ANXIETY | Beyond The Shade

September 12, 2019

How to get a good night’s sleep

Getting enough sleep is vital for our physical and mental health.

The average healthy adult should sleep for at least 7 and a half to 8 hours a day, but a lot of us have either very little or too much sleep.

A good night’s sleep is important for everyone and if deprived, it can lead to someone feeling more than just tired.

Lack of sleep slows down cognitive function leading to learning disabilities in children, memory impairment in people of all ages, personality changes and depression.

It can negatively affect one’s life by contributing to the development of ailments such as obesity, diabetes and heart disease.

When people are deprived of sleep, they experience difficulty in making decisions, easily get irritable, have slower reaction times and perform tasks poorly.

Here are some tips that may be helpful for a good night’s sleep

Choose a relaxing bedtime routine and keep it regular. You can wind down each night by having a warm bath, reading, listening to soft music or meditating. Try to wake up at the same time each morning including on days off.
Establish the best sleeping environment by ensuring that your bedroom is comfortable, dark, cool or warm to your liking. If your room is too light, you may consider using blackout curtains or a sleep mask.
Avoid using bright screens before bed, the body reacts to unexpected doses of blue and white light which can cause insomnia.
Don’t go to bed with a negative mindset. If you go to bed worrying about events or stressing that you won’t be able to go through the next day without sleep, you won’t be able to relax into a restful sleep.
Use your bed for sleep and intimacy. It’s easy to watch television or use the computer in your bedroom to finish up some work but try to avoid doing that as your sleep environment will become your work environment and you wont rest.
Plan your next day before you settle down for bed. Try writing a to-do list for the next morning so that you won’t be playing your duties over in your head when you go to sleep.
Limit nap times. If you are very tired and a nap can’t be avoided, try to limit them to no longer than 30 minutes and not too late in the afternoon.
Exercise regularly but not too vigorously close to your bedtime.
Avoid Stimulants. Tea, coffee and chocolate are all stimulants that can affect your sleep and should be avoided at least 4 hours before bedtime. Heavy meals should not be eaten before bedtime as well.
Switch off your mobile or silence it so that you do not get disturbed while you are asleep.

The most important thing is finding what works for you and sticking with it so that you may have a healthy sleeping pattern, that may be beneficial to your physical and mental wellbeing.

May 28, 2019May 28, 2019

“Black African people do not get depressed!”

‘Black African people do not get depressed!’

This is a statement I hear time and time again when talking about mental health with members of ethnic African communities who believe that mental illness is a ‘white’ thing.

According to the World Health Organisation, 300 million people in the world suffer from depression.

Depression affects people of all ages, from all walks of life. It doesn’t matter what your background is, how old you are or what colour you are.

Unfortunately people from certain cultures are primed from an early age to suppress their feelings, hide how they feel and conceal their illnesses.

Why do black people have to be so strong about everything? We are constantly being reminded that ‘you are a strong black woman or you are a strong black man, you cannot be so weak to admit you are struggling with any mental illness’. It is just not acceptable to do so as it is an embarrassment to your family members.

We are supposed to pray away our illnesses and have the faith in God to overcome all obstacles that come our way. We have to pray against generation curses and spiritual enemies that come to us in the form of mental illness.

Scriptures are often quoted that make someone that is suffering from an illness feel like guilty for not knowing those bible verses and for not believing in the healing power of God.

I accept that prayer, meditation, mindfulness and all alternative therapies are good for ones well-being but they can’t be used as a substitute for treatment of illnesses which can potentially be life threatening.

Depression is an illness that seems to be only acceptable to people that are well off financially in certain places. Poorer people are not expected to say that they suffer from depression, they have too many other problems to worry about instead of wallowing in self pity.

There is so much stigma surrounding depression that stops black people from seeking proper medical treatment for mental health problems.

We are told we can make it through anything, our people survived slavery after all.

Some of the comments that put people off seeking treatment or talking about their health problems are these;

‘You shouldn’t be so weak, tell your problems to God and not a stranger, why are you seeing a therapist?’
‘Don’t take medication, it will make you crazy. People who take medication get worse anyway.’
‘What if you get sectioned? You could lose your children.’
‘Cheer up, there are people going through worse; think about the children that are starving in poorer parts of the world.’
‘You worry too much, you should learn to relax. What are you thinking of anyway?’
‘That is life, get over it!’

The people that choose to seek help and take medication or have therapy, do so in private without their family members knowing about it because It is never received well.

