
Constant complaints of fatigue
Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
Irritability
Sleeping too much or too little

Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:

Financial problems
Death of a loved one
Break ups
Relationship problems
Stress at work
Health problems
Loss of work or earnings

When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.

There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.

Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.

August 1, 2018

“I always thought you were a little bit crazy”

When I opened up about my struggles with anxiety and depression, I expected to receive mixed reactions but I wasn’t prepared for the lack of support from the people that I considered as friends

People suddenly became experts on the subject

These are the things I was told;

Don’t take any medication it will only make you worse.
Black people don’t suffer from depression, you are adopting western values.
That is just a sign of weakness, we all go through stuff.
Depression is for people with money, poor people haven’t got time for such illnesses.
Snap out of it, pull yourself together.
There are people having a harder time than you are in Africa, think of the starving people and the orphans.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself, go and exercise and you will feel better.
You don’t look like someone who is depressed.

If I am honest, none of those suggestions helped me. It showed me just how little people, especially in Black African communities understand depression hence the stigma surrounding it and people suffering in silence.

I had a conversation with someone last week and they asked why I have been so quiet of late.

I said I had been busy and I needed to take some time for my recovery and they said, “Oh! What’s eating you?”

This was the very first person that I told when I was at my worst and they tried to talk me out of taking medication, so it really disappointed me to explain myself again – but, I told them.

They then started asking me what my plans for the future were, what makes me happy, what do I want out of my life, what is the most important thing in my life etc.

I felt like I was being interviewed for a job and no matter what I said I was met with another question.

I don’t know how I managed to stay calm during that conversation but I realised we have a long way to go in raising awareness about mental health issues and caring for people affected by mental health.

I then had someone else make contact via text and they asked me if I had sorted out my “crap”. Really… crap? The last time I spoke to them I had just been diagnosed but they never bothered to pop in or offer any comfort but when they want to hang out they expect me to have sorted out my crap. How does my struggle with anxiety and depression equate to crap?

That text remains unanswered and I have decided that I will not be engaging in conversation with that person.

Now I understand why people do not disclose their mental illnesses. Too many stereotypes and stigma attached to it. What does depression really look like?

‘I always thought you were a bit crazy’ is another response that I get from some people that think that they are making light of the situation when in actual fact they aren’t.

“Do you think it’s wise to share and write on a public platform that you suffered from depression?”

The answer is yes..how else do we raise awareness of mental health if we don’t talk about it? People experience mental health in different ways, some personally and some are care givers for friends and family members.

Depression knows no age, no race, no gender, it doesn’t care how little or how much you have. It affects everyone.

According to mind.org, approximately 1 in 4 people in UK will experience a mental health problem each year and 1 in 6 people report experiencing common mental health problems like anxiety and depression every week.

Let’s be a bit understanding and accommodating to those that we see struggling, you cannot force anyone to get treatment but the first step is to show understanding so that they may open up.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!

May 31, 2018

Dear family and friends, “OMG.. you have gained so much weight!” is not a greeting

Over the last few months I have gained a significant amount of weight but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges of being a big girl in a vain world.

Its bad enough shopping for clothes or squeezing myself into control pants and almost fainting from the pressure while I drive, then to bump into someone that says, ‘Gosh you have gained so much weight!’.

How about hello, how are you?

I know I have gained weight; that cutting of my spanks reminds me of it every second that I am standing with you and dying to take it off.

Generally people are not kind to overweight people, they have been conditioned to resent people when they are overweight because there is a misconception that those people are irresponsible, they over eat and don’t look after themselves.

But weight gain is not only about eating, an imbalance in hormones can make it difficult for you to lose weight even if your are eating healthy.

Hormones control inflammation, metabolism and uptake of glucose in the body which plays a big part in weight gain. (these will be addressed in another post)

Women tend to suffer from more stress which impacts on their well being by releasing much higher levels of stress hormones. When women suffer from depression, instead of reducing sleep and the amounts they eat, they start to eat and sleep more, increasing their carbohydrate intake which results in significant weight gain.

The more weight they put on, the more guilty they become.

They become helpless, feel like failures and turn to food for comfort which leads to more weight gain.

There are so many challenges that come with being “the big girl” or boy.

A lot of overweight people pretend to be happy about their weight when they are in public, they can be the life and soul of the party but suffer when they are on their own.

People think you eat too much and even when you are hungry, you are mindful of being watched when you eat because people do comment “ahh all that food, no wonder why you put on weight”.

Where I come from, weight gain is linked to having a good life. It is assumed that you eat well and have spare cash to help other people so no one will understand you may be having health problems.

Some people are on medications that cause them to gain weight. Certain steroids and antidepressants cause weight gain. Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction comes with weight gain.

People tend to watch what they say when they come across someone that has lost a lot of weight than one that has gained weight. It is important to be mindful of what we say to each other, big, small, tall or short.

Not all illnesses are visible, be patient and kind always.

May 27, 2018

It is important to put yourself on top of your list

Many times when we are asked to write down the most important things in our lives, the top of our list is usually our children, families, and jobs but never ourselves.

That is because of the general misconception that putting yourself first is being selfish, as the old teaching goes – put others before yourself.

Putting yourself first is not disregarding other peoples needs, it is taking responsibility for yourself so that you can have the resources and energy to help others.

You can not prioritise someones comfort when you are not in a good place.

You can not cover someones expenses before you take care of your own.

You can not feed other people before you eat, well you can, but what good are you doing then if you can not take care of yourself but want to take care of others.

Actually when I read this back right now, part of me feels selfish for saying these things but I am done feeling guilty for learning that it is important to take care of my needs first.

Naturally, givers do not have anyone to help them out when they are in need.

