Month: July 2018

Spare the rod and spoil the child

Now this is one popular saying that most of my peers will be able to relate to.

Growing up we were disciplined with the cane, a smack if you were close enough, a wooden spoon if you happened to be in the kitchen, a rubber slipper, a belt or even a punch if you misbehaved, broke rules or disrespected your parents.

That could have been anything from breaking glass, playing outside past your curfew, getting grades that were lower than your parents expected you to get, talking to boys, answering back, even interrupting grownups talking and getting low grades.

Teachers disciplined you at school and if your parents heard about it, you could get another beating from them. We had popular headmasters and teachers that were known for giving the best or ‘worst’ beatings in my opinion and some people still thank them today for the way they helped them shape their lives.

How does being beaten by someone else shape your life? In my opinion, it forces people into submission when they are with a person they regard as authority and teaches them that hitting other people is a way to deal with their anger.

Spare the rod and spoil the wife

As people get older and have their own relationships and children, they adopt the traits of their parents that you can discipline someone by laying a hand on them.

I remember my friends avoiding their older brothers if we went out because they were afraid of them. Why? Most likely because they had the parents blessing to discipline the younger siblings.

Women stick around in abusive relationships because they saw their mothers stay when their fathers beat them.

They stick around because they were beaten by their parents and often they were told it was done out of love. If they did not love them they would not bother correcting them.

When a woman feels oppressed in a marriage or and walks away from being abused, she is encouraged to talk to her elders who in turn urge her to return to her marital home and put up with it; as we all know, marriage is not easy, you adapt and get used to the person you are with and you have to stay for the sake of the children.

There are men who stay in relationships where they are emotionally and verbally abused, for the same reasons as women. It also could be that there are children involved and they do not want to be caught up in a custody battle. Sometimes they do not even realise that they are in an abusive relationship because they have been raised in a similar environment, so they just put up with it.

 

The need to show who is the boss

I befriended a young lady that lived in a flat above me with her partner a few years ago. They painted a happy picture, such a lovely couple, but almost every weekend there were cries from her flat when she was being beaten. She refused to talk about it when we met.

They eventually went separate ways but the partner was known to tell the ‘boys’ when they were at the pub that he did it to show her who was the boss. It didn’t matter if she had been good or bad in his eyes, he still hit her.

But where does one person get the authority to raise a hand to another? Could it be insecurity; that they need to control another person them to keep them in check? Could it be learned behaviour from the way they were disciplined themselves as children?

I was spanked as a kid and turned out just fine

There may be some people that say, ‘we were spanked as children but we turned out just fine’ and continue the same practice with their own children.

There is no justification for laying a hand on anyone else but sometimes one doesn’t have to touch you to hurt you. Emotional abuse is psychological, you may not see the scars but the damage is long term. Survivors of abuse can suffer from low esteem, depression, lack of self-confidence, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), drug and alcohol abuse.

Children look up to their parents and learn behaviour’s and social norms through them. Violence is not love but we have been conditioned by parents and care givers that it is okay to be punished by the one that provides for you.

Physical discipline does not help anyone, in fact it often leads to forced submission and acceptance of abuse in later relationships as well others developing abusive tendencies towards future partners.

We all need structure and discipline in our lives but it can be instilled without the need to be physical.

 

Disclaimer: This article is based on my readings, feelings and experience. Please feel free to comment and share.