Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.
Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.
Men are expected hide their weaknesses.
Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.
Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.
Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.
Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.
Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.
This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.
There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.
Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.
Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.
Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.
What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!
Why do you want to adopt western values?
That is a rich man’s illness.
That is a white man’s illness.
Seriously, what has race got to do with it?
Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.
There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.
Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.
It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.
There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression
When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.
There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.
Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.
As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.
It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.
It is good to be appraised for a job well done
Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.
If you find yourself
overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.
For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.
This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.
We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.
You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like
Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation
Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.
It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.
Prayer is good, mediation helps but we can not pray away mental illnesses. While it may be comforting to ‘take our troubles to the Lord in prayer’, it is also important that we seek medical help for health conditions.
We can not pray away mental illness
There are some people that pray relentlessly for healing but not get healed. What do you think goes through those peoples minds when they do not get better after prayer? A lot of times people start to feel like failures, that they have sinned and do not deserve to get healed from their sickness.
Let us encourage loved ones that are suffering, especially with mental health conditions to seek medical help, then we can pray with them; if that is what you do and it is within their beliefs.
This morning I read that Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills, Chino, California had taken his life after battling depression and anxiety. He was only 30 years old, leaving behind a wife and 3 sons.
Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills Church took his life after battling with anxiety and depression. (Inland Hills Church)
This is not a man who didn’t know how to pray. He prayed with and for other people as well as teach. He was a leader that was looked upon as a responsible person in society and religious communities but he suffered from depression.
He probably couldn’t share what was really troubling him as everyone looked to him for answers. It can get very lonely at the top.
His church announced, “In his time leading Inland Hills, Andrew reached so many with his warm wit, passionate heart for God, and teaching that always, always pointed others to Jesus. The loving husband, father, son, and friend that he was will continue to inspire us in leading others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ,”
Mental illness should not be considered as demonic, it is a reality. It is a dysfunction rooted in the structure of the personality and most times caused by traumatic, physical or psychological experiences or genetic imbalances. In most cases medication can help a person lead an almost normal life.
The churches need to step up and teach their congregants about mental health and the help they can get professionally. If people can seek medical help for all other illnesses they should be encouraged to do so for their mental health, then the in-house counselling can be offered. People should not be afraid to reach out when they are suffering.
Let us continue to talk about mental health and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
The Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams, who has previously spoken about her depression and feeling suicidal has checked into a mental health facility for treatment.
Singer Michelle Williams is seeking help for depression
It is not very easy for people of colour to talk about their feelings especially when struggling with depression. Their symptoms are usually attributed to weakness, laziness and attention seeking.
Most times, we only find out when someone has taken their own life that they have been suffering in silence. Michelle has shown immense strength in speaking out and and hopefully it will encourage other people to seek the help that they need.
The 37 year old singer confirmed on her social media pages;
There are people who will say Michelle Williams has had a great life, successful career and recently got engaged to her fiancee; what has she got to be depressed about?
But, depression is not about how much or how little you have. It is a neurological disease associated with the dysfunction of specific brain regions and not simply a consequence of a bad lifestyle and psychological weakness.
Depression brings feelings of sadness and a loss of interest in activities that one once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.
Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:
Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite and weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide
The stigma surrounding mental health can worsen someone’s problems and impede their recovery. It affects their employability and social inclusion in mainstream society.
People are encouraged to talk about how they feel, but the greatest difficulty is finding who to talk to and who to trust.
Today social media is abuzz with all the support for Michelle Williams, she has done the right thing in taking time to focus on her recovery as she has been struggling for a while but; she didn’t stop encouraging others’ to take care of their mental health.
Let us continue to talk about it and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
We are all guilty of holding on to things that we treasure; keepsakes, books, art and our children’s first drawings to name a few. Over time, these things accumulate and it can be a challenge to get rid of them.
There are people who find it easy to get rid of things that they no longer need and there are people who can not bear to part with even a piece of paper where they scribbled information which they will never need to use again.
There are different types of clutter, physical, emotional or mental, social, and digital clutter.
Physical clutter
Physical Clutter, lots of things lying around
This is the most common and visible form of what people can identify as clutter. Its the stuff that can be packed away if there is space; books can be placed on a shelf, shoes on a rack, clothes can be packed in drawers if folded or hung up in a wardrobe and toys can be put in a box.
This clutter weighs us down and causes us to be antisocial because we do not want people to come into our house and see the mess, also it becomes difficult to leave the house because one feels guilty for enjoying other things instead of tidying up but still they never get round to doing it.
It is very draining to be in such an environment as the atmosphere starts to feel very heavy and most times the person will feel fatigued before they even start, so its left for another day.
Physical clutter affects children in a negative way; children that live in messy houses are prone to health conditions due to leaving in an unhygienic place. They can’t have their friends over to play at short notice, and it also affects their attention span as their living and playing space is restricted because of all the clutter around them.
Have you ever been to someones house and there was nowhere to sit that they needed to start moving things off the settee just to make room? Or tried to help someone clean up and almost fallen out because you insisted they throw away certain things that have been in a particular place for years and never been used?
This constant holding on to possessions is what causes people to become hoarders. Not all hoarders live in squalor and smelly houses with dead animals and bad sanitation like we see on TV programmes.
Some people hold on to so much stuff because they fear that they may need it someday. The person may keep the items for reasons that are not obvious to other people, such as for sentimental reasons.
Some people may buy clothes especially in sales and not wear them but keep them in case they need them at some other time. They may have lots of dresses, bags and shoes that they do not have any space for them and end up moving them from place to place. They also tend to buy more clothes if they are going somewhere because they have so many things and they don’t know where to begin looking.
