The stigma surrounding mental health and other illnesses stops people from sharing how they feel with the ones close to them.
I am one person that advocates for talking about mental health, but over time I have realised that some people who haven’t experienced any mental health problems are rarely sympathetic and feel like you should snap out of it and get on with other things to forget about what you are thinking about.
As soon as you mention depression, anxiety or ptsd, you are labelled as an attention seeker.
How then is one expected to open up about what they are going through when its not even taken seriously?
How do you answer a question like, ‘so when will you get better or will you be depressed all your life?’
The only time someone is taken seriously is when they have a public meltdown but not everyone that has mental health problems will breakdown in that kind of way. It can be experienced in many different ways, for instance;
Tiredness and loss of energy
Sadness that doesn’t go away for a long time
Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem
Difficulty concentrating even on simple tasks
Not being able to find pleasure in things that you used to enjoy
Constantly feeling anxious
Not too long ago, I was sitting with someone and they asked me where I had been as they had not seen or heard from me for a while. As I spoke to them, they rolled their eyes, then they said you know, “you cant be taking every diagnosis that the doctor gives you seriously. Just listen and walk away. If I had listened to doctors, I would be having a list of ailments that I have to think of and hundreds of pills to take, but I rebuke them in Jesus’s name and I am well’.
She went on for a while about how she deals with her life and that she will never allow an illness to control her life and urged me to do the same.
I started wishing that I had just said ‘I am fine thanks, and you?’ and moved on, which is what a lot of people with mental health problems end up resorting to.
– Hello, how are you I am fine, thank you! And you
We still have a long way to go in educating people about mental health, especially in ethnic minority communities where culture, religion and social stigma play a big part in peoples lives.
It is not a weakness to accept your diagnosis and be treated for whatever illness you are suffering from, no matter how minor you think that it is.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is!
“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”Tony Robbins
Now that we have rung in the New Year and have our shiny note books and diaries filled with New Year’s resolutions, we will be raring to go and ticking each resolution day by day.
Some people will start off the new year well and then ditch their New Year’s resolutions as they will be feeling that they are impractical and that they have aimed too high. This is also a reason why some people decide not to make any new years resolutions at all.
For those that have made resolutions, it is never going to be smooth sailing all the time. There will be a day when you don’t follow your resolutions to the smallest detail, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up or feel like a failure.
If for example, your plan was to exercise every day; it may be necessary to take a break or make a minor adjustment and train every other day than to scrap your idea to keep fit completely.
It always feels easier to bail out, give up and tell ourselves that we are failures, but there is no one on this earth that has never had a set back in their life and we need to know that they occur.
Making resolutions and achieving them is difficult enough, but if you suffer from anxiety it can be even more difficult. It is important to remind yourself that these feelings are common and everyone experiences them.
There are ways to help with setting goals and keeping them:
Set fewer goals and do a bit at a time
The fewer to do lists you have, the better the chance of you accomplishing your goals. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself for having a couple of bad days, but don’t give up and the more consistent you are, the better you become at accomplishing your tasks.
Learn to identify and avoid distractions
It is normal for us human beings to get sidetracked and when we do, we stay away from our work and neglect goals. After a few days break we tend to feel demotivated to continue with the tasks at hand and that is when we feel like we have failed. This should not be used as an excuse to not fulfil your dreams.
Surround yourself with people that believe in you
One of the best ways of helping yourself get over your fear and anxiety of working on and achieving your goals is to surround yourself with people who you trust, that believe in you and can be positive reinforcements to you. It doesn’t matter if its one person or a group of people, but it helps to have moral support and some accountability.
It doesn’t matter how much time it takes for you to achieve your goals but the most important thing to do is start today so that your dreams can become a reality. Take small steps, one day at a time and do not be hard on yourself when you need time out. It would be useful to identify your negative thoughts and accept that they are not a reflection of reality.
Go ahead, set your goals and have a fantastic 2019.
