For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.
Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.
I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.
I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.
I had to contribute to the family during bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.
As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.
But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.
It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.
I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.
But I couldn’t.
Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.
It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.
I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.
I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.
The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.
I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.
When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.
I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.
Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.
There are days when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.
There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.
I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.
I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.
I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.
I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.
We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.
We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.
Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.
