DEPRESSION | Beyond The Shade

January 1, 2019January 1, 2019

Happy New Year 2019

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” Tony Robbins

Now that we have rung in the New Year and have our shiny note books and diaries filled with New Year’s resolutions, we will be raring to go and ticking each resolution day by day.

Some people will start off the new year well and then ditch their New Year’s resolutions as they will be feeling that they are impractical and that they have aimed too high. This is also a reason why some people decide not to make any new years resolutions at all.

For those that have made resolutions, it is never going to be smooth sailing all the time. There will be a day when you don’t follow your resolutions to the smallest detail, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up or feel like a failure.

If for example, your plan was to exercise every day; it may be necessary to take a break or make a minor adjustment and train every other day than to scrap your idea to keep fit completely.

It always feels easier to bail out, give up and tell ourselves that we are failures, but there is no one on this earth that has never had a set back in their life and we need to know that they occur.

Making resolutions and achieving them is difficult enough, but if you suffer from anxiety it can be even more difficult. It is important to remind yourself that these feelings are common and everyone experiences them.

There are ways to help with setting goals and keeping them:

Set fewer goals and do a bit at a time

The fewer to do lists you have, the better the chance of you accomplishing your goals. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself for having a couple of bad days, but don’t give up and the more consistent you are, the better you become at accomplishing your tasks.

Learn to identify and avoid distractions

It is normal for us human beings to get sidetracked and when we do, we stay away from our work and neglect goals. After a few days break we tend to feel demotivated to continue with the tasks at hand and that is when we feel like we have failed. This should not be used as an excuse to not fulfil your dreams.

Surround yourself with people that believe in you

One of the best ways of helping yourself get over your fear and anxiety of working on and achieving your goals is to surround yourself with people who you trust, that believe in you and can be positive reinforcements to you. It doesn’t matter if its one person or a group of people, but it helps to have moral support and some accountability.

It doesn’t matter how much time it takes for you to achieve your goals but the most important thing to do is start today so that your dreams can become a reality. Take small steps, one day at a time and do not be hard on yourself when you need time out. It would be useful to identify your negative thoughts and accept that they are not a reflection of reality.

Go ahead, set your goals and have a fantastic 2019.

December 15, 2018December 15, 2018

Are You Pouring From An Empty Cup?

A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.

I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.

When I woke up, I started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to at least try.

I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.

After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.

I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.

It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.

I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.

I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.

So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.

It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.

You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.

You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.

Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.

Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.

You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists

Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.

Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.

December 4, 2018

Mental Health – How to identity and avoid triggers

When most people are recovering from mental illness their condition becomes more manageable. It is however important to understand that recovery is an ongoing process and that it is normal to have difficulties and setbacks along the way.

When you have achieved some stability and understand your illness and how to manage it, you have to identify what you need to do in order to stay well.

There are things in our lives that can accelerate mental health problems or impede on recovery.

Below are some examples:

Alcohol

It is important to limit or avoid alcohol because mental health problems not only result from drinking too much alcohol, they can also cause people to drink too much and make their problems worse. Some people tend to self-medicate with alcohol so that they can sleep or numb their feelings, but then they may wake up feeling worse because alcohol is a depressant which causes moods to fluctuate.

Stress

Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions. Sometimes we set unrealistic deadlines at work or overcommit to our families and not leave enough time for ourselves, then we end up getting stressed. Financial worries can cause stress and some stress can be a cause of mental conditions, but some can make it worse. It is important to identify potential stressors in your life in order to help with your recovery.

Over the counter medication

Most people are not comfortable talking to doctors or taking prescribed medications, so they end up buying over the counter medication to help with their symptoms but that can be as dangerous as not treating it at all. When you see a medical professional, they always ask if you are taking other medication so that they do not prescribe to you something that will counteract with the other. So, when you take other medication that is not prescribed to you, you could make your symptoms worse or take something completely harmful to your health.

Negative thoughts

It is common for people with mental health problems to experience negative thoughts and feelings which include but are not limited to sadness, guilt, helplessness and worthlessness and find them hard to shake off which can have detrimental effects on how they function in everyday life.

Negative thoughts can be draining and have you in a constant state of fight or flight which can leave you extremely fatigued.

Isolation

The stigma surrounding mental health can cause somebody with mental health problems to isolate themselves. When someone feels unwanted or unloved, they stay away from people and at times they are just unmotivated to be in social situations.

When one has encountered negative or judgemental people it is natural to prefer to be alone. Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawal and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health as it can contribute to cardiovascular disease and insomnia which affects how the immune system functions.

Not taking care of yourself

Rest and recharge, the mind needs just as much rest as the body.

Some illnesses may require you to just take medication but mental illness like depression needs you to look after your physical well-being as well.

Self-care is paramount in recovery, one needs to learn and identify what is good and works for them.

Personal care and a clean environment goes a long way in assisting in recovery.

You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise and hydrate, as it has a direct impact on your physical and emotional well being.

