BREAKING STIGMA | Beyond The Shade

July 20, 2018

Discipline does not have to hurt

Spare the rod and spoil the child

Now this is one popular saying that most of my peers will be able to relate to.

Growing up we were disciplined with the cane, a smack if you were close enough, a wooden spoon if you happened to be in the kitchen, a rubber slipper, a belt or even a punch if you misbehaved, broke rules or disrespected your parents.

That could have been anything from breaking glass, playing outside past your curfew, getting grades that were lower than your parents expected you to get, talking to boys, answering back, even interrupting grownups talking and getting low grades.

Teachers disciplined you at school and if your parents heard about it, you could get another beating from them. We had popular headmasters and teachers that were known for giving the best or ‘worst’ beatings in my opinion and some people still thank them today for the way they helped them shape their lives.

How does being beaten by someone else shape your life? In my opinion, it forces people into submission when they are with a person they regard as authority and teaches them that hitting other people is a way to deal with their anger.

Spare the rod and spoil the wife

As people get older and have their own relationships and children, they adopt the traits of their parents that you can discipline someone by laying a hand on them.

I remember my friends avoiding their older brothers if we went out because they were afraid of them. Why? Most likely because they had the parents blessing to discipline the younger siblings.

Women stick around in abusive relationships because they saw their mothers stay when their fathers beat them.

They stick around because they were beaten by their parents and often they were told it was done out of love. If they did not love them they would not bother correcting them.

When a woman feels oppressed in a marriage or and walks away from being abused, she is encouraged to talk to her elders who in turn urge her to return to her marital home and put up with it; as we all know, marriage is not easy, you adapt and get used to the person you are with and you have to stay for the sake of the children.

There are men who stay in relationships where they are emotionally and verbally abused, for the same reasons as women. It also could be that there are children involved and they do not want to be caught up in a custody battle. Sometimes they do not even realise that they are in an abusive relationship because they have been raised in a similar environment, so they just put up with it.

man couple people woman — Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

The need to show who is the boss

I befriended a young lady that lived in a flat above me with her partner a few years ago. They painted a happy picture, such a lovely couple, but almost every weekend there were cries from her flat when she was being beaten. She refused to talk about it when we met.

They eventually went separate ways but the partner was known to tell the ‘boys’ when they were at the pub that he did it to show her who was the boss. It didn’t matter if she had been good or bad in his eyes, he still hit her.

But where does one person get the authority to raise a hand to another? Could it be insecurity; that they need to control another person them to keep them in check? Could it be learned behaviour from the way they were disciplined themselves as children?

I was spanked as a kid and turned out just fine

There may be some people that say, ‘we were spanked as children but we turned out just fine’ and continue the same practice with their own children.

There is no justification for laying a hand on anyone else but sometimes one doesn’t have to touch you to hurt you. Emotional abuse is psychological, you may not see the scars but the damage is long term. Survivors of abuse can suffer from low esteem, depression, lack of self-confidence, anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), drug and alcohol abuse.

Children look up to their parents and learn behaviour’s and social norms through them. Violence is not love but we have been conditioned by parents and care givers that it is okay to be punished by the one that provides for you.

Physical discipline does not help anyone, in fact it often leads to forced submission and acceptance of abuse in later relationships as well others developing abusive tendencies towards future partners.

We all need structure and discipline in our lives but it can be instilled without the need to be physical.

Disclaimer: This article is based on my readings, feelings and experience. Please feel free to comment and share.

July 18, 2018

Depression is real – We just don’t talk about it enough

The Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams, who has previously spoken about her depression and feeling suicidal has checked into a mental health facility for treatment.

Singer Michelle Williams is seeking help for depression

It is not very easy for people of colour to talk about their feelings especially when struggling with depression. Their symptoms are usually attributed to weakness, laziness and attention seeking.

Most times, we only find out when someone has taken their own life that they have been suffering in silence. Michelle has shown immense strength in speaking out and and hopefully it will encourage other people to seek the help that they need.

The 37 year old singer confirmed on her social media pages;

There are people who will say Michelle Williams has had a great life, successful career and recently got engaged to her fiancee; what has she got to be depressed about?

