Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?
We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents. Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.
James C. Tanner
If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.
The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.
This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.
They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.
They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.
Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.
As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.
They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.
They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.
You are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.
You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.
Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.
There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.
They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?
They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.
They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.
They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.
They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.
They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.
Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.
On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers. They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.
It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.
