Month: September 2018

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Breakups – When it’s no longer just sadness

Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.

When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.

But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.

If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!

If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.

When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.

It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.

As with any loss, it is usual to have

  • Feelings of frustration and anger
  • Sadness
  • Crying
  • Shock
  • Denial
  • Loneliness
  • Fear
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of interest in activities

The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.

There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;

  • taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
  • understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
  • not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
  • writing or talking about it
  • appreciating your own self-worth
  • not blaming yourself

If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.

If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.

Some of the symptoms to look out for are;

  • Feeling worthless
  • Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Loss of appetite
  • Compulsive eating for comfort
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
  • Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
  • Having suicidal thoughts
  • Feeling empty everyday
  • Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
  • Having no energy for most of the day
  • Low self esteem
  • Feeling anxious

It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.

If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.

 

 

 

 

 

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Learn to let go of the need for validation or the approval of others

As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.

It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.

It is good to be appraised for a job well done

Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.

If you find yourself

  • overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
  • constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
  • feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
  • continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
  • holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
  • feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
  • suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
  • trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
  • lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
  • conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.

For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.

This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.

We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.

You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like

Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation

  • Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
  • Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
  • Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
  • Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
  • Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
  • Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
  • Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.

It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.