When most people are recovering from mental illness their condition becomes more manageable. It is however important to understand that recovery is an ongoing process and that it is normal to have difficulties and setbacks along the way.
When you have achieved some stability and understand your illness and how to manage it, you have to identify what you need to do in order to stay well.
There are things in our lives that can accelerate mental health problems or impede on recovery.
Below are some examples:
Alcohol
Alcohol affects the nervous system and causes moods to fluctuate.
It is important to limit or avoid alcohol because mental health problems not only result from drinking too much alcohol, they can also cause people to drink too much and make their problems worse. Some people tend to self-medicate with alcohol so that they can sleep or numb their feelings, but then they may wake up feeling worse because alcohol is a depressant which causes moods to fluctuate.
Stress
Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions.
Stress can be overwhelming, it can cause anxiety and aggravate existing conditions. Sometimes we set unrealistic deadlines at work or overcommit to our families and not leave enough time for ourselves, then we end up getting stressed. Financial worries can cause stress and some stress can be a cause of mental conditions, but some can make it worse. It is important to identify potential stressors in your life in order to help with your recovery.
Over the counter medication
Taking unprescribed over the counter medications can be as detrimental as not getting treatment.
Most people are not comfortable talking to doctors or taking prescribed medications, so they end up buying over the counter medication to help with their symptoms but that can be as dangerous as not treating it at all. When you see a medical professional, they always ask if you are taking other medication so that they do not prescribe to you something that will counteract with the other. So, when you take other medication that is not prescribed to you, you could make your symptoms worse or take something completely harmful to your health.
Negative thoughts
Negative thoughts and negative company can make you feel worthless
It is common for people with mental health problems to experience negative thoughts and feelings which include but are not limited to sadness, guilt, helplessness and worthlessness and find them hard to shake off which can have detrimental effects on how they function in everyday life.
Negative thoughts can be draining and have you in a constant state of fight or flight which can leave you extremely fatigued.
Isolation
Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawing and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health
The stigma surrounding mental health can cause somebody with mental health problems to isolate themselves. When someone feels unwanted or unloved, they stay away from people and at times they are just unmotivated to be in social situations.
When one has encountered negative or judgemental people it is natural to prefer to be alone. Choosing to be alone and have some downtime is fine but withdrawal and isolation can be detrimental to one’s health as it can contribute to cardiovascular disease and insomnia which affects how the immune system functions.
Not taking care of yourself
Rest and recharge, the mind needs just as much rest as the body.
Some illnesses may require you to just take medication but mental illness like depression needs you to look after your physical well-being as well.
Self-care is paramount in recovery, one needs to learn and identify what is good and works for them.
Personal care and a clean environment goes a long way in assisting in recovery.
You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise and hydrate, as it has a direct impact on your physical and emotional well being.
Growing up in a Black African home that is all I ever heard and grew up believing, that showing emotions is for the weak.
Our fathers, brothers and uncles were raised to be protectors, to act tough and hide their weaknesses. They were expected to be fixers when the family had problems and be fearless in dealing with them.
Men are expected hide their weaknesses.
Men who show their emotions are seen as weak, but men suffer mentally and emotionally as much as women, they just don’t show it as it is not socially acceptable to do so.
Most men with mental health illnesses deal with them by disconnecting themselves from people because they feel that is the manly thing to do.
Some bottle it up and ‘get on with it’ or even joke about it but not accept that there is a problem.
Sometimes they deal with it differently by being defensive, lashing out, acting irritably and refusing to cooperate with others.
Men are raised to behave a certain way, even women do not want to be involved with a man that they see as weak, so men bottle their feelings and hide their shortcomings.
This gender stereotype has led to a lot of young men taking their lives because they feel like they have failed their loved ones.
There is too much pressure to ‘man up’ that people do not seek the help they need.
Two thirds of the world’s suicides are committed by men because they are too ashamed to talk and get the help that they need.