November 13, 2018

Indoda Ayikhali – Men Dont Cry

‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)

Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.

Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.

Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.

Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.

Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.

Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.

Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.

This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.

There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.

Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.

Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.

What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!

Why do you want to adopt western values?

That is a rich man’s illness.

That is a white man’s illness.

Seriously, what has race got to do with it?

Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.

There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.

Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.

It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression

Changes in mood
Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
Drug abuse
Avoiding being with other people
Loss of libido
Constant complaints of fatigue
Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
Irritability
Sleeping too much or too little

Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:

Financial problems
Death of a loved one
Break ups
Relationship problems
Stress at work
Health problems
Loss of work or earnings

When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.

There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.

Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.

September 21, 2018

Breakups – When it’s no longer just sadness

Being in love is amazing, love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. There is a lot of fantasy, excitement and chemistry when two people are in love. The feeling of being in love can be considered as a high and some people even say they are drunk in love.

When relationships are new, they are thrilling, intoxicating and exciting – you want to talk to the person that you are in love with all the time, see them as often as you can, everything they do is cute, and they seem to say the right things that make you smile all the time.

But some relationships don’t last or have the fairy tale ending that we may have been dreaming of and that is when the problems begin.

If you have been in a relationship that ended in a breakup then you know just how that feels; It Sucks!

If you are lucky enough to not have experienced it, you may know someone that had a break up and their whole life fell apart.

When you break up with someone you can’t eat or sleep or even breathe, it hurts. You feel like your whole world is falling apart and a whole lot of other emotions are triggered. Some people get over breakups quite quickly and while sadness and grief are common after a breakup, it is important to recognise if there are any symptoms of depression.

It is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship so that you may begin to heal, but there are healthy and also unhealthy symptoms of a breakup; knowing how to identify these can help you determine if you may be suffering from depression.

As with any loss, it is usual to have

Feelings of frustration and anger
Sadness
Crying
Shock
Denial
Loneliness
Fear
Insomnia
Loss of interest in activities

The recovery timeline varies from person to person, but your emotional state should improve bit by bit as you adjust to life without your partner.

There are ways of helping yourself feel better during this time for instance;

taking time to exercise and catch up with friends and family
understanding your own self-worth and not dwelling on the past
not jumping into another romantic relationship straight away
writing or talking about it
appreciating your own self-worth
not blaming yourself

If your feelings do not improve at all after a few weeks or they get worse, you should talk to a doctor.

If the feelings get worse, please see your doctor.

Some of the symptoms to look out for are;

Feeling worthless
Developing insomnia or sleeping too much
Loss of appetite
Compulsive eating for comfort
Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
Feeling hopeless and blaming oneself for all the bad things
Having suicidal thoughts
Feeling empty everyday
Difficulty concentrating on general tasks and decision making
Having no energy for most of the day
Low self esteem
Feeling anxious

It is common for people to get depressed after a breakup, however some people are more at risk if they have had a previous history with depression or another mood disorder.

If depressed feelings persist they may worsen and affect a person’s quality of life, it is advisable to see a doctor when this happens. Any thoughts or talk of suicide should be taken seriously and in times of crisis one may seek help from the hospital’s emergency services.

September 20, 2018

Learn to let go of the need for validation or the approval of others

As humans, it is in our nature to give and receive appreciation for the tasks that we perform or for the good we have done.

It’s great to receive a compliment for a job well done, to be congratulated for an achievement and to get a thank you when we have done something helpful for someone, but we should not rely on outside validation to prove our worth.

It is good to be appraised for a job well done

Lack of self-esteem can prompt us to conform to other people’s beliefs and rely on their opinions instead of trusting our own judgement. It can cause us to be motivated by other people’s passions and not be our true selves in order to be accepted by certain groups, while putting our own lives on hold.

If you find yourself

overly dependent on approval from partners or significant people in your life and becoming unhappy if that doesn’t happen
constantly trying to please all the people all the time but not making time for yourself
feeling guilty for saying no when you really don’t have the time to do what someone has asked you to do
continuously needing the approval of friends or family to give you a sense of self-worth
holding back on your own creativity to fit in with the people that you look up to
feeling like you’re not good enough when you don’t get the approval that you expected
suppressing your opinions to avoid rejection and conflict
trying too hard to be good to people that won’t go out of their way for you
lacking confidence in your own skills and abilities
conforming yourself to fit in from group to group; you may be overly dependent on other people’s validation which hinders your ability to function without your actions being approved by those people.

For instance; on social media, some people thrive on the high from the number of followers and likes that they get. If they get unfollowed or they do not get the responses that they expect, they take it personally and get very upset.

This has led to depression in some individuals because the validation from others is what they have been addicted to and what keeps them going, so when it stops the feeling of loss and rejection can be overwhelming.

We need to find happiness within ourselves first before we expect it from others.

