You Are Enough, Just As You Are.

Your self-worth comes from accepting that you are enough just the way you are and you do not need validation from anyone else to make you feel good about yourself.

Sometimes we look for love or approval from other people and it affects us greatly when we can not stand up for ourselves by setting goals to what other people see as important.

No one is perfect, some may pretend to be, but you may not know the battles that they are facing; so instead of comparing yourself to others, live your life one day at a time and do what is best for you.

I am a great fan of poetry and the words in this one really resonated with me so I have decided to share it and hope it will bring inspiration to you.

 

A Creed To Live By

Don’t undermine your worth
by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different
that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what
other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future,
By living your life one day at a time.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give
nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is a fragile thread that binds each of us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast
that you forget not only where you have been
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race,
but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

– Nancye Sims

But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

 

 

“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I  had to contribute to the family during  bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days  when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

 

 

 

 

Learn to let go of the need for validation or the approval of others

As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.

It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.

It is good to be appraised for a job well done

Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.

If you find yourself

  • overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
  • constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
  • feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
  • continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
  • holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
  • feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
  • suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
  • trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
  • lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
  • conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.

For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.

This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.

We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.

You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like

Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation

  • Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
  • Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
  • Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
  • Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
  • Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
  • Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
  • Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.

It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.

 

Dear family and friends, “OMG.. you have gained so much weight!” is not a greeting

Over the last few months I have gained a significant amount of weight but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges of being a big girl in a vain world.

Its bad enough shopping for clothes or squeezing myself into control pants and almost fainting from the pressure while I drive, then to bump into someone that says, ‘Gosh you have gained so much weight!’.

Me at the African Women’s Dinner 2018

How about hello, how are you?

I know I have gained weight; that cutting of my spanks reminds me of it every second that I am standing with you and dying to take it off.

Generally people are not kind to overweight people, they have been conditioned to resent people when they are overweight because there is a misconception that those people are irresponsible, they over eat and don’t look after themselves.

But weight gain is not only about eating, an imbalance in hormones can make it difficult for you to lose weight even if your are eating healthy.

Hormones control  inflammation, metabolism and uptake of glucose in the body which plays a big part in weight gain. (these will be addressed in another post)

Women tend to suffer from more stress which impacts on their well being by releasing much higher levels of stress hormones. When women suffer from depression, instead of reducing sleep and the amounts they eat, they start to eat and sleep more, increasing their carbohydrate intake which results in significant weight gain.

The more weight they put on, the more guilty they become.

They become helpless, feel like failures and turn to food for comfort which leads to more weight gain.

There are so many challenges that come with being “the big girl” or boy.

A lot of overweight people pretend to be happy about their weight when they are in public, they can be the life and soul of the party but suffer when they are on their own.

People think you eat too much and even when you are hungry, you are mindful of being watched when you eat because people do comment “ahh all that food, no wonder why you put on weight”.

Where I come from, weight gain is linked to having a good life. It is assumed that you eat well and have spare cash to help other people so no one will understand you may be having health problems.

Some people are on medications that cause them to gain weight. Certain steroids and antidepressants cause weight gain. Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction comes with weight gain.

People tend to watch what they say when they come across someone that has lost a lot of weight than one that has gained weight. It is important to be mindful of what we say to each other, big, small, tall or short.

Not all illnesses are visible, be patient and kind always.

 

 

 

It is important to put yourself on top of your list

Many times when we are asked to write down the most important things in our lives, the top of our list is usually our children, families, and jobs but never ourselves.

That is because of the general misconception that putting yourself first is being selfish, as the old teaching goes – put others before yourself.

Putting yourself first is not disregarding other peoples needs, it is taking responsibility for yourself so that you can have the resources and energy to help others.

You can not prioritise someones comfort when you are not in a good place.

You can not cover someones expenses before you take care of your own.

You can not feed other people before you eat, well you can, but what good are you doing then if you can not take care of yourself but want to take care of others.

Actually when I read this back right now, part of me feels selfish for saying these things but I am done feeling guilty for learning that it is important to take care of my needs first.

Naturally, givers do not have anyone to help them out when they are in need.

Those very people that you go out of your way to help when they are down never have anything to offer during your time of need and more often than not, they do not say that because they don’t have the money or time but because they do not know how to give, only to receive.

When I first started flying, I used to wonder why during the safety demonstration before take off, we were encouraged to put on our oxygen masks first before we help the young and elderly.

It bothered me because I thought that if I was travelling with a child, I would probably break the rules and look after my child first but think about it, it only takes a few seconds to grab your own mask then you can help and do a lot more good instead of passing out before you even help anyone.

It is always good practice to give and share and look after other people but take the time to look after yourself first so that you may be able to help others without feeling under pressure or burning out from over stretching yourself.

Photos by pexels and pixaby

 

 

 

 

There’s caring – then there’s narcissism, you are good enough!

Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?

We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents.  Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.

NarcissismJames C. Tanner

If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.

The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.

This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.

They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.

They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.

Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.

As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so  that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.

They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.

They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.

shoppingYou are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.

You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.

Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.

There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.

They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?

They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.

They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.

They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.

They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.

They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.

Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.

On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers.  They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.

