Category: Emotional wellness

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Signs of depression to look out for and how to get help.

Depression affects approximately 1 in 4 people of the UK population. Many people suffer from depression but are unaware of the signs or may choose to ignore them in the hope that the feelings may pass.

It may also be a case of not wanting to accept a diagnosis of depression due to the stigma attached to it and the taking of antidepressants or it could be cultural reasons that are holding them back from acknowledging that they need help.

The longer that treatment is delayed, the more difficult it is for depression to be treated, with a higher chance of recurrence. It can also contribute to or worsen other medical conditions.

Here are some signs of depression that you may look out for and if you or someone close to you has experienced any of them for 2 weeks or longer it would be good to see your family doctor to discuss treatment.

  • Loss of interest in activities that one used to enjoy, loss of libido and being in an extended state of irritable mood.
  • Trouble remembering details or concentrating.
  • Unexplained feelings of fatigue or lack of energy over an extended period of time. Fatigue that is brought about by depression is not associated with other causes such as an increase in physical activity or other conditions.
  • Feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, worthlessness, and helplessness. When someone is depressed, these feelings occur nearly every day and can be severe enough to be delusional.
  • Hopelessness and Pessimism.
  • Oversleeping or insomnia.
  • Restlessness.
  • Loss of appetite or mindless comfort overeating.
  • Aches and pains that won’t go away.
  • Constant sad, anxious, or feelings of emptiness.
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts and self-harming. A person suffering from depression may have recurrent deliberations of suicide or attempt suicide.

If you are feeling suicidal please get help by going to your  A&E Department at the hospital or call 999 or call NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (Wales)

You may call the Samaritans on freephone 116 123 if you don’t want to go to A&E but want to talk to someone, they are open 24 hours.

You may also contact your GP for an emergency appointment or call the out of hors team.

There is help and treatment available, do not suffer in silence.

 

Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

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You Are Enough, Just As You Are.

Your self-worth comes from accepting that you are enough just the way you are and you do not need validation from anyone else to make you feel good about yourself.

Sometimes we look for love or approval from other people and it affects us greatly when we can not stand up for ourselves by setting goals to what other people see as important.

No one is perfect, some may pretend to be, but you may not know the battles that they are facing; so instead of comparing yourself to others, live your life one day at a time and do what is best for you.

I am a great fan of poetry and the words in this one really resonated with me so I have decided to share it and hope it will bring inspiration to you.

 

A Creed To Live By

Don’t undermine your worth
by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different
that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what
other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future,
By living your life one day at a time.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give
nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is a fragile thread that binds each of us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast
that you forget not only where you have been
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race,
but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

– Nancye Sims

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But First…Love Yourself!

We are all capable of loving others and want to be loved back by those that we show love to. We love our families, children and our possessions but no one ever says that they love themselves because that will be considered as vanity.

There seems to be a big misconception that loving oneself is selfish but when you love yourself, you create positive thoughts about yourself which in turn creates a good ripple effect to how you are perceived by other people.

Self-love is about taking care of yourself, your emotions and pursuing the goals that you want to achieve or fulfilling the dreams that you have for yourself. It is about caring for your own happiness, health and well-being.

It comes naturally to us to be sympathetic and compassionate to someone else’s problems or shortcomings, but when we make mistakes or get rejected, we tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to practise the same compassion on ourselves.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we are destroying our self-love. We usually take our biggest flaws and compare them to someone’s success which leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and that leads to self-loathing.

Instead of beating yourself up, learn to spend your time and energy doing things that enable you to create healthier habits, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

We are responsible for the way that we feel, and we need to realise that no matter how well we know someone we can never really know how they are feeling, what they are going through, what is going on in their lives or how they have achieved what you are comparing yourself with and if they are even happy where they are.

We do not need to love everything about ourselves to develop self-love, but we need to start by being aware of our strengths and weaknesses and being able to accept our capabilities and our deficiencies despite our past behaviours and choices.

It is acceptable to find the good in yourself because when you love yourself, you accept all your flaws and it will become easier to love and accept other people for who they are.

You will also realise that you do not need to change yourself to fit in with certain people because you will be drawn to the people that accept and are confident of themselves as you are.

Love yourself first and you will have enough love to go around, but if you try to love others and put their needs before yours, you will feel rejected and used when those people do not return your favours.

 

 

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Are you depending on other people for your happiness?

All of us want to be happy and all of us deserve to be happy.

There are many things in our lives that bring us joy; our families, friendships, partnerships, possessions and jobs.

We all need to give and get support from others, but how much do we rely on the people around us for our inner happiness? How much are we attached to the things that we believe bring us happiness?

It is good to have healthy relationships and healthy attachments with people so that when they are not around, you can still function and progress on your own.