When people are struggling they do not need to be reminded of how strong they are or should be, it deters them from seeking the help that could benefit their health.

The rates of unexplained suicides has risen and in most cases a person will have been struggling with mental health issues but not talking about it because of fear of judgement and being seen as weak.

We need to be more understanding and supportive of each other and if people close to us show signs of depression or any mental health problems we need to be able to talk to them about it, not fob them off and tell them to snap out of it or tell them to be strong.

The new parent struggling to cope with their new born may not be lazy or unloving to their baby but they could be suffering from post-natal depression. Post-natal depression does not only affect first time mothers, it can affect them after the birth of a second or third child even though it didn’t happen with previous children and it can affect the fathers too. No new parent should feel embarrassed or ashamed to concede that they are struggling, and having postpartum depression does not make anyone a terrible parent.

One of the main reasons that people do not seek treatment for depression apart from the social stigma and discrimination is the high cost of medical treatment. When people can’t afford to pay for treatment for other common ailments, they do not feel that they should be complaining of ‘sadness’ and going to seek medical help for it.

Suppressing emotions is seen as a sign of strength but it is not. Identifying that you have a diagnosable illness and seeking help is being strong but we still have a long way to go in talking about mental health and understanding that there is treatment for illnesses.

Depression does not care if you are black or white, rich or poor, it doesn’t care about your gender, religious views, your weight or age. It can affect anyone and at anytime of their lives. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the earlier that treatment begins, the more successful it can be.

May 14, 2019May 14, 2019

Be Body Kind – Mental Health Awareness Week 13-19 May 2019

This week is Mental Health Awareness week and the theme is body image. Body image issues can affect anyone and at any stage in life and social media has played a big part in causing a lot of people to worry about their body image.

Our body image is what we reflect and how we feel when we look in the mirror or when we picture ourselves in our minds.

Body image issues can be about appearance and what you think about your body, such as your weight, height, colour. It can be how you feel within your own skin and it may be positive or negative.

Today, I am choosing to use my own experience in this topic as someone that has struggled with my own body image.

The picture above is of me and my son, four years apart.

In those 4 years, life has happened; mental health problems, losses and gains for both of us, as well as embarking on the long road to recovery.

Of-course I don’t do myself any favours by sharing pictures with those that I care about and think feel the same.

These pictures were compared in this way, with the caption ‘what happened to you’.

The first one was at my sons 18^th and we were happy.

The second one he was 22, on his graduation and and we were happy.

I said I didn’t understand, and they said; ‘well you have clearly put on a lot of weight from the last picture. What have you been doing to yourself? Surely you can work hard at looking like that again if you made the effort’.

Then it clicked; our milestones didn’t matter to them, it was the way I looked that they were interested in. And then it really started to bother me.

The extra pounds that I have gained over the years started to feel like hundreds, I started to ask myself if I could look better. But better than who? Better than what?

I had allowed someone to judge me by a picture, to justify myself to someone why I didn’t look the way they expected me to and it really did affect me, to the point that my self-confidence started to wane.

It took me a long time to recover from that, but I had to remind myself how far I had come in my recovery to allow that to affect me for too long.

When we continuously worry about how we look it can impact our self-esteem and confidence, and the media has a strong influence on what we think the standard body should look like.

Looking at ‘perfect’ pictures of others and then comparing them to ourselves only leads us to feel worse about ourselves and it is a practice that we need to stop.

When people are constantly plagued with negative thoughts and feelings about their bodies their likelihood to develop certain mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, depression and anxiety is high.

A negative body image may also lead to low self-esteem, which can affect many areas of your life and you may start to obsess constantly about what you eat, how much you exercise or even avoid certain people; but there are steps that you can take to develop a healthier body image.

The more you practice thinking positive thoughts about yourself and the fewer negative thoughts you have about your body, the better you will feel about who you are and how you look.

Working on accepting how you look is healthier than constantly working to change how you look. Always be kind to yourself and accept that a healthy body image is good for a healthy mind.

April 26, 2019April 25, 2019

Signs of depression to look out for and how to get help.

Depression affects approximately 1 in 4 people of the UK population. Many people suffer from depression but are unaware of the signs or may choose to ignore them in the hope that the feelings may pass.

It may also be a case of not wanting to accept a diagnosis of depression due to the stigma attached to it and the taking of antidepressants or it could be cultural reasons that are holding them back from acknowledging that they need help.

The longer that treatment is delayed, the more difficult it is for depression to be treated, with a higher chance of recurrence. It can also contribute to or worsen other medical conditions.