But, depression is not about how much or how little you have. It is a neurological disease associated with the dysfunction of specific brain regions and not simply a consequence of a bad lifestyle and psychological weakness.

Depression brings feelings of sadness and a loss of interest in activities that one once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.

Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite and weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide

The stigma surrounding mental health can worsen someone’s problems and impede their recovery. It affects their employability and social inclusion in mainstream society.

People are encouraged to talk about how they feel, but the greatest difficulty is finding who to talk to and who to trust.

Today social media is abuzz with all the support for Michelle Williams, she has done the right thing in taking time to focus on her recovery as she has been struggling for a while but; she didn’t stop encouraging others’ to take care of their mental health.

Let us continue to talk about it and get help when we need it, for ourselves and, for our loved ones. Help is always at hand. You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

Sources: Harvard Health; Mentalhealth.org; Mind.org.uk

June 6, 2018

Not lucky enough to have owned the Kate Spade handbag but I sure know what depression feels like…

Earlier today the news emerged that designer Kate Spade had taken her own life, leaving a 13 year old daughter and husband.

A child has lost a mother, a husband has lost a wife, irrespective of their marital problems.

photo by getty images — Rest in peace Kate Spade

Suicide is a choice they say.. But is it?

People that die of suicide will not be thinking straight at their time of death, their mental illnesses cause them to reach that point.

It is evident she was not in a happy place because she would not have ended her life and left a teenage child without a mother.

No matter what she wrote on her suicide note, the reasons are never going to be explanation enough to her family and those closest to her.

There are so many questions left unasked and unanswered. There will be so many stories that will emerge, some sympathetic, some; not so much.

No one knows what she was feeling during her last days for her to end her life the way she did.

One does not simply choose to die as though they are deciding what to make for dinner… “err, actually, I think I will die now”.

There are so many factors that cause someone to sink to a certain low, feel worthless and no matter how much they try, they feel that they are better off dead.

People who are affected by mental health disorders are more likely to commit suicide. Sometimes it is known before a persons death but sometimes it is known after.

Depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are the most common mental health disorders that contribute to suicide.

When a person is so overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and worthlessness they often think that they have no other option and start contemplating suicide.

It is hard to know how someone is feeling but there are usually tell tale signs that can indicate that they are depressed or have suicidal tendencies for instance ;

Avoiding social situations.
Feeling hopeless and helpless.
Exhibiting feelings of strong anger or rage.
Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
Abusing drugs or alcohol and self harming.
Exhibiting changes in personality.
Constant talk or writing about death or suicide.

It is important to watch out for theses signs and take action to enable someone to get the help that they need and possibly prevent a tragic suicide attempt or death.

The stigma surrounding mental health and suicide makes them taboo subjects to talk about. Most people that have suicidal thoughts do not want to burden anyone with their problems so they do not reach out for fear of being judged and accused of attention seeking.

Staying silent isn’t being strong, speaking out is. Let’s stop the stigma!

Rest in peace Kate Spade

Photos by Pexels, Getty Images

Sources :healthline.org, www.suicide.org, www.thesamaritans.org

May 31, 2018

Dear family and friends, “OMG.. you have gained so much weight!” is not a greeting

Over the last few months I have gained a significant amount of weight but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges of being a big girl in a vain world.

Its bad enough shopping for clothes or squeezing myself into control pants and almost fainting from the pressure while I drive, then to bump into someone that says, ‘Gosh you have gained so much weight!’.

How about hello, how are you?

I know I have gained weight; that cutting of my spanks reminds me of it every second that I am standing with you and dying to take it off.

Generally people are not kind to overweight people, they have been conditioned to resent people when they are overweight because there is a misconception that those people are irresponsible, they over eat and don’t look after themselves.

But weight gain is not only about eating, an imbalance in hormones can make it difficult for you to lose weight even if your are eating healthy.

Hormones control inflammation, metabolism and uptake of glucose in the body which plays a big part in weight gain. (these will be addressed in another post)

Women tend to suffer from more stress which impacts on their well being by releasing much higher levels of stress hormones. When women suffer from depression, instead of reducing sleep and the amounts they eat, they start to eat and sleep more, increasing their carbohydrate intake which results in significant weight gain.

The more weight they put on, the more guilty they become.

