We are officially on lockdown and I feel like I’m under house arrest.
I am trying to make use of all the free time that I have and I realised there are a lot of people I have lost touch with over time and found myself thinking of them at this time.
Everyone is doing the best they can but it will be good to check on each other from time to time.
This is not a time to be visiting each other but staying in contact is possible through phones and social mediums. This is the time to pick up that landline that you haven’t used in years since you got dependent on your mobile phone.
Pick up the phone and check on someone
Check on your friends, the strong, the self sufficient and the ones struggling with their mental health.
Check on your friends that suffer from anxiety and find it difficult to go out and do their shopping without having panic attacks.
Check on your relatives and the elderly around you and the vulnerable if you have their contact numbers. This will be a very scary time for them.
Be nice to the people around you and offer kind words. This is a difficult time for many and some people have shown how stressful situations can turn them into ‘not so nice people’, as some of you may have witnessed it when out shopping during the toilet paper fiasco.
If you are not expected to be at work, please follow the guidelines and stay at home.
If you are working during this difficult time, please follow the personal protection protocols for your safety and your families.
Social distancing, self isolation, quarantine and many more words that encourage people to stay safe during the Covid-19 pandemic have been on the media as schools and businesses shut down and people go on a rampage to buy as much supplies as they can in the event of a lock down.
This is a very scary time for many and like most infectious diseases, the impact of the coronavirus can affect our mental health.
We have been advised by the government to stay at home except to pick up essentials, like food and medication or go to work if you are a stated frontline worker; to avoid being on a group of more than two at any given time and to practice safer hygiene measures like hand washing as soon as we get home if we have been out and before handling all food.
Wash your hands regularly and when you have been in public spaces
It’s upsetting to be asked to stop working, we have bills to pay and its distressing to think of what will happen going forward as no specific timeline has been given, but that we stay on lockdown for 21 days.
However, it may help to look at things a bit differently.
Firstly, use it as a time to rest and reflect. Apart from the frontline workers, most people are at home, some with their families and some alone.
You could create a new routine that fits in with your family and self care.
A lot of parents will be home schooling at this time, so it’s important that they make time to help their children with school work and also have time to rest.
Now is the time to read those books gathering dust on the shelves, trying a new recipe, catching up on movies that you have been wanting to watch for a while.
Rest, read and make time for family
While it’s good to catch up on the news, do not have it on constantly as that will make you more anxious. Don’t trawl social media and internet sites following conspiracy theories and speculation of the illness.
Watching what we eat will be a challenge in the coming weeks. When people are going to work and school they have breakfast, carry a packed lunch or pick up something light then they have dinner at home.
Now, with the lockdown and most people being at home at the same time, it’s so easy to keep going to the fridge or cupboard to grab a snack as and when one feels like.
It will be good to minimise our intake of junk foods and candy because comfort eating will only lead to more stress when people have gained weight after this period.
Eating a healthy balanced diet will be good for your physical and mental health
The gyms have been shut down and people will be wary about going out to exercise even though the government guidelines advise us to do so at least once a day, but there are a lot of YouTube channels where people can get free exercises that are easy enough to do at home and fit it in with their kids.
Staying in touch online, on the phone and on video calls with family and friends that you don’t live with would be helpful during this time of social distancing but do not share or circulate information from unreliable sources as this will cause more anxiety.
Stay in touch with others
Check on your elderly relatives and people that live alone and those that you know are vulnerable because this is going to be a very difficult time for them.
Do not stay up all night binge watching series only to spend all day in bed the next day, that will make you less productive during the day. Create a routine of going to bed and getting up at the same time each day and avoid taking your phone to bed.
Do not self diagnose or self prescribe medications. If you take prescription medication continue taking the stated dosages and do not share medication.
Do not self-medicate
If your feel your mental state is getting worse or you are worried about someone here is a list of things you can do:
You can call NHS 111 if you or someone you know needs urgent care, do not go to A and E or visit doctors surgeries at this time.
If you’re under the care of a mental health team and have a care plan that states who to contact when you need urgent care please do so.