Culturally, there are also some limitations when it comes to dealing with depression and other mental illnesses.
Sometimes illnesses are blamed on witchcraft and go untreated because they do not believe that it is medical.
What is depression they say? Stop being lazy!
Why do you want to adopt western values?
That is a rich man’s illness.
That is a white man’s illness.
Seriously, what has race got to do with it?
Do not stop taking your medication without supervision.
There is also a big misconception that medication makes people worse so those that are diagnosed avoid taking their medication or stop without supervision, only to make their symptoms worse.
Some men refuse to confront their mental conditions as they are convinced that they will be judged negatively by their loved ones.
It is hard for a man to admit he is suffering from a cold so how can he tell anyone that he is struggling with depression. They are told to ‘man up’ and deal with it.
There are some symptoms to look for when someone is struggling with depression
When men struggle with depression, they find it hard to share it with anyone for fear of being judged. It takes a lot of strength to own up to shortcomings and vulnerabilities and take the proper steps toward doing something about it.
There is help and support for mental health problems. If you or your loved ones are experiencing any of the symptoms for prolonged periods of time it is advisable to see a medical professional.
Let us encourage boys and men to talk about their mental health and get the help that they need.
Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is.
Prayer is good, mediation helps but we can not pray away mental illnesses. While it may be comforting to ‘take our troubles to the Lord in prayer’, it is also important that we seek medical help for health conditions.
We can not pray away mental illness
There are some people that pray relentlessly for healing but not get healed. What do you think goes through those peoples minds when they do not get better after prayer? A lot of times people start to feel like failures, that they have sinned and do not deserve to get healed from their sickness.
Let us encourage loved ones that are suffering, especially with mental health conditions to seek medical help, then we can pray with them; if that is what you do and it is within their beliefs.
This morning I read that Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills, Chino, California had taken his life after battling depression and anxiety. He was only 30 years old, leaving behind a wife and 3 sons.
Pastor Andrew Stoecklein of Inland Hills Church took his life after battling with anxiety and depression. (Inland Hills Church)
This is not a man who didn’t know how to pray. He prayed with and for other people as well as teach. He was a leader that was looked upon as a responsible person in society and religious communities but he suffered from depression.
He probably couldn’t share what was really troubling him as everyone looked to him for answers. It can get very lonely at the top.
His church announced, “In his time leading Inland Hills, Andrew reached so many with his warm wit, passionate heart for God, and teaching that always, always pointed others to Jesus. The loving husband, father, son, and friend that he was will continue to inspire us in leading others into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ,”
Mental illness should not be considered as demonic, it is a reality. It is a dysfunction rooted in the structure of the personality and most times caused by traumatic, physical or psychological experiences or genetic imbalances. In most cases medication can help a person lead an almost normal life.
The churches need to step up and teach their congregants about mental health and the help they can get professionally. If people can seek medical help for all other illnesses they should be encouraged to do so for their mental health, then the in-house counselling can be offered. People should not be afraid to reach out when they are suffering.
Let us continue to talk about mental health and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
The Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams, who has previously spoken about her depression and feeling suicidal has checked into a mental health facility for treatment.
Singer Michelle Williams is seeking help for depression
It is not very easy for people of colour to talk about their feelings especially when struggling with depression. Their symptoms are usually attributed to weakness, laziness and attention seeking.
Most times, we only find out when someone has taken their own life that they have been suffering in silence. Michelle has shown immense strength in speaking out and and hopefully it will encourage other people to seek the help that they need.
The 37 year old singer confirmed on her social media pages;
There are people who will say Michelle Williams has had a great life, successful career and recently got engaged to her fiancee; what has she got to be depressed about?
But, depression is not about how much or how little you have. It is a neurological disease associated with the dysfunction of specific brain regions and not simply a consequence of a bad lifestyle and psychological weakness.
Depression brings feelings of sadness and a loss of interest in activities that one once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.
Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:
Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite and weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide
The stigma surrounding mental health can worsen someone’s problems and impede their recovery. It affects their employability and social inclusion in mainstream society.
People are encouraged to talk about how they feel, but the greatest difficulty is finding who to talk to and who to trust.
Today social media is abuzz with all the support for Michelle Williams, she has done the right thing in taking time to focus on her recovery as she has been struggling for a while but; she didn’t stop encouraging others’ to take care of their mental health.
Let us continue to talk about it and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.
We are all guilty of holding on to things that we treasure; keepsakes, books, art and our children’s first drawings to name a few. Over time, these things accumulate and it can be a challenge to get rid of them.
There are people who find it easy to get rid of things that they no longer need and there are people who can not bear to part with even a piece of paper where they scribbled information which they will never need to use again.
There are different types of clutter, physical, emotional or mental, social, and digital clutter.
Physical clutter
Physical Clutter, lots of things lying around
This is the most common and visible form of what people can identify as clutter. Its the stuff that can be packed away if there is space; books can be placed on a shelf, shoes on a rack, clothes can be packed in drawers if folded or hung up in a wardrobe and toys can be put in a box.
This clutter weighs us down and causes us to be antisocial because we do not want people to come into our house and see the mess, also it becomes difficult to leave the house because one feels guilty for enjoying other things instead of tidying up but still they never get round to doing it.
It is very draining to be in such an environment as the atmosphere starts to feel very heavy and most times the person will feel fatigued before they even start, so its left for another day.
Physical clutter affects children in a negative way; children that live in messy houses are prone to health conditions due to leaving in an unhygienic place. They can’t have their friends over to play at short notice, and it also affects their attention span as their living and playing space is restricted because of all the clutter around them.
Have you ever been to someones house and there was nowhere to sit that they needed to start moving things off the settee just to make room? Or tried to help someone clean up and almost fallen out because you insisted they throw away certain things that have been in a particular place for years and never been used?
This constant holding on to possessions is what causes people to become hoarders. Not all hoarders live in squalor and smelly houses with dead animals and bad sanitation like we see on TV programmes.
Some people hold on to so much stuff because they fear that they may need it someday. The person may keep the items for reasons that are not obvious to other people, such as for sentimental reasons.
Some people may buy clothes especially in sales and not wear them but keep them in case they need them at some other time. They may have lots of dresses, bags and shoes that they do not have any space for them and end up moving them from place to place. They also tend to buy more clothes if they are going somewhere because they have so many things and they don’t know where to begin looking.
Emotional or Mental Clutter
Mental Clutter – Big Stock
Emotional or mental clutter is the clutter that we can not see. It is the thoughts that hold us back and make life hard and complicated. This may be tied to feelings of guilt over something we wanted to do but didn’t get round to doing it, regret over an unfinished course, unmet deadlines, unreached goals or people we wanted to see but couldn’t make it.
The fear of pursuing your dreams or worrying about what people will say when you do is also a form of mental clutter. It is difficult to reach your true potential when you go through those type of emotions. People end up being stuck in a rut and not being able to pursue their careers or make positive changes in their lives.
When you have mental clutter, it is difficult to experience clarity, peace and love. It occupies your thoughts and and gradually makes you believe that the negative thoughts in your mind are real. This causes insecurities and holds you back from living life to your full potential.
Social Clutter
Social Clutter – you don’t have to follow the mob
Sometimes we are in relationships that no longer add to our lives but drain us instead. We stay with the same groups of people even though we have grown apart, stick to the same routines that we get no enjoyment out of because it is the norm or trend just to fit in. Sometimes we give so much more of ourselves than we can, getting nothing in return or being mistreated and sometimes we commit ourselves to events that we do not have any desire to be in the first place because of fear.
It is hard but useful to distance yourself from negative talk and people that bring you down. Toxic relationships end up making you insecure and causing you to limit yourself from getting good opportunities.