They become helpless, feel like failures and turn to food for comfort which leads to more weight gain.

There are so many challenges that come with being “the big girl” or boy.

A lot of overweight people pretend to be happy about their weight when they are in public, they can be the life and soul of the party but suffer when they are on their own.

People think you eat too much and even when you are hungry, you are mindful of being watched when you eat because people do comment “ahh all that food, no wonder why you put on weight”.

Where I come from, weight gain is linked to having a good life. It is assumed that you eat well and have spare cash to help other people so no one will understand you may be having health problems.

Some people are on medications that cause them to gain weight. Certain steroids and antidepressants cause weight gain. Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction comes with weight gain.

People tend to watch what they say when they come across someone that has lost a lot of weight than one that has gained weight. It is important to be mindful of what we say to each other, big, small, tall or short.

Not all illnesses are visible, be patient and kind always.

March 27, 2018

What does depression look like?

When asked this question, the first image that comes to mind is a worn out looking man or woman with tired, dark circled eyes that sits alone in a corner somewhere and shies away from everyone.

Another is of a teenage boy or girl that likes to dress in dark colours and has piercings and some tattoos.

But does depression really have a look?

Can we define depression by a person’s physical appearance?

When we have conversations about depression and emotional wellness a lot of people from African origins and other ethnic minorities do not want to open up about mental conditions as they consider depression to be an illness that affects only white people and are afraid of being judged, but the truth is, depression does not have a specific look.

You could ride in a bus, be in a queue at the bank or working in an office and not know if the person next to you suffers from depression because you can not tell just by looking at someone. You could be the one suffering from depression and no one may know just by looking at you.

Depression doesn’t necessarily change a persons’ appearance but the person suffering from the condition experiences a change in emotions, therefore you cannot always point them out as not all emotions have an expression and some people are good at hiding their emotions.

Even when someone expresses a certain emotion, it may not be related to depression at all, hence it is very difficult to tell if someone suffers from it or not unless it is diagnosed by a professional.

Depression is a very serious condition that can go on for years because the mood changes may come and go. It makes it difficult for one to live their life as normal as possible and carry out their daily tasks.

A one-off feeling of sadness or being down cannot be defined as depression, however, the term ‘I am so depressed’ is commonly loosely used when someone has had a challenging time or a stressful day or they didn’t get or achieve what they needed to.

Although many people with depression feel sadness, it feels much more severe than emotions that come and go in response to life events. We also cannot just conclude that someone is depressed if they seem unhappy about something.

It is a common misconception that being depressed is a choice, a luxury illness for attention seekers and sufferers are constantly being told to have a positive attitude.

Friends and loved ones often get frustrated or don’t understand why a person can’t “snap out of it.” They may even say that the person has nothing to be depressed about, they have a good job, nice family and so on.

https://pixabay.com/en/users/trevoykellyphotography-7814005/

Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people, in fact, it is a major risk factor for suicide.

Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and are cured. Just like any other chronic illness, some people respond well to treatment or therapy or both and some people take longer to respond or to seek treatment.

Depression knows no race, gender, age, political affiliation, marital status, financial status or religious views. Some people will be functioning well in their day to day lives and excelling in their jobs or school but still suffer from depression silently.

If you start to feel like harming yourself or that your life is not worth living, please try to get help straight away.

You can make an appointment to see your GP or call NHS on 111. The Samaritans are on call on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.

March 23, 2018

Most days I am strong. Some days, not at all

There are days when I feel energetic and full of life. When I can do everything on my daily to-do list and more.

When my mind is sharp and my ideas seem to make sense.

When I feel like I am achieving my goals and making my deadlines.

When I am certain that all is well and everything is going to plan.

Then I have a day off or two when it feels like the world has stopped. When I keep meaning to do the laundry then leaving it for the next day.

When I receive bills and let them pile up but tell myself its not urgent until a reminder comes through the post.

When I say I will return a phone call and then forget all about it or pick up my phone and end up doing other things on it other than making that call.

When I am just doing things on autopilot, because I have to.

It is not always easy, but that is the time I have learnt to take a moment and make time for myself as I have come to realise that my mental well-being is as important as my physical well-being.