The Samaritans have a free number to call 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and you can talk to someone in confidence whenever you need to on 116 123. Calls to this number will not appear on your telephone bills.
Stay safe, stay home; as this will make it easier for the medical teams to do their work and follow the given guidelines, they are there for a reason.
Its hard opening up to friends and family about your mental health or general health issues out of fear of being judged.
No matter how much we talk about our mental health there is still so much stigma attached to it in some communities.
On my recovery journey, I have encountered a lot of different people with different views on mental health.
The religious say that if you turn to God all, your health problems will go away.
If you say you are a believer, you get accused of possibly living in sin, so the depression comes from the guilt of your sins.
Then theres the ones that sell supplements and will not take no for an answer.
I am sure if someone offered me to have a trial of something and see how I felt, I would probably try and possibly buy if I liked the product.
But the persistence and the negative talk of antidepressants in their quest to make a sale is enough to trigger my anxiety when I have to be in the same place with them.
Don’t even get me started on the constant follow ups and links to testimonials where some people were cured by these supplements.
I have come to realise that we are all different, there is not a one size fits all approach in the management and recovery of any mental health condition.
What works for one person may not work for the next.
How good would it be to drink a sachet of syrup and all my illnesses disappear?
The only downside is that you will be set back at least a couple of hundred pounds each month for some things in the name of ‘your health is your wealth” and you will be encouraged to sign up to sell the products so that you can get them cheaper for yourself, which may not be helpful to your health if you don’t sell and are help responsible not pulling your weight to meet enough people.
The digital age has made us live in a fast paced world with access to information on the internet and everyone tends to be a google doctor.
It’s important not to self diagnose when you have symptoms and see your medical practitioners to get help.
There are supportive networks that you can join ; where most people have experience with mental health from personal experience or being care givers.
There are people who will be there for you and some who will not want to hear about your mental health, it is important to choose your company wisely.
Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I’m afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.
I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phoney games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings–
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator–
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Christmas is regarded as a time for love, giving and receiving; and spending time with loved ones.
If you walk through the malls and into the shops, all you hear this time of the year is the Christmas music, see the sparkly decorations and happy shoppers.
The bright lights create a magnificent ambience that it feels good to just be there, even if you are not shopping.
I went into town last weekend and heard Andy Williams’ ‘Its the most wonderful time of the year’, so many times that I started singing it to myself as I was walking out of the mall to the car park.
The song goes:
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you be of good cheer
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
There’ll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There’ll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be much mistletoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
I was interrupted by a homeless man asking for change and as I rummaged through my purse, I realised that it’s actually not a wonderful time of the year for everyone.
During my drive home, I started thinking about the people that didn’t have the pleasure of enjoying the festive season like everybody else.
Christmas is a time for films that portray fairytales, magic and happy ever afters but our real lives are far from that.
Christmas doesn’t heal mankind’s pain or change lives or make people that didn’t like each other start getting on.
There are many reasons why Christmas may not be a good time for some;
Broken homes
When a couple divorces or separates, it is often hard to enjoy Christmas on your own if you had been used to having a partner to share it with.
It is also hard on the children to go through such a change and the parent that they are left with may be worse off financially after the separation, making holidays difficult.
Grief and bereavement
Those who have lost loved ones would find it difficult to celebrate Christmas whilst there is still that feeling of loss.
Those who have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses and their families would not enjoy the festive period because they are feeling anxious over the illness.
Lack of money
Some people can’t afford the amounts of food, beautiful decorations and nice presents that other people give to their children and families at Christmas.
Distance
There are some people whose families live too far away from them, possibly in another country and being together at Christmas just isn’t possible. Some have been deployed for work and can not make it home to spend time with their families.
Mental Health
Depression and anxiety also seem to heighten during the holidays due to the family demands which can sometimes be stressful, taking on too much and being unable to manage expectations.
The holiday season is a wonderful time of the year for most, but we need to remember that Christmas isn’t a time to be perfect.
There are other times of the year that can be enjoyed too and we need not set unrealistic expectations to try to be like others or to keep in with other peoples standards.
Christmas can be a wonderful time to be mindful to those around us that are struggling.