When you are emotionally dependent on your children and they grow up and leave home, you will be left with a void that can’t be filled. It is best for parents not to “live for their kids”, find new interests and hobbies so that when the time comes, they do not get deeply affected by the changes.

According to research (Psychology Today), Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) that persists for a long time ends up developing into depression.

Sometimes the children do not turn out to be what the parents expected them to become and it leaves them feeling resentful and betrayed because they projected the children to be their source of happiness.

When you are attached to a partner and the relationship ends, it takes away a significant part of you because you would have been living a life based on feeding your need to be wanted.

If you have friends and you find yourself getting upset when you discover that they are attending an event that you haven’t been invited to, then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

You have to understand and accept that people can be friends with you and acquainted with others; and vice versa. They may be friendly with other workmates or parents at their children’s schools and they do not need a green light from you to go where they are invited.

Maybe they just want a break from you and your neediness, and so they  choose to go with other people.

Here are some of the signs that you may be relying on other people to make you happy:

  • Do you find it difficult to be alone and get anxious when people don’t respond to your calls?
  • Do you feel hurt when people you consider to be friends don’t invite you to a party or social event?
  • Do you feel good when you are getting approval and praise from people around you but feel dispirited when you don’t?
  • Do you feel neglected when your partner is out with his/her friends or workmates?
  • Do you find someone sitting quietly and assume that they are upset with you about something even though they are just reflecting?
  • When you are in a romantic relationship do you feel that you can’t live without the person you are dating?
  • Do you think that your partner or children should always be there for you even when they have other things going on in their lives?

 

There is a difference between loving someone and being needy. When you abandon yourself and expect other people to fill your inner void you will become dependent on their company to feel good.

No one should enter into any form of relationship with someone and expect to be instantly fixed of their emotional baggage. You have to be ready to stand on your own first before you allow people into your life so that they do not influence your decisions.

All grow-ups need to take responsibility for their physical and emotional well-being and not depend on others to make it worthwhile for them.

You have to learn to create your own happiness, fall in love with yourself first then you won’t need to be so dependent on other people. In fact, you will be able to love others freely and be able to let go without losing a part of yourself.

You should not be relying on anyone to make you happy.

 

 

 

 

 

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“Most days I am strong, some days, not at all.”

For the best part of my life, I never allowed myself a moment of weakness. I am the first-born, a mother and honorary parent to 3 of my siblings and a provider for my mother, who all live in Africa while I am in the UK.

Year after year, I had to listen to their demands and help out. Saying no to anything was never an option.

I had to find a way to pay that bill they had defaulted on so that they didn’t have their electricity or water cut off.

I had to contribute to the family crowd fund for the uncle that had been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I  had to contribute to the family during  bereavements, irrespective of if the deceased had a funeral policy, it’s just the decent thing to do.

As soon as I posted a holiday picture or a picture of a night out, the requests came in. The strange thing is, it was never demanded but asked in a way that made me feel guilty for living my life.

But one day, I reached breaking point. I was struggling with my health, physically and mentally.

It took me a while to realise what was happening to me because I thought was Superwoman.

I didn’t have the time to be ill, too many people were counting on me and no way was I going to be lying here feeling sorry for myself. I needed to get up and work and do the tasks that I needed to do.

But I couldn’t.

Getting up for work became a challenge, driving became a chore. Stopping for petrol was terrifying and answering the phone was even worse.

It felt like my life was being taken over, I was tired all the time, I slept all the time.

I was sad all the time and angry most times and constantly under a fog that I couldn’t even shake off.

I lost confidence in myself and I just could not do anything to help myself.

The days went quickly and became just a blur and all I could think of was that I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I avoided talking to people and to the ones I spoke to, I said I was fine. I really felt like I was letting everybody down by being ill but never at one time did I think of myself. Just others.

When I finally realised that I needed help, and got the treatment that has helped me a great deal, I knew that I had to adjust my way of life.

I learnt that no matter how hard it was, I have to try to put my needs first, that is why I am such a fan of the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Recovery and rediscovery has been a very important part of my life in the last 18 months.

Most days I am strong, but some days, not at all.

There are days  when I am up early and raring to go and there are days where I struggle to even get out of bed.

There are times when I write an article and it takes me at least an hour tops to publish, and there are times when it takes me over two weeks to articulate myself in my writing.

I have learnt that I have to listen to my body and not work overtime when I don’t need to.

I have learnt that I can say no to a request and not lose sleep over it.

I have learnt that I can sleep and not feel guilty for switching off my phone.

I know that whatever happens now, I can take one day at a time and that my mental health is just as important as my physical health.

We watch what we eat, exercise and even take supplements to enhance our physical health and its heavily advertised but but mental health issues are always talked about behind closed doors.

We need to make time for therapeutic activities such as mindfulness, relaxation, personal care and getting in touch with nature.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we are to others.