Actually, if I don’t feel well mentally, there is not much physical activity that I can do so I have come up with a few coping strategies to help me through those days and I will share them with you.

Firstly, tidy up your space

Clean your bedroom or room that you enjoy resting in. There is a possibility that when you are feeling low, you will clutter your house and not have the energy to clean up and when you are in that environment you will feel more depressed.

Get some well needed sleep

Chances are, you are tired from your busy schedule. Make it a habit to get to bed at a decent time and aim to sleep for at least 7-8 hours. Switch off alarms if its at the weekend and have a lie in.

Avoid binge watching TV programmes

I am not saying don’t watch TV but my own experiences have been that whenever I get into something that I find interesting, I can’t resist the temptation to watch ‘just one more episode’, causing me to sleep for less hours than I need.

Also, when I have binge watched a programme, I suffer from serious withdrawal symptoms when a series ends. I feel completely lost and unmotivated. That itself causes me to get very low and feel helpless after.

Meditate

When you have chosen your peaceful location, sit in silence and breathe. Pray or listen to guided meditation to help with stress, feel more present and have better sleep.

Take a break from social media

Its very tempting to spend a lot of time on social media, one video on Facebook leads to another and before you know it you have been glued to the phone for hours.

Read a book

Find a good book and read a few chapters at a time. Try not to stay up all night reading because the story line is good and you are curious to to find out what happens at the end.

Consider getting help

If you are consistently suffering from low mood and you have tried self help techniques but you are not getting any better maybe its time you paid your GP a visit and discuss your symptoms so that you may get professional help.

Depression and anxiety can easily be mistaken for laziness and complacency in some communities. Please do not suffer in silence.

Staying silent is not being strong. Speaking out is!

March 7, 2018

March 3, 2018

There’s caring – then there’s narcissism, you are good enough!

Anyone ever get told they were never good enough, pretty enough to be loved or to do well on their own?

We all have encountered or heard of people with narcissistic tendencies, some have experienced it in their relationships or through their parents. Being with a narcissist is not good for your emotional well being at all.

Narcissism James C. Tanner

If you have ever been involved with anyone that feels self important, blames others for being wrong, never takes responsibly for their actions, gets agitated when you are happy of your own accord or when you are in company of other people that make you happy; then you know what it’s like to be with a narcissist.

The narcissist does not show compassion or sympathy when you are distressed but will need all your attention when its their turn. They will walk away if you dare to cry in front of them so you have to learn to suppress your tears.

This person wants it their way or the highway, there is no compromise – what you want doesn’t matter to them if it does not serve them.

They could say things like, “you have such a pretty face, if only you could lose a bit of weight”. Then when you try to eat healthy and exercise they accuse you of wanting to look good so you can leave them for someone else or buy you food and complain that you are being wasteful by not eating the food they have spent so much on.

They can be very possessive and claim that its because they love you very much and are afraid of losing you. They can even get upset if you are seen to be enjoying a particular programme on TV that they do not follow.

Most people in a relationship with a narcissistic person suffer a lot of emotional abuse. It is difficult to identify it at first because the relationship starts off as very loving and they put you in a position of dependence upon them.

As soon as they realise your strengths, they criticise you and bring you down so that you mistrust your own judgement and rely on their opinions. You can even start to get anxious when you need to make a decision when they are not there in case they don’t like what you have chosen.

They can accuse you of cheating on them and make you choose to be either with them or your friends and family.

They can appear to be very loving on the surface one minute but be putting you down the next. They can be so good around other people that if you told anyone what you are going through they would not believe you.

shopping You are expected to forgive and forget and the treats are a buffer to make you feel better.

You can even be accused of being ungrateful by the ones who think that this person is really good to you and doing so much for you.

Narcissism is a trait found in both men and women. Some children are raised by narcissistic parents and that affects them later in life.

There are some mothers who constantly find fault in their children and when they do something right not give them any praise. They can even attribute that success to themselves.

They constantly remind the children of how much they do for them and how much the children don’t appreciate them. They will say things like, “would I pay your fees, clothe you or feed you if I didn’t love you”?

They will compare them to other people, “look at so and so’s kids, they have achieved this and that”. ‘Mr X’s daughter got married and had an amazing wedding, you can’t even date a decent man or woman’.