You do not need anyones approval to do the things you like

Here are some ways of helping yourself stop seeking validation

Learn to say no. It’s OK to say no to the things that you don’t want to do or don’t like.
Don’t engage in activities that could be degrading or time consuming just to be seen as cool to fit in with the crowd.
Realise that it is OK not to be liked by everyone or to like everyone that comes into your life.
Learn to do things that make you feel happy and alive without asking for anyone’s opinion.
Don’t focus on finding love, instead learn to love yourself so that comments or criticisms don’t affect you.
Do not change yourself to fit in with people who don’t love you, it will only drain you and make you unhappy.
Make yourself a priority, you cannot please anyone if you are not happy. You will not have any energy for yourself and your growth if you are focusing on building other people than yourself.

It may take some time to reach a point where you can be self-sufficient and do some things without the need for outside validation, but you can learn to be your own source of happiness. You need to start trusting yourself that you are good enough without being endorsed by peers or family. Any approval or type of validation should be taken as a compliment, but you should not dwell on it or rely on it.

August 26, 2018

12 Steps to Self-care

August 25, 2018August 25, 2018

Quote of the day

It’s not our job to fix people. It’s our job to love them even while they are broken.

July 23, 2018

The Cure for Depression: Meditate, Pray, Journal, etc. — The Bipolar Writer Blog – A Mental Health Blog

Welcome to suggestion #12 on curing depression. I’ve got a word for you fellow depressors: Mindfulness. Have you heard that one lately? I don’t even social media that much since realizing it contributed an unhealthy amount to my negative self-image and my -sorry; rambling. I don’t get around much, and even I saw that word everywhere. […]

via The Cure for Depression: Meditate, Pray, Journal, etc. — The Bipolar Writer Blog – A Mental Health Blog

July 20, 2018

Discipline does not have to hurt

Spare the rod and spoil the child

Now this is one popular saying that most of my peers will be able to relate to.

Growing up we were disciplined with the cane, a smack if you were close enough, a wooden spoon if you happened to be in the kitchen, a rubber slipper, a belt or even a punch if you misbehaved, broke rules or disrespected your parents.

That could have been anything from breaking glass, playing outside past your curfew, getting grades that were lower than your parents expected you to get, talking to boys, answering back, even interrupting grownups talking and getting low grades.

Teachers disciplined you at school and if your parents heard about it, you could get another beating from them. We had popular headmasters and teachers that were known for giving the best or ‘worst’ beatings in my opinion and some people still thank them today for the way they helped them shape their lives.

How does being beaten by someone else shape your life? In my opinion, it forces people into submission when they are with a person they regard as authority and teaches them that hitting other people is a way to deal with their anger.

Spare the rod and spoil the wife

As people get older and have their own relationships and children, they adopt the traits of their parents that you can discipline someone by laying a hand on them.

I remember my friends avoiding their older brothers if we went out because they were afraid of them. Why? Most likely because they had the parents blessing to discipline the younger siblings.

Women stick around in abusive relationships because they saw their mothers stay when their fathers beat them.

They stick around because they were beaten by their parents and often they were told it was done out of love. If they did not love them they would not bother correcting them.

When a woman feels oppressed in a marriage or and walks away from being abused, she is encouraged to talk to her elders who in turn urge her to return to her marital home and put up with it; as we all know, marriage is not easy, you adapt and get used to the person you are with and you have to stay for the sake of the children.

There are men who stay in relationships where they are emotionally and verbally abused, for the same reasons as women. It also could be that there are children involved and they do not want to be caught up in a custody battle. Sometimes they do not even realise that they are in an abusive relationship because they have been raised in a similar environment, so they just put up with it.

man couple people woman — Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

The need to show who is the boss

I befriended a young lady that lived in a flat above me with her partner a few years ago. They painted a happy picture, such a lovely couple, but almost every weekend there were cries from her flat when she was being beaten. She refused to talk about it when we met.

They eventually went separate ways but the partner was known to tell the ‘boys’ when they were at the pub that he did it to show her who was the boss. It didn’t matter if she had been good or bad in his eyes, he still hit her.

But where does one person get the authority to raise a hand to another? Could it be insecurity; that they need to control another person them to keep them in check? Could it be learned behaviour from the way they were disciplined themselves as children?

I was spanked as a kid and turned out just fine

There may be some people that say, ‘we were spanked as children but we turned out just fine’ and continue the same practice with their own children.

There is no justification for laying a hand on anyone else but sometimes one doesn’t have to touch you to hurt you. Emotional abuse is psychological, you may not see the scars but the damage is long term. Survivors of abuse can suffer from low esteem, depression, lack of self-confidence, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), drug and alcohol abuse.

Children look up to their parents and learn behaviour’s and social norms through them. Violence is not love but we have been conditioned by parents and care givers that it is okay to be punished by the one that provides for you.

Physical discipline does not help anyone, in fact it often leads to forced submission and acceptance of abuse in later relationships as well others developing abusive tendencies towards future partners.

We all need structure and discipline in our lives but it can be instilled without the need to be physical.

Disclaimer: This article is based on my readings, feelings and experience. Please feel free to comment and share.