Emotional or Mental Clutter
Mental Clutter – Big Stock
Emotional or mental clutter is the clutter that we can not see. It is the thoughts that hold us back and make life hard and complicated. This may be tied to feelings of guilt over something we wanted to do but didn’t get round to doing it, regret over an unfinished course, unmet deadlines, unreached goals or people we wanted to see but couldn’t make it.
The fear of pursuing your dreams or worrying about what people will say when you do is also a form of mental clutter. It is difficult to reach your true potential when you go through those type of emotions. People end up being stuck in a rut and not being able to pursue their careers or make positive changes in their lives.
When you have mental clutter, it is difficult to experience clarity, peace and love. It occupies your thoughts and and gradually makes you believe that the negative thoughts in your mind are real. This causes insecurities and holds you back from living life to your full potential.
Social Clutter
Social Clutter – you don’t have to follow the mob
Sometimes we are in relationships that no longer add to our lives but drain us instead. We stay with the same groups of people even though we have grown apart, stick to the same routines that we get no enjoyment out of because it is the norm or trend just to fit in. Sometimes we give so much more of ourselves than we can, getting nothing in return or being mistreated and sometimes we commit ourselves to events that we do not have any desire to be in the first place because of fear.
It is hard but useful to distance yourself from negative talk and people that bring you down. Toxic relationships end up making you insecure and causing you to limit yourself from getting good opportunities.
Digital Clutter
Digital clutter
In this age of digitalisation, our mobile phones, iPads and computers have apps that we download and we think are good idea to have but never get round to using. We bookmark things that we never go back to read or delete on our computers and that creates a lot of clutter.
Some people do not check their emails or filter junk post and they get overwhelmed when they go into their emails. We take hundreds of pictures on our phones but do not delete them or move them to a memory stick and we end up scrolling through thousands of pictures while looking for just one suitable one.
It causes anxiety to realise that you have months worth of mail and you have missed payments or important correspondence because of not clearing your digital clutter.
There are many reasons that lead to people living cluttered lives. Our past events, childhood experiences, religious beliefs, cultural beliefs and traumatic events all play a part in what we do in our lives.
Some people may have suffered an illness where they find it difficult to tidy up their things or are lonely and just feel emotionally attached to certain objects as a way of comfort. After a bereavement certain stuff is kept because of its sentimental value and the feeling that if they throw away the things, they are throwing away all their memories of their loved one.
Sometimes the behaviour is adopted from parents that hoard things but most times it is the opposite, whereby if a parent was compulsive about cleanliness, a child may rebel later in life because they finally have no one to tell them what to do.
Some people were just not taught or learned the skills of maintaining a tidy environment and others struggle with depression or anxiety that causes them to lose interest in day to day activities.
There are instances where the clutter is manageable and someones surroundings can be cleared but it can also get to a point where the problem is bigger than lack of time and a person is not prepared to accept help clearing up because they are afraid that the helper may throw away their stuff.
It becomes a fire and trip hazard when someone has collected too much stuff, especially the elderly but it is important to be patient and understanding because there may be a lot of reasons why that person is behaving in that way and not rush in to throw away their stuff and cause more harm than good.
It is pointless to clear out someone’s house on their behalf because if they do not get rid of their possessions themselves they will not have participated in the decluttering so will learn nothing from it. They have to be ready and willing to make the change and they should not be encouraged to put things in storage either because they will continue accumulating things and end up being worse off.
Over the last few months I have gained a significant amount of weight but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges of being a big girl in a vain world.
Its bad enough shopping for clothes or squeezing myself into control pants and almost fainting from the pressure while I drive, then to bump into someone that says, ‘Gosh you have gained so much weight!’.
Me at the African Women’s Dinner 2018
How about hello, how are you?
I know I have gained weight; that cutting of my spanks reminds me of it every second that I am standing with you and dying to take it off.
Generally people are not kind to overweight people, they have been conditioned to resent people when they are overweight because there is a misconception that those people are irresponsible, they over eat and don’t look after themselves.
But weight gain is not only about eating, an imbalance in hormones can make it difficult for you to lose weight even if your are eating healthy.
Hormones control inflammation, metabolism and uptake of glucose in the body which plays a big part in weight gain. (these will be addressed in another post)
Women tend to suffer from more stress which impacts on their well being by releasing much higher levels of stress hormones. When women suffer from depression, instead of reducing sleep and the amounts they eat, they start to eat and sleep more, increasing their carbohydrate intake which results in significant weight gain.
The more weight they put on, the more guilty they become.
They become helpless, feel like failures and turn to food for comfort which leads to more weight gain.
There are so many challenges that come with being “the big girl” or boy.
A lot of overweight people pretend to be happy about their weight when they are in public, they can be the life and soul of the party but suffer when they are on their own.
People think you eat too much and even when you are hungry, you are mindful of being watched when you eat because people do comment “ahh all that food, no wonder why you put on weight”.
Where I come from, weight gain is linked to having a good life. It is assumed that you eat well and have spare cash to help other people so no one will understand you may be having health problems.
Some people are on medications that cause them to gain weight. Certain steroids and antidepressants cause weight gain. Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction comes with weight gain.
People tend to watch what they say when they come across someone that has lost a lot of weight than one that has gained weight. It is important to be mindful of what we say to each other, big, small, tall or short.
Not all illnesses are visible, be patient and kind always.