Those very people that you go out of your way to help when they are down never have anything to offer during your time of need and more often than not, they do not say that because they don’t have the money or time but because they do not know how to give, only to receive.

When I first started flying, I used to wonder why during the safety demonstration before take off, we were encouraged to put on our oxygen masks first before we help the young and elderly.

It bothered me because I thought that if I was travelling with a child, I would probably break the rules and look after my child first but think about it, it only takes a few seconds to grab your own mask then you can help and do a lot more good instead of passing out before you even help anyone.

It is always good practice to give and share and look after other people but take the time to look after yourself first so that you may be able to help others without feeling under pressure or burning out from over stretching yourself.

Photos by pexels and pixaby

February 23, 2018February 23, 2018

How to spot and avoid toxic people

At some point in our lives we have come across or got involved with a toxic person or people. They are everywhere – in our families, work places, schools, churches and social clubs.

Dealing with a toxic person can be tiresome and very draining as they bring with them negative energy.

Sometimes when you meet someone, you may have a gut feeling that they are just not right for you but often it takes a while for someone’s negative attitude to rear its ugly head.

Here are some signs to look out for when dealing with a toxic person:

They are masters in manipulation, most times they like to orchestrate a relationship to serve their own needs.

They do not take responsibility for their actions, always quick to blame you for not being good enough or comparing you to other people. They do not apologise as they feel that it is always someone else’s fault.

They are very quick to criticise and pass judgement but they cannot take criticism.

If someone is doing better than they are, they want to look for negative reasons why that person may be doing well.

They are very good at playing the victim to gain sympathy and never make the time to listen when you are going through stuff, instead they will go on and on about something similar that happened to them instead of comforting you,

They will put you in a difficult position of choosing other activities or friends over them. They may suggest you watch a film or go out to eat but ultimately your choice doesn’t matter as they will talk down everything you suggest.

They are often kind when they want something from you and can be very difficult when they don’t accomplish that.

They are so quick to advise you to slow down or how you will embarrass yourself if you embark on a certain project yet they secretly wish they could do it themselves.

They have no conscience when it comes to sharing other peoples secrets, why do you think they will keep yours?

They will stop you in the middle of a sentence and say I have heard that already, just to make you feel small and stop you from expressing yourself.

They always look for friends who are beneath them to make themselves feel more adequate and successful.

Encounters with toxic people leave you emotionally drained and the time that you spend with them is about taking care of their business or doing what they want which will leave you unhappy in the long run.

Do not allow yourself to burn out trying to please someone that does not get satisfied and wants more and more out of you.

Toxic people will demand your undivided attention, invade your space, feel entitled to your personal information while being secretive of theirs.

It is not good for your emotional well being and eventually your health to be in that kind of situation and environment. Once you realise that it is going that way you may want to reduce contact with them, avoid them or maybe even cut ties.

It may be challenging to break free from certain people but do not hold on to toxic relationships, distance yourself emotionally and physically.

Removing people, especially family, from your life can be one of the most difficult things you can do but it can also be one of the most liberating and life-changing decisions you will ever make.

January 11, 2018

Don’t wait until I am gone to bring me flowers

pexels-photo-279104

In our everyday lives we take so many things for granted.

We storm off to work after an argument, ignore text messages from loved ones, hold grudges and don’t make up after disagreements because tomorrow is another day.

However, our tomorrows have no guarantees and when we lose a loved one without making peace with them it causes much more grief than saying I am sorry, I miss you or I love you to their face.

We then spend a long time after the loss of a loved one asking “what if ‘ and ‘if only I had taken that call, if only I had popped in to see him or if only I had been more patient with her’, but it will be too late to make amends.

Take time to celebrate your children, your parents, friends and spouses now and deal with the issues at hand while you can still have a dialogue and things can be worked out.

There are many instances where in death a lot of issues in a family have not been resolved then it is difficult to have an opinion or express yourself for fear of speaking ill of the dead especially in certain cultures.

It is important to live wisely, love kindly and care deeply for the people around us. Send the messages, make amends and show appreciation to people when they are still alive as they will not see the effort you will make when they are gone.

January 1, 2018

Happy New Year

pexels-photo-399610

As the clocks struck at midnight and we joined hands to sing Auld Lang Syne, I took a moment to reflect on my year.

2017 was a year of highs and lows for me but mainly lows. It was an eye opener which helped me to look at the world differently.

It was the year I learnt that I have to value my loved ones everyday and not leave apologies and making up until the next time.

It was the year that I lost my father shortly after he had just come back into our lives.

It was the year that my only son turned 21 and started to make real decisions about what he wanted to do with his life.

It was the year that I learnt who my real friends are and that I do not need that many people in my life.

It was the year that I learned the power of ‘No’, and that it was okay to put myself first for a change and not lose sleep over it.

It was my last year in my 30’s and I look forward to turning 40 in May.

I had spent the last few days of 2017 saying I cant wait for this year to end, but I woke up today feeling the same as everyday.

I know that I can not magic away the negative events that happened in 2017 but I can choose to leave some things behind and try to continue looking forward not backward.

I just want to thank all my friends and family that were with me through my trying times for all their support and patience.

May 2018 bring you all that you wish for and more.

Lots of love,

Zandi

November 30, 2017November 30, 2017

Inspiration Video

This is one of my favourite songs when I am having a bad day.
Beautiful vocals from Casting Crowns.
Enjoy …x

Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what you’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who you are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I’m calling
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling
And you’ve told me who I am
I am yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because of what you’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who you are

I am yours
I am yours

Whom shall I fear, whom shall I fear?
‘Cause I am yours
I am yours

Songwriters: John Mark Hall