 

 

 

 

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“I am fine, thank you.”

The stigma surrounding mental health and other illnesses stops people from sharing how they feel with the ones close to them.

I am one person that advocates for talking about mental health, but over time I have realised that some people who haven’t experienced any mental health problems are rarely sympathetic and feel like you should snap out of it and get on with other things to forget about what you are thinking about.

As soon as you mention depression, anxiety or ptsd, you are labelled as an attention seeker.

How then is one expected to open up about what they are going through when its not even taken seriously?

How do you answer a question like, ‘so when will you get better or will you be depressed all your life?’

The only time someone is taken seriously is when they have a public meltdown but not everyone that has mental health problems will breakdown in that kind of way. It can be experienced in many different ways, for instance;

  • Tiredness and loss of energy
  • Sadness that doesn’t go away for a long time
  • Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
  • Difficulty concentrating even on simple tasks
  • Not being able to find pleasure in things that you used to enjoy
  • Constantly feeling anxious

Not too long ago, I was sitting with someone and they asked me where I had been as they had not seen or heard from me for a while. As I spoke to them, they rolled their eyes, then they said you know, “you cant be taking every diagnosis that the doctor gives you seriously. Just listen and walk away. If I had listened to doctors, I would be having a list of ailments that I have to think of and hundreds of pills to take, but I rebuke them in Jesus’s name and I am well’.

She went on for a while about how she deals with her life and that she will never allow an illness to control her life and urged me to do the same.

I started wishing that I had just said ‘I am fine thanks, and you?’ and moved on, which is what a lot of people with mental health problems end up resorting to.

photo cred. -slideplayer
– Hello, how are you I am fine, thank you! And you

We still have a long way to go in educating people about mental health, especially in ethnic minority communities where culture, religion and social stigma play a big part in peoples lives.

It is not a weakness to accept your diagnosis and be treated for whatever illness you are suffering from, no matter how minor you think that it is.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!

 

 

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Is the company you keep making you sick?

Our friends and family are the people we reach out to when we want company, a listening ear or just a chat but some of these relationships can have negative effects on our mental health.

No one wants to be a ‘Billy no mates’ but is it worth holding on to certain people or relationships if they do not make us feel good?

Generally, we all want a stress-free life and sometimes it is easy to just let things go than to address them, sometimes we don’t even notice certain behaviours until they have become the norm and by then may be difficult to deal with them.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour to fit in with certain people?

We have a right to our individuality and when you find yourself altering yourself to fit in with a friend or friends then you need to re evaluate that relationship.

Friends should accept you as you are, as you should them but if they are dominant and you find it easier to just go with the flow than to express yourself, then you need new friends that won’t make you feel like that.

You shouldn’t stress more over your companion’s endorsement than your very own opinions and beliefs.

 

Real friends who care about your mental health and well-being don’t;

 

  • Constantly reprimand you or bring you down, instead they should help lift your spirits than to scold you or criticise you in a bad way. There is a difference in giving advice and being patronising.

 

  • Make jokes about you that make you feel uncomfortable, then accuse you of not being able to take a joke. You cannot be the butt of someone’s jokes especially if they are personal and they get a kick out of doing that in public. You should not feel anxious about spending time with people that you consider to be friends.

 

  • Invade your personal space and force you to hang out when you don’t feel up to it and accuse you of being a party pooper. We all have good and bad days and our friends should be understanding when we don’t want to go out. When someone politely declines an invitation, respect that!

 

  • Make backhanded comments; for instance, you have a haircut and your friend says why did you cut your hair? It makes your ears look bigger, I actually prefer you with your hair done this way or that way. That does nothing for your self-esteem, and you cannot constantly tweak your self to fit in with people and stay sane.

 

  • Make you choose between your partner, other friends and them. You can be friends with more than one person and should not be dictated to who you should make acquaintance with or not.

Friendships should be fun and nurturing and when you feel drained by them perhaps you need to think of making changes to certain relationships. If anyone makes you question your self worth, constantly makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to them and if they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and treat you better, then you should consider staying away from those people.

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Are You Pouring From An Empty Cup?

A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin to watch her two children perform in a play and gladly accepted.

I was so looking forward to it and in the morning of the event, I woke up and went to the gym then came back home to have my breakfast.

Soon after breakfast, I felt nauseas and then got physically sick, so I decided to lie down and have a rest.

When I woke up, I  started to panic because I was counting down to the time of the play and although I knew that I wasn’t well enough to drive there, I didn’t want to disappoint my family and wanted to  at least try.

I hesitated to inform my cousin because a part of me really wanted to go and I felt guilty for cancelling at the last minute, but in the end, I called her and she was very understanding.

After I cancelled, I felt immense relief that I didn’t have to get dressed and drive and I started to ask myself why it had taken me so long to cancel and just rest.