We may have friends, neighbours or relatives who experience mental health problems or are just alone and this is always a great time to let them know how much we care about them and that we are there for them during this period; if they need a place to be or just to chat.
For you it may not be much, but it could make someone else’s Christmas better.
It has been a few weeks since I sat down to write and publish an article.
Countless times I have picked up my laptop and started writing but I cant seem to be happy with my work and have just sent the documents to drafts, however today I woke up early and decided to go to the gym.
When I was packing my bag, I had this brilliant idea to pack my laptop and do some of my work in the business centre at the gym as I had a free day and thought maybe I would get inspired to write again.
Well, at 6.45am I was sweating in the body pump class but it felt good to be out of bed and getting out of my comfort zone.
I showered, got myself a grande latte and set myself up in the business centre and worked until about midday then I ordered brunch, which was really a late breakfast.
After paying £11 pounds for the club breakfast, the fitness centres glorified version of a full English breakfast. I was disappointed at the food, which had a soggy portobello mushroom and a bland grilled tomato… yuck!
The poached eggs were okay though and I chugged another latte; more caffeine!
Heres to another night where I toss and turn wondering why I cant relax.
As much as I enjoy coffees, I have learnt that for me, they are a stimulant and not good for me so I am struggling between a dependency on caffeine and trying to control my emotional health.
I resumed my project and was finished around 3 o’clock when I took a break then I couldn’t help but notice that there was music playing in the business centre and it was really annoying.
Now, I am still here and I cant even say anything because I am not even sure if the music was playing earlier when I came in and I didn’t hear it, but its so cheesy and irritating.
Seriously, I don’t think it was this bad or this loud in the morning or even there at all; but it’s such a distraction, considering I was hoping that my change of environment would help me to focus.
The main reason I am still here is that I know that if I go home without sending this to publish it will get lost in drafts again.
So to everyone that reads my blog, this is my rant for the day.
I am packing up and going to get stuck in rush hour traffic but at least I can get to listen to what I like on the way home or not listen to anything at all.
Getting enough sleep is vital for our physical and mental health.
The average healthy adult should sleep for at least 7 and a half to 8 hours a day, but a lot of us have either very little or too much sleep.
A good night’s sleep is important for everyone and if deprived, it can lead to someone feeling more than just tired.
Lack of sleep slows down cognitive function leading to learning disabilities in children, memory impairment in people of all ages, personality changes and depression.
It can negatively affect one’s life by contributing to the development of ailments such as obesity, diabetes and heart disease.
When people are deprived of sleep, they experience difficulty in making decisions, easily get irritable, have slower reaction times and perform tasks poorly.
Here are some tips that may be helpful for a good night’s sleep
Choose a relaxing bedtime routine and keep it regular. You can wind down each night by having a warm bath, reading, listening to soft music or meditating. Try to wake up at the same time each morning including on days off.
Establish the best sleeping environment by ensuring that your bedroom is comfortable, dark, cool or warm to your liking. If your room is too light, you may consider using blackout curtains or a sleep mask.
Avoid using bright screens before bed, the body reacts to unexpected doses of blue and white light which can cause insomnia.
Don’t go to bed with a negative mindset. If you go to bed worrying about events or stressing that you won’t be able to go through the next day without sleep, you won’t be able to relax into a restful sleep.
Use your bed for sleep and intimacy. It’s easy to watch television or use the computer in your bedroom to finish up some work but try to avoid doing that as your sleep environment will become your work environment and you wont rest.
Plan your next day before you settle down for bed. Try writing a to-do list for the next morning so that you won’t be playing your duties over in your head when you go to sleep.
Limit nap times. If you are very tired and a nap can’t be avoided, try to limit them to no longer than 30 minutes and not too late in the afternoon.
Exercise regularly but not too vigorously close to your bedtime.
Avoid Stimulants. Tea, coffee and chocolate are all stimulants that can affect your sleep and should be avoided at least 4 hours before bedtime. Heavy meals should not be eaten before bedtime as well.
Switch off your mobile or silence it so that you do not get disturbed while you are asleep.
