Tag: SELFWORTH

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But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

 

 

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Are You Pouring From An Empty Cup?

A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.

I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.

When I woke up, I  started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to  at least try.

I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.

After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.

I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.

It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.

I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.

I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.

You can not pour from an empty cup

So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.

It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.

You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.

You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.

Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.

Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.

You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists

Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.

Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.

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Breakups – When it’s no longer just sadness

Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.

When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.

But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.

If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!

If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.

When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.

It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.

As with any loss, it is usual to have

  • Feelings of frustration and anger
  • Sadness
  • Crying
  • Shock
  • Denial
  • Loneliness
  • Fear
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of interest in activities

The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.

There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;

  • taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
  • understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
  • not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
  • writing or talking about it
  • appreciating your own self-worth
  • not blaming yourself

If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.

If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.

Some of the symptoms to look out for are;

  • Feeling worthless
  • Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Loss of appetite
  • Compulsive eating for comfort
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
  • Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
  • Having suicidal thoughts
  • Feeling empty everyday
  • Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
  • Having no energy for most of the day
  • Low self esteem
  • Feeling anxious

It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.

If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.

 

 

 

 

 

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It is important to put yourself on top of your list

Many times when we are asked to write down the most important things in our lives, the top of our list is usually our children, families, and jobs but never ourselves.

That is because of the general misconception that putting yourself first is being selfish, as the old teaching goes – put others before yourself.

Putting yourself first is not disregarding other peoples needs, it is taking responsibility for yourself so that you can have the resources and energy to help others.

You can not prioritise someones comfort when you are not in a good place.

You can not cover someones expenses before you take care of your own.

You can not feed other people before you eat, well you can, but what good are you doing then if you can not take care of yourself but want to take care of others.

Actually when I read this back right now, part of me feels selfish for saying these things but I am done feeling guilty for learning that it is important to take care of my needs first.

Naturally, givers do not have anyone to help them out when they are in need.

Those very people that you go out of your way to help when they are down never have anything to offer during your time of need and more often than not, they do not say that because they don’t have the money or time but because they do not know how to give, only to receive.

When I first started flying, I used to wonder why during the safety demonstration before take off, we were encouraged to put on our oxygen masks first before we help the young and elderly.

It bothered me because I thought that if I was travelling with a child, I would probably break the rules and look after my child first but think about it, it only takes a few seconds to grab your own mask then you can help and do a lot more good instead of passing out before you even help anyone.

It is always good practice to give and share and look after other people but take the time to look after yourself first so that you may be able to help others without feeling under pressure or burning out from over stretching yourself.

Photos by pexels and pixaby

 

 

 

 

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There’s caring – then there’s narcissism, you are good enough!

Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?

We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents.  Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.

NarcissismJames C. Tanner

If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.

The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.

This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.

They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.

They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.

Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.

As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so  that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.

They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.

They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.

shoppingYou are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.

You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.

Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.

There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.

They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?

They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.

They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.

They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.

They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.

They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.

Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.

On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers.  They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.

It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.