They will talk about other people and criticise them but when in their presence they will be very loving and accommodating. They always want to look good in front of everyone even if they don’t like the people around them.

They could even be a person that is highly respected in the community, making acquaintance with people that they consider beneath them only to come back and criticise them.

They don’t like their children to have friends and there is always something that is not right about each of their friends that they meet. Even when they eventually find a potential partner, he or she will never meet their expectations or approval.

They expect admiration and want their children to provide for them and wait on them even when they have settled with a partner and have a family of their own to take care of.

Boys raised by narcissistic mothers may identify with that and end up narcissistic themselves. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, successful, wealthy, fit or good looking they are, they will always have a constant need for validation because of their lack of self esteem. They could also turn out very needy and want partners to take on a role like that of their mother.

On the other hand, daughters of narcissistic mothers tend to become constant people pleasers. They find it difficult to say no to other peoples demands and end up settling for men who show little appreciation for them and end up reliving their childhood with a narcissistic parent as it feels the norm for them. Some end up in abusive relationships and just stay because they grew up in a similar environment.

It is never easy dealing with a narcissist, do not expect them to change or stay with them in the hope that they can change because they do not even realise that they are doing anything wrong. If it is a parent, once you notice the signs try to create boundaries and let them know you are capable of making your own decisions. Let them know that you love them but will not be made to feel guilty of wanting a life of your own.

December 20, 2017

Depression – Breaking the Stigma

Depression does not discriminate against race, gender, religious beliefs, financial status, age, and gender. As a black African woman that has experienced depression both personally and professionally, it has not been an easy topic to talk about with family, friends and acquaintances.

There are a lot of myths about depression and anxiety that cause a lot of confusion which can keep people from reaching out for help. Most people are afraid to ask for help among their peers, as they would be considered to be lazy or crazy.

Many people see mental illness as a weakness or personal failure and the following statements are usually made;

“Depression does not affect black people, its something the white privileged suffer from.”

“You need to get over it, find a hobby, take a walk.”

“Oh, stop being so sensitive!”

“Don’t take the medication, it will only make you worse.”

This makes people who are struggling with depression hold back on sharing how they feel.

Culturally we are taught to keep our feelings to ourselves. If you find yourself struggling at school, college or work, you cannot complain openly about things, as you feel conscious that you may be seen as being entitled, weak or merely just using it as an excuse for your laziness. Some depression is attributed to witchcraft or attention seeking and guilt.

We are conditioned from an early age to look out for others, help as much as we can, give as much as we can but it is not easy to say no, not today, I am tired, I need a break and just need to rest or have time to myself for fear of being seen as selfish.

We are constantly reminded that our lives are better than others who are living in impoverished countries. What have you got to be depressed about? You live in England; you have a job and a partner, think of people struggling back home or the ones in Ethiopia and Somalia who have no food or clean water.

The only time people cry openly is usually when there is a death of a loved one. Generally, crying is seen as a weakness and people tend to suffer in silence. We are supposed to be able to make it through anything. Our ancestors made it through slavery, we can make it through all the hard times, we have to keep going, and we have to be strong.

But what happens then when you have been too strong for too long? When you are tired of carrying other people’s problems and need time out? When you feel overwhelmed and need to find refuge in someone or somewhere?

While spiritual support is an important part of healing, the care of a qualified mental health professional is very important as with any other medical condition. Treatment should be sought earlier for it to be more effective.

We cannot simply ‘pray away’ depression or any form of mental illness. Why is it set apart from illnesses, such as cancer, diabetes and high blood pressure where one can get medication to help with their symptoms and be open about it?

The stigma surrounding antidepressants causes some people to accept their diagnosis but not share and not take their medication. They will be feeling worse each day, picking up their prescription every month after telling their doctor that they are no better and just stacking the medication in the drawer.

There is very little sympathy in some communities in relation to depression as people do not know how to handle it or what to say to someone suffering from depression. It is important that we come together to address mental illnesses and break the stigma attached to it because it can affect anyone.

If you start to feel like your life isn’t worth living or you want to harm yourself, get help straight away.

Either see your GP or call NHS 111. You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 for 24-hour confidential, non-judgemental emotional support.

See some other organisations that can help with mental health issues.