I realised that while i was feeling poorly, I wanted to go to the play because I didn’t want to disappoint my family.

It felt easier for me to go in the state I was in, than to pick up the phone and give an excuse.

I started reflecting on how much I take on because I don’t like to say no and instead end up overwhelmed with tasks that leave me exhausted and unhappy at times.

I realised that the people who do care about my well-being will understand if I can’t do something, so I don’t need to get myself into a panic when it comes to telling them so.

You can not pour from an empty cup

So many of us overstretch ourselves to cater for others and most times get no appreciation for it.

It is necessary to get into the habit of checking how full your cup is, as you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours has run dry.

You can do this by practising self-care and listening to your body. If you are constantly feeling tired you are probably running on empty.

You have to learn to put yourself first; contrary to popular belief, it is not selfish to do so.

Show yourself some love before you carry everyone else’s burdens. You can’t look after other people when you neglect yourself.

Tidy up your environment, eat well, sleep well and ensure you get plenty of rest.

You can pace yourself when it comes to doing tasks and have realistic to do lists

Machines need regular maintenance and servicing to ensure that they work properly, the mind and body are the same.

Make sure your cup is full before you pour into someone else’s.

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Mental Health – How to identity and avoid triggers

When most  people are recovering from mental illness their condition becomes more manageable. It is however important to understand that recovery is an ongoing process and that it is normal to have difficulties and setbacks along the way.

When you have achieved some stability and understand your illness and how to manage it, you have to identify what you need to do in order to stay well.

There are things in our lives that can accelerate mental health problems or impede on recovery.

Below are some examples:

Alcohol

Alcohol affects the nervous system and causes moods to fluctuate.

It is important to limit or avoid alcohol because mental health problems not only result from drinking too much alcohol, they can also cause people to drink too much and make their problems worse. Some people tend to self-medicate with alcohol so that they can sleep or numb their feelings, but then they may wake up feeling worse because alcohol is a depressant which causes moods to fluctuate.

Stress

Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions.

Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions. Sometimes we set unrealistic deadlines at work or overcommit to our families and not leave enough time for ourselves, then we end up getting stressed. Financial worries can cause stress and some stress can be a cause of mental conditions, but some can make it worse. It is important to identify potential stressors in your life in order to help with your recovery.

Over the counter medication

Taking unprescribed over the counter medications can be as detrimental as not getting treatment.

Most people are not comfortable talking to doctors or taking prescribed medications, so they end up buying over the counter medication to help with their symptoms but that can be as dangerous as not treating it at all. When you see a medical professional, they always ask if you are taking other medication so that they do not prescribe to you something that will counteract with the other. So, when you take other medication that is not prescribed to you, you could make your symptoms worse or take something completely harmful to your health.

Negative thoughts

Negative thoughts and negative company can make you feel worthless

It is common for people with mental health problems to experience negative thoughts and feelings which include but are not limited to sadness, guilt, helplessness and worthlessness and find them hard to shake off which can have detrimental effects on how they function in everyday life.

Negative thoughts can be draining and have you in a constant state of fight or flight which can leave you extremely fatigued.

Isolation

Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawing and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health

The stigma surrounding mental health can cause somebody with mental health problems to isolate themselves. When someone feels unwanted or unloved, they stay away from people and at times they are just unmotivated to be in social situations.

When one has encountered negative or judgemental people it is natural to prefer to be alone. Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawal and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health as it can contribute to cardiovascular disease and insomnia which affects how the immune system functions.

Not taking care of yourself

Rest and recharge, the mind needs just as much rest as the body.

Some illnesses may require you to just take medication but mental illness like depression needs you to look after your  physical well-being as well.

Self-care is paramount in recovery, one needs to learn and identify what is good and works for them.

Personal care and a clean environment goes a long way in assisting in recovery.

You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise and hydrate, as it has a direct impact on your physical and emotional well being.

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Indoda Ayikhali – Men Dont Cry

‘Indoda Ayikhali’ (Men don’t cry)

Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.

Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.

Men are expected hide their weaknesses.

Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.

Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.

Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.

Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.

Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.

This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.

There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.

Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.

Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.

Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.

What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!

Why do you want to adopt western values?

That is a rich man’s illness.

That is a white man’s illness.

Seriously, what has race got to do with it?

Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.

There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.

Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.

It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression

  • Changes in mood
  • Irresponsible behaviour –picking fights, gambling, excessive drinking
  • Drug abuse
  • Avoiding being with other people
  • Loss of libido
  • Constant complaints of fatigue
  • Loss of appetite or overeating unhealthy food
  • Irritability
  • Sleeping too much or too little

Some of the triggers to depression can be due to:

  • Financial problems
  • Death of a loved one
  • Break ups
  • Relationship problems
  • Stress at work
  • Health problems
  • Loss of work or earnings

When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.

There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.

Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.