Digital Clutter
Digital clutter
In this age of digitalisation, our mobile phones, iPads and computers have apps that we download and we think are good idea to have but never get round to using. We bookmark things that we never go back to read or delete on our computers and that creates a lot of clutter.
Some people do not check their emails or filter junk post and they get overwhelmed when they go into their emails. We take hundreds of pictures on our phones but do not delete them or move them to a memory stick and we end up scrolling through thousands of pictures while looking for just one suitable one.
It causes anxiety to realise that you have months worth of mail and you have missed payments or important correspondence because of not clearing your digital clutter.
There are many reasons that lead to people living cluttered lives. Our past events, childhood experiences, religious beliefs, cultural beliefs and traumatic events all play a part in what we do in our lives.
Some people may have suffered an illness where they find it difficult to tidy up their things or are lonely and just feel emotionally attached to certain objects as a way of comfort. After a bereavement certain stuff is kept because of its sentimental value and the feeling that if they throw away the things, they are throwing away all their memories of their loved one.
Sometimes the behaviour is adopted from parents that hoard things but most times it is the opposite, whereby if a parent was compulsive about cleanliness, a child may rebel later in life because they finally have no one to tell them what to do.
Some people were just not taught or learned the skills of maintaining a tidy environment and others struggle with depression or anxiety that causes them to lose interest in day to day activities.
There are instances where the clutter is manageable and someones surroundings can be cleared but it can also get to a point where the problem is bigger than lack of time and a person is not prepared to accept help clearing up because they are afraid that the helper may throw away their stuff.
It becomes a fire and trip hazard when someone has collected too much stuff, especially the elderly but it is important to be patient and understanding because there may be a lot of reasons why that person is behaving in that way and not rush in to throw away their stuff and cause more harm than good.
It is pointless to clear out someone’s house on their behalf because if they do not get rid of their possessions themselves they will not have participated in the decluttering so will learn nothing from it. They have to be ready and willing to make the change and they should not be encouraged to put things in storage either because they will continue accumulating things and end up being worse off.
Over the last few months I have gained a significant amount of weight but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges of being a big girl in a vain world.
Its bad enough shopping for clothes or squeezing myself into control pants and almost fainting from the pressure while I drive, then to bump into someone that says, ‘Gosh you have gained so much weight!’.
Me at the African Women’s Dinner 2018
How about hello, how are you?
I know I have gained weight; that cutting of my spanks reminds me of it every second that I am standing with you and dying to take it off.
Generally people are not kind to overweight people, they have been conditioned to resent people when they are overweight because there is a misconception that those people are irresponsible, they over eat and don’t look after themselves.
But weight gain is not only about eating, an imbalance in hormones can make it difficult for you to lose weight even if your are eating healthy.
Hormones control inflammation, metabolism and uptake of glucose in the body which plays a big part in weight gain. (these will be addressed in another post)
Women tend to suffer from more stress which impacts on their well being by releasing much higher levels of stress hormones. When women suffer from depression, instead of reducing sleep and the amounts they eat, they start to eat and sleep more, increasing their carbohydrate intake which results in significant weight gain.
The more weight they put on, the more guilty they become.
They become helpless, feel like failures and turn to food for comfort which leads to more weight gain.
There are so many challenges that come with being “the big girl” or boy.
A lot of overweight people pretend to be happy about their weight when they are in public, they can be the life and soul of the party but suffer when they are on their own.
People think you eat too much and even when you are hungry, you are mindful of being watched when you eat because people do comment “ahh all that food, no wonder why you put on weight”.
Where I come from, weight gain is linked to having a good life. It is assumed that you eat well and have spare cash to help other people so no one will understand you may be having health problems.
Some people are on medications that cause them to gain weight. Certain steroids and antidepressants cause weight gain. Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction comes with weight gain.
People tend to watch what they say when they come across someone that has lost a lot of weight than one that has gained weight. It is important to be mindful of what we say to each other, big, small, tall or short.
Not all illnesses are visible, be patient and kind always.