The most important thing is finding what works for you and sticking with it so that you may have a healthy sleeping pattern, that may be beneficial to your physical and mental wellbeing.
About eight weeks ago I lost someone very dear me. I went from shock to sadness and then anger. My emotions were all over the place.
Its taken me that long to pick up my keyboard and be motivated write again but I have learnt that there is no right wrong way to grieve.
There are many ways of grieving and some people may feel the need to show their grief without constraint, by crying or talking about their loss.
There are others’ that may be more unwilling to talk about it, and would rather keep themselves busy and grieve in private instead.
This does not imply that they’re not grieving but that they are demonstrating their grief differently.
I have had a lot of questions because after her passing, I learnt that my friend had been given six months to live.
I want to ask why she didn’t tell me about her illness because we spoke or text almost every day and she always said she was fine.
Some days I pick up the phone and dial her number, then I remember that she is not there to answer my call.
I then wonder how I would have reacted to the news if she had shared it with me. Would I have been supportive a supportive friend or would I have been too overwhelmed to give her the right kind of support? What would have been the right kind of support?
If I was in her shoes, what would I have done faced with a 6 month prognosis? How would I have reacted to the doctors when they sat me down and dealt me the blow that I was now living on borrowed time?
I have no answers to my own questions and then I start to imagine what the last few months of her life would have been like.
When you are faced with the prospect of death, 6 months is not a long time and while it may have been good for us to know what was going on, I have to accept that it would have been more difficult for me to comprehend.
I know that our conversations would have changed because I would have felt that I was burdening her with my problems while she had a lot on her plate.
People have a natural tendency to be overprotective to someone who they know has reached end of life and we would have stopped inviting her to events or sharing our lives with her.
There are also times when being told by friends and family that you will not die and need to think more positively about your life is not helpful and you feel better being left alone.
Apart from the family she lived with, no one knows what her last days were like. She may have been struggling to eat or sleep, reacting to medication, getting sick after meals but she did not show that she was suffering in public, continuing with work and running her business.
I do not think that there is a timeline for grieving or if we ever stop grieving for the people that we love. People that are grieving do not need to be fixed but need to be heard and it is important to give them a chance to talk and be heard without judgement or comparison. It does get better with time but the only way to do it is in your own way.
This is a statement I hear time and time again when talking about mental health with members of ethnic African communities who believe that mental illness is a ‘white’ thing.
According to the World Health Organisation, 300 million people in the world suffer from depression.
Depression affects people of all ages, from all walks of life. It doesn’t matter what your background is, how old you are or what colour you are.
Unfortunately people from certain cultures are primed from an early age to suppress their feelings, hide how they feel and conceal their illnesses.
Why do black people have to be so strong about everything? We are constantly being reminded that ‘you are a strong black woman or you are a strong black man, you cannot be so weak to admit you are struggling with any mental illness’. It is just not acceptable to do so as it is an embarrassment to your family members.
We are supposed to pray away our illnesses and have the faith in God to overcome all obstacles that come our way. We have to pray against generation curses and spiritual enemies that come to us in the form of mental illness.
Scriptures are often quoted that make someone that is suffering from an illness feel like guilty for not knowing those bible verses and for not believing in the healing power of God.
I accept that prayer, meditation, mindfulness and all alternative therapies are good for ones well-being but they can’t be used as a substitute for treatment of illnesses which can potentially be life threatening.
Depression is an illness that seems to be only acceptable to people that are well off financially in certain places. Poorer people are not expected to say that they suffer from depression, they have too many other problems to worry about instead of wallowing in self pity.
There is so much stigma surrounding depression that stops black people from seeking proper medical treatment for mental health problems.
We are told we can make it through anything, our people survived slavery after all.
Some of the comments that put people off seeking treatment or talking about their health problems are these;
‘You shouldn’t be so weak, tell your problems to God and not a stranger, why are you seeing a therapist?’
‘Don’t take medication, it will make you crazy. People who take medication get worse anyway.’
‘What if you get sectioned? You could lose your children.’
‘Cheer up, there are people going through worse; think about the children that are starving in poorer parts of the world.’