It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Want To Be Free…

Dear friend

The last few months have been a roller coaster, constantly turning and not stopping.

I watched my days turn into nights, nights back into days – a walking zombie, doing so much yet achieving so little.

All the time you asked how I was, I said I was fine. All the jokes I received from you I responded with a laughing emoji or just an ‘LOL’.

What you don’t know was that there were days that I could not even summon the strength to get out of the bed or even take a phone call. I had no energy or motivation to feel happy for myself or anyone for that matter even if they had shared good news.

I would drift in an out of sleep and hate myself for being so lazy. I took some time off work because I was struggling with day-to-day tasks and I thought a break would do me good.

I would wait until it was dark to go to the convenience store and by then it would be too late to cook so I would buy myself a packet of  chocolate digestive biscuits to have with a cup of tea before bed. But I wouldn’t have 2 or 4 or 6, I would gradually eat all the biscuits and wonder where they all went.

I would lie awake till the early hours of morning then I would sleep until lunchtime feeling guilty for my laziness, hating myself for not training and binge eating. I would be snappy and burst into tears for the most trivial things.

I would look at my reflection in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at me. I would just feel so tired, not motivated to do anything at all.

I would lie in bed for hours watching the news but if you asked me what was happening around the world, I would not know. I was absent from my own existence most of the time.

Each night I would make a list of things to do the next day, but each morning I woke up, I struggled with the smallest of tasks.

I pushed myself to do a course that I wanted to do as I had free time. I almost did not make it to the exam as the anxiety kicked in and I had a million and one excuses in my head why it was probably a better idea to postpone to another day.

It was one of those exams centres where you get your results printed straight away. I got my results slip and just put in my handbag and left the exam centre. I got home, looked at the results slip .. ‘I had passed’.

There was no elation, no happiness, just relief that I would not have to do it again. I changed into my pyjamas, got into bed and forgot all about it for a few days.

One morning I woke up supercharged and felt like I could take on the world. I cleaned and decluttered the house and started sending out applications for new jobs.

My CV was received well. My phone was ringing with recruiters wanting to chat about roles they could offer but I just could not muster the strength to take the calls. I didn’t feel good enough for the roles, I just wanted to curl up and hide.

What if they interview me and they don’t like me? What if I don’t hear from them? And with the calls that I took, I would obsess about my responses, did I say the right thing, should I have said this instead of that?

I would then be back on that roller coaster again. I felt like I was constantly running but not reaching my destination, I was just getting more and more exhausted.

Images that show what it feels like to suffer from mental illness. Bringing the inside to the outside.

Days rolled into nights, nights turned into days and quickly into weeks and months. I lost track of time.

Social events became a chore. I made every excuse possible to not go anywhere and if I plucked up the courage to go, I would be late because of procrastinating, should I shouldn’t I? Will I look silly in this outfit? Will I be comfortable with the people around me? Things that never used to bother me were starting to bother me.

Driving became a challenge, stopping for petrol became a challenge, getting out of bed was nearly impossible. I just could not understand what was going on.

I totally lost the zest for life, didn’t have the energy to exercise or even leave the house. I was tired and aching but I could not understand what was going on. I was getting used to being confined to the bubble that I had created, I would imagine myself dead after a road accident while I was driving. If I was at a strain station, I would fantasise about standing at the edge of a platform while a fast train passed.

Photo by Pexels

It got to a point that my thinking was so irrational and I would get upset by the smallest things. I just could not stop it, I wished it would stop, I prayed it would stop but I just continued in my never-ending burnt out state.

I knew I couldn’t continue feeling that way and I made an appointment to see the doctor. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after an hours consultation of describing how I felt.

I was given treatment options but none were forced on me. It was entirely up to me to make the decision which I made in a few days.

I will not lie and say it was easy, but knowing that what I was going through had a name, that I was not the only one going through it and that I could get better gave me a better outlook to life.

I am recovering, I know it will take a while to heal but I am getting better everyday.

I am taking things slowly, one day at a time in order to find stability and improve my well-being.

I do not feel like I am running to an unreachable destination.

I am not afraid of the future. I am facing my fears one by one. I still have bad days, but my good days are better.

I am sharing because I want to be free.

I want to be free to tell you that I really feel like ‘crap’ if you talk to me when I am having a bad day.

I am learning to say no when I feel like I have overcommitted myself.

I am learning that my strength and resilience is what will see me through.

I am learning to to love myself, put my needs first as I cannot help others if I am unwell.

I have decided that depression will not define me. I do not want to conform to a label.

I have control of my life and I will fight everyday to overcome this and encourage other people not to hide how they are feeling.

I know that I will be learning for a long time, but I am excited at a future where I can have control of my life and not hide behind a label.

Staying silent is not being strong. Speaking out is!

 

Welcome

Please join me on my journey of self discovery.

This is my blog where i write about things close to my heart.

I am not a person that focuses on one thing, I like to do different things and have different experiences.

My attention span would not allow me to do that, and I would get bored. Now, who wants a bored writer.

There are a few things close to my heart that I wil write about, especially the stigma attached to black people and mental health, mainly depression and anxiety that I have first hand experience with.

I hope to help other people and impart in their lives positivity, leading to fulfillment.