Here are some signs of depression that you may look out for and if you or someone close to you has experienced any of them for 2 weeks or longer it would be good to see your family doctor to discuss treatment.

Loss of interest in activities that one used to enjoy, loss of libido and being in an extended state of irritable mood.
Trouble remembering details or concentrating.
Unexplained feelings of fatigue or lack of energy over an extended period of time. Fatigue that is brought about by depression is not associated with other causes such as an increase in physical activity or other conditions.
Feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, worthlessness, and helplessness. When someone is depressed, these feelings occur nearly every day and can be severe enough to be delusional.
Hopelessness and Pessimism.
Oversleeping or insomnia.
Restlessness.
Loss of appetite or mindless comfort overeating.
Aches and pains that won’t go away.
Constant sad, anxious, or feelings of emptiness.
Suicidal thoughts or attempts and self-harming. A person suffering from depression may have recurrent deliberations of suicide or attempt suicide.

If you are feeling suicidal please get help by going to your A&E Department at the hospital or call 999 or call NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (Wales)

You may call the Samaritans on freephone 116 123 if you don’t want to go to A&E but want to talk to someone, they are open 24 hours.

You may also contact your GP for an emergency appointment or call the out of hors team.

There is help and treatment available, do not suffer in silence.

Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

March 5, 2019

You are strong for surviving

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.

Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.

We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”

Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

February 7, 2019

“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I had to contribute to the family during bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

January 11, 2019

Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.

January 1, 2019January 1, 2019

Happy New Year 2019

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” Tony Robbins

Now that we have rung in the New Year and have our shiny note books and diaries filled with New Year’s resolutions, we will be raring to go and ticking each resolution day by day.

Some people will start off the new year well and then ditch their New Year’s resolutions as they will be feeling that they are impractical and that they have aimed too high. This is also a reason why some people decide not to make any new years resolutions at all.

For those that have made resolutions, it is never going to be smooth sailing all the time. There will be a day when you don’t follow your resolutions to the smallest detail, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up or feel like a failure.

If for example, your plan was to exercise every day; it may be necessary to take a break or make a minor adjustment and train every other day than to scrap your idea to keep fit completely.

It always feels easier to bail out, give up and tell ourselves that we are failures, but there is no one on this earth that has never had a set back in their life and we need to know that they occur.

Making resolutions and achieving them is difficult enough, but if you suffer from anxiety it can be even more difficult. It is important to remind yourself that these feelings are common and everyone experiences them.

There are ways to help with setting goals and keeping them:

Set fewer goals and do a bit at a time

The fewer to do lists you have, the better the chance of you accomplishing your goals. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself for having a couple of bad days, but don’t give up and the more consistent you are, the better you become at accomplishing your tasks.

Learn to identify and avoid distractions

It is normal for us human beings to get sidetracked and when we do, we stay away from our work and neglect goals. After a few days break we tend to feel demotivated to continue with the tasks at hand and that is when we feel like we have failed. This should not be used as an excuse to not fulfil your dreams.

Surround yourself with people that believe in you

One of the best ways of helping yourself get over your fear and anxiety of working on and achieving your goals is to surround yourself with people who you trust, that believe in you and can be positive reinforcements to you. It doesn’t matter if its one person or a group of people, but it helps to have moral support and some accountability.

It doesn’t matter how much time it takes for you to achieve your goals but the most important thing to do is start today so that your dreams can become a reality. Take small steps, one day at a time and do not be hard on yourself when you need time out. It would be useful to identify your negative thoughts and accept that they are not a reflection of reality.

Go ahead, set your goals and have a fantastic 2019.

December 15, 2018December 15, 2018

Are You Pouring From An Empty Cup?

A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.

I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.

When I woke up, I started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to at least try.

I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.

After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.

I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.

It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.

I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.

I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.

So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.

It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.

You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.

You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.

Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.

Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.

You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists

Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.

Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.

November 13, 2018

Indoda Ayikhali – Men Dont Cry

‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)

Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.

Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.

Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.

Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.

Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.

Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.

Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.

This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.

There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.

Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.

Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.

What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!

Why do you want to adopt western values?

That is a rich man’s illness.

That is a white man’s illness.

Seriously, what has race got to do with it?

Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.

There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.

Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.

It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression

Changes in mood
Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
Drug abuse
Avoiding being with other people
Loss of libido
Constant complaints of fatigue
Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
Irritability
Sleeping too much or too little

Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:

Financial problems
Death of a loved one
Break ups
Relationship problems
Stress at work
Health problems
Loss of work or earnings

When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.

There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.

Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.