‘You worry too much, you should learn to relax. What are you thinking of anyway?’
‘That is life, get over it!’
The people that choose to seek help and take medication or have therapy, do so in private without their family members knowing about it because It is never received well.
When people are struggling they do not need to be reminded of how strong they are or should be, it deters them from seeking the help that could benefit their health.
The rates of unexplained suicides has risen and in most cases a person will have been struggling with mental health issues but not talking about it because of fear of judgement and being seen as weak.
We need to be more understanding and supportive of each other and if people close to us show signs of depression or any mental health problems we need to be able to talk to them about it, not fob them off and tell them to snap out of it or tell them to be strong.
The new parent struggling to cope with their new born may not be lazy or unloving to their baby but they could be suffering from post-natal depression. Post-natal depression does not only affect first time mothers, it can affect them after the birth of a second or third child even though it didn’t happen with previous children and it can affect the fathers too. No new parent should feel embarrassed or ashamed to concede that they are struggling, and having postpartum depression does not make anyone a terrible parent.
One of the main reasons that people do not seek treatment for depression apart from the social stigma and discrimination is the high cost of medical treatment. When people can’t afford to pay for treatment for other common ailments, they do not feel that they should be complaining of ‘sadness’ and going to seek medical help for it.
Suppressing emotions is seen as a sign of strength but it is not. Identifying that you have a diagnosable illness and seeking help is being strong but we still have a long way to go in talking about mental health and understanding that there is treatment for illnesses.
Depression does not care if you are black or white, rich or poor, it doesn’t care about your gender, religious views, your weight or age. It can affect anyone and at anytime of their lives. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the earlier that treatment begins, the more successful it can be.
This week is Mental Health Awareness week and the theme is body image. Body image issues can affect anyone and at any stage in life and social media has played a big part in causing a lot of people to worry about their body image.
Our body image is what we reflect and how we feel when we look in the mirror or when we picture ourselves in our minds.
Body image issues can be about appearance and what you think about your body, such as your weight, height, colour. It can be how you feel within your own skin and it may be positive or negative.
Today, I am choosing to use my own experience in this topic as someone that has struggled with my own body image.
What happened to you?
The picture above is of me and my son, four years apart.
In those 4 years, life has happened; mental health problems, losses and gains for both of us, as well as embarking on the long road to recovery.
Of-course I don’t do myself any favours by sharing pictures with those that I care about and think feel the same.
These pictures were compared in this way, with the caption ‘what happened to you’.
The first one was at my sons 18th and we were happy.
The second one he was 22, on his graduation and and we were happy.
I said I didn’t understand, and they said; ‘well you have clearly put on a lot of weight from the last picture. What have you been doing to yourself? Surely you can work hard at looking like that again if you made the effort’.
Then it clicked; our milestones didn’t matter to them, it was the way I looked that they were interested in. And then it really started to bother me.
The extra pounds that I have gained over the years started to feel like hundreds, I started to ask myself if I could look better. But better than who? Better than what?
I had allowed someone to judge me by a picture, to justify myself to someone why I didn’t look the way they expected me to and it really did affect me, to the point that my self-confidence started to wane.
It took me a long time to recover from that, but I had to remind myself how far I had come in my recovery to allow that to affect me for too long.
When we continuously worry about how we look it can impact our self-esteem and confidence, and the media has a strong influence on what we think the standard body should look like.
Looking at ‘perfect’ pictures of others and then comparing them to ourselves only leads us to feel worse about ourselves and it is a practice that we need to stop.
When people are constantly plagued with negative thoughts and feelings about their bodies their likelihood to develop certain mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, depression and anxiety is high.
A negative body image may also lead to low self-esteem, which can affect many areas of your life and you may start to obsess constantly about what you eat, how much you exercise or even avoid certain people; but there are steps that you can take to develop a healthier body image.
The more you practice thinking positive thoughts about yourself and the fewer negative thoughts you have about your body, the better you will feel about who you are and how you look.
Working on accepting how you look is healthier than constantly working to change how you look. Always be kind to yourself and accept that a healthy body image is good for a healthy mind.
